Keeping it together

My Dad died a month ago, damn it’s even hard to write that! I knew that grief would be difficult and life changing, it comes in swells and completely engulfs me, I am scared. I am so scared that I am rushing through the days, I cleared all Dads stuff immediately with the exception of a few sentimental bits, I kept his cap, his merchant navy passport and a few other items. I am making decisions quickly, I am agitated, restless and very vulnerable. I have spent money I dont have and am paying over the odds to people because of my haste to complete tasks. Thing is I want to clean and clear my house, I want to make it hermit ready, I want to batten down the hatches, turn the lights and volume of the world down, lay on the couch and soothe my wounds. I feel out of control! Today the nursing home my mum is in emailed to say they have a couple of cases of covid amongst the residents and now I am in bits, what if she dies, what if anyone else I love dies? I just cannot do this again. I have a child I need to function for, and all I want to do is hide.

Whoa!!! Cathy. Slow down. I know, we all know the pain and what grief can do to us. Rushing here and there to try and avoid the pain will not help. You need to pace yourself. Are you scared of the future? Of being alone? Of going crazy? That again is a common experience we all seem to go through. It won’t happen!! It took me a month or two to clear my wife’s things up. Some hang on to everything and that’s their choice. You are not ‘out of control’. I know it feels like it but it’s not so. Grief is such an individual process. We all cope in our own way. You will too. Of course you will worry about you mum. If you are unable to visit it makes it all the more difficult. You have a child to look after and he/she will need love and understanding. It’s not by any means an easy process to go through, and it’s such early days for you. But please try and slow down. Take it all one day at a time. Let emotions come as they will. Try not to anticipate events that may not happen. ‘What ifs’ are difficult to bear I know.
Take it easy, well as easy as you can. Bless you. John.

Hi Cathy this is just how I was after my Mum died - very manic. Anxiety is another part of grief. Be kind to yourself - maybe take a walk and have a warm bath. I found swimming very calming. I cleared mums house very early as I was so full of anxiety but thank goodness I did keep sentimental things. I have been trying to connect and say what I want to say to my mum through meditation - just having a few minutes calming breaths can really help. But 100% I was in manic overdrive for the first few weeks. Take good care of yourself xxx