Steve passed away four years in April and it’s by hard. We were married for 40 years and courting for two years before that. A long time. I keep busy, probably too busy but that’s how I deal with the loneliness. Gym, allotment, looking after grandchildren and having coffee with a friend. I get fed up with my two sisters telling me I should slow down. They have no idea what it’s like to live alone. Sometimes don’t see anyone got a couple of days, I get really hacked off!!
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I do the same thing with keeping busy @Montague , although I am three years behind you. I actually don’t feel I have any choice in a lot of the things I do anyway but I also can’t imagine a life with too much spare time.
Thanks for coming on here to tell us about how you cope though.
Love
Karen xxx
Hi Montague, it’s only just twelve months since my lovely husband died and I’m finding it really hard. I can go days without seeing anyone now and I find the loneliness unbearable. You say it’s four years for you but when I think three, four, five years without my husband I just can’t perceive that. Life just looks so bleak. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know who I am any more. I applaud you for doing the things you are doing. Maybe someday things will improve for me but at present I feel like I’m drowning. Take care.X
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I admire your mindset @Lonely and how you are living your life the way you want it. Thank you, I will try to remind myself that my lovely home is my safe and happy sanctuary and where I am closest to my beloved Mark.
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Hi Montague
Why on earth do your sisters tell you to slow down. If you can manage then keep going. You know that saying. “If you don’t use it you lose it”.
I also keep myself busy with our allotments (I was able to keep my husbands as well as my own). Gym work plus yoga and exercising. I walk about 2 to 3 hours a day with dogs and have my garden. I don’t meet people for coffee as I can’t stand the stuff but I do meet up with other dog walkers and enjoy their (and their dogs)company.
I never felt I was isolated during the lockdown as I was walking just the same, seeing other dog walkers but keeping to the required distances and walking over smaller area’s and of course the allotments could stay open and with my own garden it all kept me busy enough. I also decorated the house during this time. I’ve also become accustomed to my own company if the need arises. I think keeping busy and going out has kept me sane
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I think that is a lovely way to look at the life you are living without your beloved husband.
I only lost my husband in October after 43 years married. He was only 67 and when he went all of our future plans went too. I also think of my home as my sanctury. We were planning to move to a smaller home all on one level. I know I should go ahead with the move but the thought of people coming and looking round our home , I just couldn’t cope.
Your post has given me a bit of hope and a tiny bit of light at this dark time. Thank you xx
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Hi there Sheila
I think I must also be accepting the loss. I am also finding that I am becoming calmer with life and accepting and being grateful for what I have and not what I had. I have learned not to stress over the past and we do come to terms. We still have those lovely memories and we never for a minute stop loving them.
It is all abut finding the things you can do again and enjoy. My love is walking in the countryside and appreciating what is around me. Watchng my home grown veggies mature even though I can probably buy them cheaper in the supermarkets. I try to find things out there everyday that give me pleasure. You are correct we do get used to being on our own and can even enjiy life again. I do hope that newly bereaved can find some comfort at some time once again but I’m sure you will agree it does take time and patience and even hard work to get to this stage.
Pat
xx
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Hi Lonley
What a lovely message you sent me, thank you. I loved hearing about you and your beloved Peter, what a great life you have had. I admire the way you can talk about him and the fact that you can live again.
I was eighteen when I met my lovely husband. We met on a blind date and he told me afterwards that he knew he would marry me. We had 45 years together, 43 of them married. I hope one day I can talk about him in the way you talk about your Peter. It’s still very early days for me but I am determined that one day I will be able to take joy out of the days again and live as my Ron would want me to. Thank you x
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I also love hearing about your life with Peter @Lonely and really appreciate that you still give your insight and encouragement to so many of us. Love that the cricket stumps are still visible on the wall.
Richard was born in this village and is buried just feet from the garden wall of the old farmhouse he was born in, which is exactly where he wanted to be.
I miss him every day and would, like you, love to do it all again. We both felt we were meant to be together and I know we will be again one day.
Love
Karen xxx
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It’s lovely to read about you and Peter and your life now . 3 years since I list my hubby . He was 71and we were almost 50
Years married . I too look on our home as my sanctuary . We lived all over uk with husbands Jin but came back to where we started and where we grew up and met when hubby became unwell so I have a lovely bungalow which we chose together and he loved it . Life is sad but I have accepted that’s the way it is . I spend a lot of time away at my children’s homes all over the uk but so love to be back home where I feel Daves presence all the time . Like you I am grateful we had all those years and am nearer the end of my life . Meantime I try to enjoy my children and grandchildren as he would have wanted me to . Take care and thank you - lonely - for your post 
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It’s only been 10 weeks since I lost my husband and I sometimes feel just as you said, that’s it’s all been a big mistake and he will come home, and I look at his things thinking he will need them Or wishing I could just go back in time 
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Thank you, Lonely, for your gentle posting. I am just over 6 months into this sad and difficult journey. I am thinking of selling our big victorian home, for somewhere smaller and easier to maintain. Lots of mixed emotions for our children and I, but i know that Ken would want me to do what brings me peace. Being with someone who loved me, for over fifty years, was a blessing, and being nearer the near end of my life, i am trying to look at life in a gentle way.
Love to you all xx
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Such a tragic loss, they should have had so much life in front of them. You are right Sheila, we were blessed xx
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Hello Alir,
I am sorry for your loss.
The reason i am writing is because you said you can’t stand the thought of people looking around your home if you decide to sell. I don’t know if you are aware, but you don’t need to be present when people view your home. You can instruct the Estate Agent to do an accompanied viewing, and you can take yourself off somewhere for an hour. Try to go somewhere where you won’t be dwelling on the viewing. Perhaps visit a friend or family.
I was sure moving would be the best thing for me when Tony died, and I was right. The memories are in your head and heart, not in the bricks of your house. Where-ever you go, they will be with you, as mine are with me. And I know he would be happy that I am making a life without him and would be devastated if I hadn’t been able to cope and go forward. It’s certainly not the life I wanted, but what is the alternative? I am reasonably happy with it and try to make the best of it.
I wish you the very best of luck. It will get more bearable in time, and you will learn to adapt.
Hugs, Ann
.
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@AnnR
Thank you Ann for your kind reply.
I know I should motivate and put my the house up for sale. We were planning to move before my Ron was ill. I said to him that I would look for something when he was in the hospital and will never forget the sad look that came on his face. It was as if he knew he wouldn’t share our new home but then I think he couldn’t have done as we always thought he would get better.
His clothes are still in the wardrobe, his aftershave and his watches etc are about and his dressing gown is still hanging behind the door in his “man cave” as he called it.
I know this is silly but I just can’t bear the thought of strangers in his room but I can’t put his things away out of sight, not yet.
I need to move as the house is too much for me to manage. We had this dream of a bungalow and I will go ahead but feel devastated at the thought of moving and packing or giving away his things. It’s been almost five months since he went, it’s so hard. guess I am having a bad day.
Sending love xx
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Dear Alir.
I know! Making a new life when you haven’t instigated it is hard. I found it very difficult to do after Tony died but now I realise it is definitely the best thing I could have done. I love my new flat which has a lovely view over the harbour to France. There is always something to see and that in itself is what has kept me going.
The hardest part about the move was getting on and actually doing it! I won’t pretend it was enjoyable and, like you, I didn’t like the idea of other people stomping around our home but if you want to sell, that’s the only logical way to do it.
All I can say that might help is, I am now starting to find a point to life again, partly because of the time that’s passed, but mostly because I have moved. I don’t think I could have coped with staying on in our house. After he died, every time I left the lounge, I could picture him coming along the hall, or in different rooms and going into his bedroom was well nigh impossible. (He had to sleep in another room when he was so ill or we neither of us got any sleep). Mind you, several times a night, I would get up and check on him, but at least I didn’t disturb the bit of sleep he managed to get.
Also, it’s only 5 months since you lost your husband - such early days to make decisions. It was two years before I felt able to move! But you must do it in your own time, and not be swayed by anyone maybe trying to push you into it. It’s your life.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you. Do let me know how it goes and if there’s anything I can do (talking you through the move or anything), please do say.
Hugs, Ann
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Thank you Ann. I appreciate you replying to me.
Your new home sounds lovely. I can imagine how hard it must have been for you to make the move but it sounds like you are settled and happy. I know that it’s not the way you wanted your life to be.
My lovely Ron would want me to be happy and not to struggle trying to keep our house maintained. I know a home is where your heart is so will be o.k when the time comes to move. You are right, It is maybe a bit too soon to make a big decision. I will keep you updated.
Thank you xx
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I am so glad that I will be hearing from you again. I really do want to know how you get on.
I have gone one step further now and I am having my study fitted out. That will help take my mind off things a bit. We just have to make a life. As you say, your Ron would have wanted that for you, as Tony would for me. We just have to carry on.
Looking forward to hearing from you again as things progress.
Hugs, Ann x