Keep reading how people are really traumatised by seeing their partner/parent take their last breath but I’m traumatised because I wasn’t there my dad died alone in his hospital bed before anyone noticed. It’s breaking my heart. Maybe it’s as bad either way I keep replaying what his final moments were like and wish I was there in time.
Please try not to punish yourself for this
I watched my grandas take his last breaths in May and it does haunt me sometimes. I stay on that memory and ponder on it . I think im in soo much disbelief that i was there and that actually happened, i still can’t believe he’s gone.
Either way if you were there or not there, the thoughts will haunt you. But dont put too much pressure on yourself or beat yourself up that you weren’t there. Because you was there, in their mind
Take care x
I saw my dad take his last breaths. I was glad I was there but do tend to keep it at the back of my mind his last moment. I do agree it will haunt you whatever way it happens.
If it was anything like my dear dad it happens quick and they know you were thinking of them and loved them. Just be kind to yourself
I appreciate this might not help you much, but when Karen took her last breath, I was sitting beside her, holding her hand, stroking her hair, telling her how much I loved her. I felt the moment was extremely peaceful and relaxed, it is certainly a moment I hope I never forget.
I agree that either way you are bound to have terrible feelings… I am haunted by the last memory of my partner who passed away two months ago even though he wasn’t in that much pain… If i had had a choice, i would still have wanted to be there for him. I just wish it wasn’t so sudden It breaks my heart everyday because I never had the chance to express my final gratitude to him…
Penny it sounds like it was very quick. Try and think of it this way. He was in a warm comfy bed. It was very quick. Leaving behind a life time of love. That lifetime of love means more than anything. I was with my mum when she passed. I don’t think in those final moments they are very aware of much. My uncle nearly died. He remembers nothing of where he was or who was there with him until they brought him out of the coma. The last thing he remembered was going to bed. Their consciousness fades very quickly without even time to comprehend what is happening.
Penny7, I agree with everything Jooles45 has said. I understand what you are saying but try not to torture yourself over it. I really believe its what you do and did for the person in life that’s important, not what happens so much at the end of life. It sounds like your dad was very comfortable at the end. I hope you start to feel better about it soon and concentrate on all the happy times you had together. Sending you lots of love x
When my dad passed away none of us were there we had been that evening but wasnt expecting him to go so soon he had the horrible rattle when i last saw him which wasnt nice at all but i regretted no staying with him.
My partner passed away in june i stayed with him 2 nights and he passed away on the monday morning i didnt hear him or see him take his last breath as his breathing became very shallow and i wanted to go to the loo before he passed got a nurse to sit with him but weirdly all the toilets were locked it was as if to say i need you to come back so i did and within 5 minutes he had gone
I stilk have flashbacks now of him laid there im not coping well at the moment with everything x
I believe a person chooses their moment to pass and if you were not present then you were not meant to be there and they did not want you to be. I missed my dad’s passing 5 hrs after leaving his bedside but deep down I knew I couldn’t handle it and therefore so did my dad so he chose to spare me of witnessing it. It’s called unconditional love
Thats what i think with my dad too he wouldnt hsve wanted us to see him die
But felt with my partner he would have wnated me there amd thats why soemthing made me go back to his room.x
i was with my mum until the very end, for her she went the way she wanted to, i held her hand, stroked her hair, told her she’d fought long enough, told her she was safe and she could go. and she did. for my mum i’m sure it was right, for me, the guilt of telling her to go is unbearable. its one memory i wish i didn’t have. i think there’s pros and cons. i doubt it alters the grief left behind
So hard i said to my partner its time to go you go and find your happy place about half hour later he was gone x
Although I am grateful that I was with my husband for his last breath for his sake, and for mine because he used one of his last breaths to say with great difficulty “I love you” whilst looking in my eyes with terror/pain trying to breathe and holding my hand, the trauma of seeing it all unfold and what happened the following 26 minutes until the ambulances arrived and then afterwards is also part of my nightmares forever. I think my husband’s last breath will be my own last dying thought.
Whether there or not there are heartaches from both options…
Wendy. Your experience sounds very much like mine. I told my mum I stroked my mums face “you can go now mummy. Go and have a nice sleep”. I’ve been told telling someone that is the ultimate unconditional love you can give someone in their last moments.