Keeping busy.

Steve passed away four years in April and it’s by hard. We were married for 40 years and courting for two years before that. A long time. I keep busy, probably too busy but that’s how I deal with the loneliness. Gym, allotment, looking after grandchildren and having coffee with a friend. I get fed up with my two sisters telling me I should slow down. They have no idea what it’s like to live alone. Sometimes don’t see anyone got a couple of days, I get really hacked off!!

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I do the same thing with keeping busy @Montague , although I am three years behind you. I actually don’t feel I have any choice in a lot of the things I do anyway but I also can’t imagine a life with too much spare time.

Thanks for coming on here to tell us about how you cope though.
Love
Karen xxx

Hi Montague, it’s only just twelve months since my lovely husband died and I’m finding it really hard. I can go days without seeing anyone now and I find the loneliness unbearable. You say it’s four years for you but when I think three, four, five years without my husband I just can’t perceive that. Life just looks so bleak. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I don’t know who I am any more. I applaud you for doing the things you are doing. Maybe someday things will improve for me but at present I feel like I’m drowning. Take care.X

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My husband passed away just over eight years ago in 2014 and up until Covid started, I was on the go all the time, trying to take my mind off everything. Then when Covid hit, and we were more or less isolated, I just walked around the park or did my gardening as there was nothing else to do as I had finished more or less everything before. Covid changed me, it made me more relaxed and now I have a peaceful existence, I do what I want when I want to and don’t have the inclination to be up and at 'em all the time.
If I do go out I am happy to get home again. home is my sanctuary, I lock the door and I am where I belong.
I don’t see anyone for weeks but I have stopped bothering about it, as long as I am healthy (I am 80 years old) I do have medical problems but they don’t stop me doing what I want to do. I have had the most wonderful life with my husband, together for 50 years so I count my lucky stars. I am happy in my own little way but would give anything to have my Peter back with me but that will never happen so I just get on with it.

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I admire your mindset @Lonely and how you are living your life the way you want it. Thank you, I will try to remind myself that my lovely home is my safe and happy sanctuary and where I am closest to my beloved Mark.

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Dear Markswife,
Thank you, I love our home, I still have Peter’s ashes and they are waiting for me and will then be scattered together in a place we both loved. While his ashes are with me so is he and this is still his home as well as mine.
Music plays a large part in my life now as each song brings back a certain memory.
This is one of our favourite songs recorded in the early 1960’s and it says everything about the music we loved.
THOSE OLDIES, BUT GOODIES (Remind Me Of You) ~ Little Caesar & The Romans (1961) - YouTube

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Hi Montague
Why on earth do your sisters tell you to slow down. If you can manage then keep going. You know that saying. “If you don’t use it you lose it”.
I also keep myself busy with our allotments (I was able to keep my husbands as well as my own). Gym work plus yoga and exercising. I walk about 2 to 3 hours a day with dogs and have my garden. I don’t meet people for coffee as I can’t stand the stuff but I do meet up with other dog walkers and enjoy their (and their dogs)company.
I never felt I was isolated during the lockdown as I was walking just the same, seeing other dog walkers but keeping to the required distances and walking over smaller area’s and of course the allotments could stay open and with my own garden it all kept me busy enough. I also decorated the house during this time. I’ve also become accustomed to my own company if the need arises. I think keeping busy and going out has kept me sane

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Dear Pat,
I too was exactly the same after Peter died in 2014, keeping busy, going out, decorating the house just to keep sane. Covid slowed me down such a lot even though I walked on the park, did gardening etc. but to be honest, since Covid I have become totally in love with being at home, pottering around and going out when I want to and not stressing about anything, I go with the flow and feel so relaxed about everything. Before Covid I used to stress about things that needed sorting out, would lie awake at night worrying about things but now I go to bed, get up in the night to use my eyedrops etc. and go back to sleep again. I no longer remember dreams I had even though I do know I have dreamed. I think what I am trying to say is that I have now come to terms with losing Peter and I also think because I am 80 years old, I don’t have much longer to live in this world without him and that is a great comfort to me. I do know for sure that if I was a younger woman with many years in front of me without Peter I would feel completely different.
I went to the shops the other day and really enjoyed myself, picking some gorgeous sunglasses and some jewellery and blouses for myself and having afternoon tea and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest that I am alone, I think during the last eight years on my own I have got used to it, but I will say, when the taxi drops me off outside my home and I lock the door behind me, it is the most comforting feeling to know that I am home where I belong.

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I think that is a lovely way to look at the life you are living without your beloved husband.
I only lost my husband in October after 43 years married. He was only 67 and when he went all of our future plans went too. I also think of my home as my sanctury. We were planning to move to a smaller home all on one level. I know I should go ahead with the move but the thought of people coming and looking round our home , I just couldn’t cope.
Your post has given me a bit of hope and a tiny bit of light at this dark time. Thank you xx

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Dear Alir,
I am so sorry for what you are going through, your husband was a year younger than my Peter when he died, much too young.
We were married 47 years and together 50 when Peter died and in all our married life in our home, where he carried me over the threshold, he always said that we would be there forever, even when bungalows came up for sale and I wanted to look at them he would not budge, this was his home and where he wanted to stay. We did make plans to live in Tenerife for the winter and take our German Shepherd pet with us, we had even ordered the airline crate but sadly, our pet died, then Peter became ill and was ill for the remaining eight years of his life and died aged 68. Peter was born just down the road from where our home is, our home was a new build in a lovely area, like a little village and when we were courting, Peter would take me to his local club so I knew the area long before we bought out home. His home where he lived with his parents was left to Peter when his mum died when he was 18 years old, his dad had died when he was 6 years old so when we married, his parents house was sold and gave us the money to buy our first home. I think that is the reason I stay, I can stand at my front window and see where Peter was born, and there are still the cricket stumps he painted on the school wall which he got in trouble for, the school has long gone but the wall is still there with the cricket stumps painted on it. On the day of Peter’s funeral, our sons organised the hearse to be driven around the streets where their dad was born, where he went to school and where he played football after school. I had a lovely childhood but my life really started to mean something the day I met Peter when he was 18 years old, before that my friends and I used to go dancing at the Town Hall or the local club, we were much too young to go but we looked older so got past the doormen. Then one night, my sister and I went to the Mecca Locarno. I saw this tall, handsome young man across the dance floor and he asked me to dance and that was it, love at first sight. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I look at his photograph, he was so handsome, loving and caring, I have been so lucky in my life, and I honestly would love to relive it all, especially go back to 1964 when I met Peter.

Please take care.

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Hi there Sheila
I think I must also be accepting the loss. I am also finding that I am becoming calmer with life and accepting and being grateful for what I have and not what I had. I have learned not to stress over the past and we do come to terms. We still have those lovely memories and we never for a minute stop loving them.
It is all abut finding the things you can do again and enjoy. My love is walking in the countryside and appreciating what is around me. Watchng my home grown veggies mature even though I can probably buy them cheaper in the supermarkets. I try to find things out there everyday that give me pleasure. You are correct we do get used to being on our own and can even enjiy life again. I do hope that newly bereaved can find some comfort at some time once again but I’m sure you will agree it does take time and patience and even hard work to get to this stage.
Pat
xx

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Hi Lonley
What a lovely message you sent me, thank you. I loved hearing about you and your beloved Peter, what a great life you have had. I admire the way you can talk about him and the fact that you can live again.
I was eighteen when I met my lovely husband. We met on a blind date and he told me afterwards that he knew he would marry me. We had 45 years together, 43 of them married. I hope one day I can talk about him in the way you talk about your Peter. It’s still very early days for me but I am determined that one day I will be able to take joy out of the days again and live as my Ron would want me to. Thank you x

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I also love hearing about your life with Peter @Lonely and really appreciate that you still give your insight and encouragement to so many of us. Love that the cricket stumps are still visible on the wall.
Richard was born in this village and is buried just feet from the garden wall of the old farmhouse he was born in, which is exactly where he wanted to be.
I miss him every day and would, like you, love to do it all again. We both felt we were meant to be together and I know we will be again one day.
Love
Karen xxx

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Thank you to everyone who replied to my comments.
When we first lose our soulmates, the world suddenly comes to an end for us, the life we knew has now gone and we are left to pick up the pieces. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that Peter was no longer here, I kept all his belongings for three years just in case it was a big mistake and he would come home again.
One morning I woke up and decided that the time had come to accept that this was it for the rest of my life, I had to take charge and stop wishing for something that could never happen. I won’t lie and tell you that after eight years on my own I don’t cry, because I do cry. I cry for what I have lost, I cry for what Peter has lost and I cry because I am no longer that young, pretty girl that Peter fell in love with and I cry because I want to live my life all over again and I can’t.
I just think I am so lucky that I met the man of my dreams because there are so many people out there will never in a million years know what true love is and that is so terribly sad. Even our sons tell me that they will never have what their dad and I had.
Love to all.

Sheila.x

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It’s lovely to read about you and Peter and your life now . 3 years since I list my hubby . He was 71and we were almost 50
Years married . I too look on our home as my sanctuary . We lived all over uk with husbands Jin but came back to where we started and where we grew up and met when hubby became unwell so I have a lovely bungalow which we chose together and he loved it . Life is sad but I have accepted that’s the way it is . I spend a lot of time away at my children’s homes all over the uk but so love to be back home where I feel Daves presence all the time . Like you I am grateful we had all those years and am nearer the end of my life . Meantime I try to enjoy my children and grandchildren as he would have wanted me to . Take care and thank you - lonely - for your post :two_hearts:

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It’s only been 10 weeks since I lost my husband and I sometimes feel just as you said, that’s it’s all been a big mistake and he will come home, and I look at his things thinking he will need them Or wishing I could just go back in time :cry:

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Thank you, Lonely, for your gentle posting. I am just over 6 months into this sad and difficult journey. I am thinking of selling our big victorian home, for somewhere smaller and easier to maintain. Lots of mixed emotions for our children and I, but i know that Ken would want me to do what brings me peace. Being with someone who loved me, for over fifty years, was a blessing, and being nearer the near end of my life, i am trying to look at life in a gentle way.
Love to you all xx

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Dear All,

Thank you for your replies to my post. As time goes by we learn to accept what has happened and become grateful for the love we had for so many years as so many people never have that, many children and young adults die too young. I was reading this morning about the young people who died in the car crash, just starting out on their lives and my heart breaks for their family, at least we had 50 years wonderful years together.

Love to all.

Sheila.xx

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Such a tragic loss, they should have had so much life in front of them. You are right Sheila, we were blessed xx

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Hello Alir,
I am sorry for your loss.
The reason i am writing is because you said you can’t stand the thought of people looking around your home if you decide to sell. I don’t know if you are aware, but you don’t need to be present when people view your home. You can instruct the Estate Agent to do an accompanied viewing, and you can take yourself off somewhere for an hour. Try to go somewhere where you won’t be dwelling on the viewing. Perhaps visit a friend or family.
I was sure moving would be the best thing for me when Tony died, and I was right. The memories are in your head and heart, not in the bricks of your house. Where-ever you go, they will be with you, as mine are with me. And I know he would be happy that I am making a life without him and would be devastated if I hadn’t been able to cope and go forward. It’s certainly not the life I wanted, but what is the alternative? I am reasonably happy with it and try to make the best of it.
I wish you the very best of luck. It will get more bearable in time, and you will learn to adapt.
Hugs, Ann
.

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