Hi all. Reading a lot of recently posted messages. Of people who are in the first stages of loosing a child. Reminds me of how truly life changing it is. It really is such a massive shock that I think the brains default mode is to shut down. Absolutely nothing makes sense. Your body becomes alien to you. Eating and sleeping become obsolete. For months the lightning bolt keeps hitting you. The disbelief that your son or daughter are never coming back. Shocks you too The core and completely renders you helpless. We aren’t meant to see our children go before us, especially if it is totally unexpected. While all this is happening you are supposed to carry on behaving like a normal person. But you are anything but normal. Nothing will be normal for us again. After a very short period of time, possibly a few months. People around seem to think you should be over it. Like it’s a car that you had to get rid of or some money you lost. They don’t understand that loosing a child is a truly monumental catastrophe that happened to YOU!!!. it didn’t happen to them they can’t possibly understand.
We all have to do whatever it is that we need to do to get through this trauma. I talk to my boy all the time. If ever I have to do anything stressful like job interviews or hospital appointments or meet someone new ECT. I always convince myself he’s with me. He’s my invisible helping hand. My light shinning in the dark. People don’t get that unless they can walk in our shoes. … regardless of how much time passes you still think they are going to walk through the door again. By the time you get to the first anniversary you are just about beginning to except they are gone. But they are always in the recesses of your mind. You carry them round with you wherever or whatever ever you are doing. Other people can’t see them. But everything you do you include them in your mind. They are a constant part of our makeup. They are in every fibre of our being. I’m lucky ( not the rite word). That I am 7 years into my new existence. Doesn’t hurt any less. But I have become a grand master had masking what is really going on underneath. In the last 7 years my boy has been with me every step of the way. You can’t see him. But I no he’s there. Jim
Oh Jim,
Everything you post is always exactly to the point and says just how we are all feeling. It just washes over in a massive tidal wave. I look out of the window and picture Andrew pulling up in his car, getting Ash the dog out and I would quickly get the kettle on. If it was sunny we’d sit in the garden while Ash charged about. When it was time for him to leave we’d walk through the house and I’d end up giving him a bag of bits and bobs, spare shower gels, hand cream, chocolate bars…all the extras I’d bought so I could share them with him.
Now as we sort his flat out slowly I’m bringing back all the things I’ve given him and it’s absolutely heartbreaking 
. I remember you saying you’d live in a hole in the ground just to have your son back ( I think it was you) and it’s so true!! I’d give everything I own, work until I’m 90, lose everyone else (apart from my other son) if Andrew could still be here.
The pain of losing a child is beyond understanding to those that haven’t experienced it. It’s a living Hell!!!
Love and best wishes Sue xxx
Hi suedav. Thank you. And yes it was me. I’d gladly live in a hole in the ground just to have my boy back. . You sound like you had an amazing relationship with your son. I was the same with my son
We were more best friends than father son. When he left home and moved to London ( I’m in Manchester) he’d ring me every night on his way home from work. We would talk absolute rubbish to each other constantly laughing. By the time the call had finished I’d realized we hadn’t swapped any important information. We’d just spent half an hour laughing. What I’d give to have one of those calls again . You will smile and laugh again . It will take time. But it will happen. I hated myself for even daring to dream of doing anything nice ever again. But it does come back gradually. I no you won’t see that at the moment. It’s the furthest thing from your mind. I often think about the jokes I shared with him and it makes me smile. Usually to the point of tears. Take care my friend . Jim
Thank you Jim,
Reading your messages does give me hope for the future. I’m not expecting too much yet as it’s all still so very raw but to never feel that happiness again that I shared when I was with Andrew…well…life wouldn’t be worth living at all.
You’re 7 years down that road…I’m only 7 weeks 
.
Just going to sit out in the sun now…with a coffee. Too early as yet for that first gin!
Thank you though for your positive posts.
Sue xxxxx
Jim i love reading your posts .you just say it how it is .you give me hope .you should write a book . Take care my friend x zoex
I have no words that express how I feel yet when I read these posts it explains exactly how I’m feeling. It’s been 22 months yet it feels like it was yesterday. I’ve relived that day for the last 686 days. It consumes me, no matter what I’m doing Shona is always there. We have photos up in the house of all our children but yet they are the only ones I can bring myself to look at. As much as I miss hearing her infectious laugh and seeing her beautiful smile I can’t bring myself to watch or look at the numerous videos of her laughing her head off and the photos of her constantly smiling. Then I feel guilty for not watching them. I worry she thinks I don’t care because i no longer cry as often as I did. But I know it’s because I’m in denial about the reality of our lives. On the other hand I also worry when I do cry that it’s upsetting her seeing me so heartbroken. My life is now just full of grief, guilt, worry and anxiety. I pray for the day when I no longer have to be apart from Shona but don’t want to leave my other children and husband with more heartache.
How can life be so cruel…
Butterfly14 I’m so sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter Shona. Everyone on this site is different and all deal with their grief in different ways. Some find it hard to look at photos of their lost children others, like me, find a comfort in looking at them. I cry …I sob my heart out…when I look at the photos of Andrew but then feel peaceful for a little while.
My partner can’t listen to Andrew’s voice on videos but I love hearing him.
It’s only 10 weeks since we lost him so maybe things will change…I don’t know.
It’s been a lot longer for you…I know I’ll miss Andrew and still cry for him for the rest of my life.
We spent so much time together. Every weekend we were out detecting somewhere in the Norfolk countryside so now I find myself sobbing in the car as we drive past all the fields where I spent so many happy times with him.
There are so many wise and helpful people posting on this site…I hope you find it helps you talking to them.
It’s been such a help to me.
Love and hugs…Sue xxxx
When it first happened I found comfort in videos and photos like you do but as time has gone on its hurts to much to see them. I have found the only was for me to be able to function is for me to convince myself Shona is just out doing normal teenage girl stuff. I feel like time has just stood still no matter how many minutes, hours, days pass to me it’s Sunday 12th July 2020. The pain hasn’t got any easier it’s just I’ve found a way of masking it. I also understand this probably won’t be something I’ll be able to do over a long period of time… So I am expecting it to hit me hard at some point. I just hope and pray I have enough time and strength to get my son the help he so desperately need before I need the help myself.
It sounds like you and your son have an amazing relationship and that in its self proves what a loving mum you are.
I have 4 children and I know I too have a brilliant relationship with each of them.
I have been reading a lot of posts on here over the last couple of days and everyone sounds so supportive of each other. People seem to be able to say exactly how they are feeling without having to worry about it being judged by others x
Hi butterfly im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter .everyone here are at different stages of grief .we all deal with things differently .but we find our self on this same road .no one expects to outlive there children .come on here and vent we are all friends baby steps take care of yourself love zoe 
Thank you Zoe. It’s definitely not a road anyone would choose to be on. I never thought I would be one to share my pain with complete strangers but here I am and finding it more comforting in speaking to people who understand my pain than family and friends who’ve never had a child taken from them. I feel like I’m burdening people with my pain and worries. So instead I have been keeping it all to myself x
I totally get that . You feel you shouldn’t upset them .they dont know what to say . I have a partner of 32 years .we dont talk about sam he cant .and when sam got diagnosed he went into shutdown .sam was 24 and diagnosed with sarcoma a rare cancer.got told jan last year was gone by april .i dealt with everything care .medical.hospital.everything and still i feel alone in my grief .this site butterfly has saved me.i can say anything and not be judged we all here for one and other xxx zoe xxx
Butterfly your daughter was so young too this wicked world we live in xx
I’m sorry to hear about your son. Cancer is such a cruel disease. I lost my cousin exactly a year to the day after my daughter. She was diagnosed with cancer that spread so quick, I blame the doctors for this as they wouldn’t give her a face-to-face appointment despite her previously having breast cancer. Although we are cousins we have also been close friends since we were kids. She was there to support me after Shona passed and it was horrible watching her suffer without being able to help. I hate to think how it must feel for you having to watch your son in the same pain.
Like you I have also been with my husband for along time (24 and 1/2 years) we were just 14 when we got together. We can talk to each other but he doesn’t like to upset me so he holds back on alot of stuff. He was the one who dealt with the hospital and the coroner ect. I feel guilty for not helping him but I just weren’t upto it. All I could think about was being with Shona for as long as I could before they told me I couldn’t be there anymore.
I’m glad you have found this site so you will no longer feel alone in your grief (hopefully)
Take care of yourself!
Sarah x
You too sarah dont feel guilty .i have learnt we all deal with things differently big hug zoe x
That’s right. We are all different but none of us wanted this to happen. Any which way we grieve is how it is. Good enough for today. All we can do sometimes is just keep on keeping on. Knowing that though we feel alone, there’s others who feel as bereft as we do. We can help ourselves at least a tiny tiny bit by sharing with each other, human to human. We all know there’s no easy answers, or a cure. There will often be no answers at all. Seeing others further down the path shows me that I can learn to keep on keeping on and sometime there will be, not a resolution, of all the feelings, but they can be less all encompassing and we will be able to find a little space in our hearts to care for ourselves too. Sending you love x