This is a long story, but I don’t feel like I have anyone in my life to talk about this to. I have gone a long time feeling like I don’t have the right to these feelings. I really just want to air it out and if anyone wants to read about a love story that never was and my journey with grief, then I welcome you to 
In 2007, when I was 16, I met a guy and we hit it off. We didn’t necessarily date officially, but for two years he took me out, he took me to his sisters wedding, we talked everyday. He was a huge part of my life and I loved him. Shortly before I met him he had hernia surgery and unfortunately one thing led to another and he was quickly addicted to opioids. This is important for later in the story.
During this time, I also had a good friend in a different state who I had dated off and on. A month before I turned 19, I got married to this other man (military) and I moved to NC then eventually FL. For the next couple years I texted the first man on and off , but when I was 21, I went to visit my family and met up with him at a park for an hour or so, just to chat and catch up. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t keep seeing him or even talking to him because I still had feelings for him and I didn’t want an infidelity situation to happen in my marriage. It was a really nice meetup and at the end, I gave him a great big hug and told him I would love him forever. I went back to NC and blocked his number in an effort to move on.
The next year (2012) he had gotten married, then had a son. He looked happy. He was still on drugs. His wife is actually one of my husbands family members and she said he was sober, but I never really believed it.
In 2015, just after his 24th birthday, I was at work at 5am and I got a text that he had passed away by overdose. I listened to his wife cry, but in all honesty I was never really over our relationship that never was. I was sad and I wanted to lean on my support system, which was my husband. You see, my husband didn’t like him because I dated him. When I told my husband he died, he laughed. He laughed in my face and said good that’s what that druggie deserved and I’ll never forget the coldness that made me feel. My largest supporter made me feel like I had no right to grieve this person who was a wonderful amazing human with a heart of gold, that I loved with my heart. To be fair, this man is no longer my husband and if I had the confidence back then that I do now, I would have never let that go the way it did. But hindsight is 20/20.
By myself, I grieved his death the best way I knew how. I should have gotten a therapist but I didn’t have the resources. I also had a toddler at home and I did everything to take care of him while working full time. I was exhausted. In 2018, I decided to start running to take away some of that stress. I ran thousands of miles over the next two years. I cried, pleaded, yelled, all the things. I think it helped, Now I deal with stress in my life through exercise mostly CrossFit.
Fast forward to four days ago (2022). I’m single and rebuilding my life post divorce. I had to recreate my Facebook account because it was deleted and I added a lot of old friends from high school. Five people reached out and messaged asking how I’ve been.
Last night I had the hard realization that the one person I would have loved to hear from and catch up with after all this time, is dead. I’ll never hear from him. I used to fantasize that when we were older and if the time was right, we would catch up or maybe even rekindle the relationship we had. That will never happen. That fantasy is just a dream and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Since last night I just feel like I’ve been tossed into grief about it again. The loss of our relationship, the loss of his life. The guy I’m seeing now I feel like I could talk to about it. I’m sure it’s not easy to hear about my feelings about a past lover, but he’s had a lot of grief in his life with losing both parents that I think he could empathize.
I don’t know. I just wanted to get this off my chest and maybe my head won’t be so heavy this week. I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this with so thank you for listening.