Late wave of grief

My husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack in 2020, during the first lockdown. Although he had 2 children from his first marriage, we didn’t have our own kids but I am close to his daughter. After being with him for 27.5 years, I feel so alone. At the time he died, my father was in a care home struggling with advanced dementia. Whilst I was unable to visit him, knowing that he still needed me to look after his interests financially, ensure he had toiletries, new clothes etc kept me going. I was also furloughed from work and could have chosen to take voluntary redundancy but as it was still within 3 months of my husband’s death, I thought that it was too soon to make that kind of huge, life-changing decision so I hung on and was called back to work Dec 20.
I did grieve for my husband but I wonder now if I didn’t let it all go because I was hanging on for my dad. In May 2021, I was about to start a new role in the same organisation and at that point, my dad went into end of life and died. I couldn’t let myself fall apart because I was starting a new job on a 6 month secondment. It was also just at the time I was thinking about reorganising my life. Did the job, returned to my previous role and now I have another 6 month secondment starting. A few years ago, I would have loved the opportunity but now, I’m not even sure that I want to do it. Committing to something that really doesn’t matter or give me any pleasure feels too huge and frightening.
At the weekend, I didn’t feel well and suddenly a huge wave of grief hit me. I cannot stop the tears or sadness. Yes, I know this moment will pass. I have contacted my GP and am taking some sick leave. I don’t know what’s next - all I do know is that I need to create some changes in my life so it isn’t just about long days at work and coming home to an empty house. This year 2022, my husband would have retired: we’d planned that I would find a more local part time job so that we could spend more time together and travel a bit. Now all of that is gone. I feel destroyed.
Has anyone else gone through something like this?

Hello @Bibi - yes, I understand. My story is a bit different - but here goes. My husband died 2 months ago. I was working 2.5 days a week, fitting it around visiting him in the hospital and then I took a break in last 6 weeks to be with him as much as possible. Covid rules, one hour a day, etc, then the hospice - with him full time there for 10 days and then he died. Immediately I am thrown into the administration and it was a lot, and really complicated. No time to grieve. Stress. Then his business has a serious cash crunch. I am rushing around, drumming up finance and setting up a potential sale. All within 8 weeks of his death after a long and gruelling illness and 6 month hospital stay. So like you, no time to grieve - just battles on every hand. We had planned a very different future - travelling, theatre, opera, skiing, all that jazz. And now, just me. Feeling empty, completely drained. I don’t know if the business will sell or collapse - either way, I am doing what I can. I know exactly what you mean about feeling destroyed, my friend. Lots of us here will. We go through these days together. You are not alone. x

Thank you @Vancouver. I am so sorry for your loss and the situation you are now in.
Everyone thinks that I am so resilient and tough because I always deal with things. I wish they really understood it’s because I have to - there isn’t anyone else.
Now it’s time for me and don’t know what to do with it. The 2 people I would have discussed it with are gone. Perhaps I am frightened, although I have never been risk averse.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can after a very tough time. Please give yourself some time to grieve and try to find a little bit of happiness or pleasure in every day to help you get through this.

Hi @Bibi - my grief journey is a long one, as I lost the love of my life very suddenly four years ago. I don’t lurk on this site very much these days, but I still get times when the emptiness without him is a bit overwhelming and today just happened to be one of those days. Like you I had a lot of complex personal and business issues to cope with for a couple of years after he died and then the dreaded covid hit, So I pretty much waded through each day and lost myself for much of the time - as I had a couple of small companies which I was running. Then out of the blue I woke up one morning knowing I couldn’t carry on doing 15 hr days indefinitely and my health was suffering badly, I ended up closing one down a few months ago. I don’t regret that but it’s meant I now have the time to think about what I’ve lost, as we too had lots of exciting plans for the future. So I honestly truly know how hard this road is….and sadly it’s still rocky for me at times. As @Vancouver says - you are not alone.