Keeping up appearances for other people's sakes

Why do we all say we must be strong for the sake of other people? Those other people are probably saying exactly the same thing.
Maybe we should all let our guards down and say it how it is? Or would we all be so much more miserable then for so much more time?
This isn’t a criticism, just a question. I do exactly the same, hiding how I feel, keep on keeping on, living a kind of nightmare.
It’s nearly six months since my husband lost the fight against throat cancer and it had been such a hard year prior to that. But I’d give anything to relive some of those terrible but beautiful days.
This is my first Christmas for 45 years without him. It’s hard enough to see any point in ordinary days but Christmas is going to be really hard.
I don’t think the crying will ever cease, every day at some point.i find myself in tears, and sometimes I get so sick of feeling like this and just wish I could move on, not feel what I feel, be someone else.
There’s no easy answer, no magic button, no hope.


It is nearly 6 months for me too. My husband died on 2nd July. I know I am better than I was but yes with other people I probably seem like I used to be. They don’t know about the daily weepy moments. It’s like grieving is a shameful secret we have to do in private. If I get a bit watery eyed I immediately repress it.

Christmas does seem so hard. Someone told me they had heard of one culture where they did not celebrate Christmas on the first year after a bereavement. That makes sense. My sons were coming to be with me but that is now up in the air as one of them has COVID and the other one had contact with him so is waiting for test results. In a way maybe being on my own I could just ignore the whole thing.

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I do the same do my crying when I’m on my own so I don’t upset others. But if someone asks how I am I feel myself welling up and try to hold it back. I hate this new life I didn’t sign up for . Unless you have been though grief you don’t know what it’s like it feels like a pain that starts in your stomach and envelopes your ole body then I feel sick and so tried but can’t sleep

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We’ll meaning friends and family keep telling me the first anniversary of anything after a loss is the worse & once I’ve got Christmas & New Year out if the way I’ll start to “move forward” & “feel better” do they not understand it doesn’t have to be a special occasion I miss Keith every minute of every day & I alway will, it’s 22 weeks since I said goodbye & yes I am slowly emerging from the fug & shock but the pain of losing him is still raw, today I’d planned to clean & freshen up bedrooms as my daughter & 2 granddaughters are staying overnight at Christmas but I’ve not done anything, I’m so tired all the time doing anything leaves me exhausted x

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I have days like that. All the good intentions of things I mean to do and I just can’t be motivated or find the energy. The grief is so draining.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss and agree with you when you say, “it’s only me who can mend me”
When I am feeling very low I wish there was someone who could really help, take it all away but rationality soon re-emerges - I think it’s like when you were a kid and a parent could fix anything.
Like you so many people have told me how brave I am, how much I have achieved - and I’ve lost count of the number of people who will be “thinking of me” this Christmas.
Have the best time you can over this period. I’m trying to think about the many good times but they also make me sad.

Certainly before Robbie died I had no idea what real loss was. And I try to remember that when talking to others - they probably have no idea what I’m going through. And even if they had, there’s nothing they can do.
I hope Christmas works out for you, just try and get through it as best you can.

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Have had a couple of really bad days, I really want to be by myself the next few days but “kids” won’t hear of it & I do understand because they’ve lost their dad & want us to be be together supporting each other, we’ll remember Keith, remenice past Christmases & make the best of it x

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So true, why do people not want to talk to you about the passing of someone your love nor any memories you have, isn’t that part of the healing process.?