Left feeling guilty

A long time ago my Rob was working hour after hour and when I said do you really have to work these hours he said “ well to be honest I would rather be at work than at home right now “ we didn’t discuss his issues any further and just carried in as we had always done in my eyes. As the kids grew up and eventually left home to make their own lives we became really close and everyday he would tell me loved me, we hardly ever argued but we did have our moment as all couples do. We did things together and had week ends away we were married for 33 years . Towards the end Rob had a job that was 12 hour days and his rota was horrendous he would get 4 days on one off 2 on and so on . Iv now been 11 weeks without him and I can’t help thinking had we gone in a full circle and was he back to rather being at work than at home again . I know he had always said if ever he felt he needed to get out the marriage he walls say so to be fair to himself and me and we never once discussed parting . But I’m now left wondering if he worked hours on end and I’m now left alone and feeling guilty

Hello, Kazz, I think we tend to focus on the negative side of perspective when we are down, I did the same when my partner passed away almost two months ago (I still do at times and I may share my story one day), but I am sure you can recall some recent moments you two enjoyed together, I know it’s hard but try not to overthink as there’s almost always something unresolved, hang on to your best memories, they will be the closest thing to an answer for you in time of doubt. My love is with you

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Hi Karen. Earlier on in a relationship is different and every relationship has times we lash out, i bet if Rob was here instead of you he could think of things you said to him that could have played on his mind too but you know they were not so badly intended. Maybe you can’t even remember things he would that you said.

You said yourself he was so loving, particularly in the later years once stresses of raising children lessened so you could be a couple again and the other things you described so no i don’t think he wanted to leave at all. Also I think the state of our medical system now is far worse so he really did have to work extra now is highly likely logically. Especially mental health.

I think you are overthinking coz it was his birthday and that must be a really hard day for you. Take care and I hope you are asleep right now and wake up not feeling as wretched x

FleurDelis yes I had a relatively good sleep think it must have been the wine because I don’t drink really . Today I’m not feeling quite so painful. Thank you for your reply and yes when the kids are little it is so very stressful especially when you are both working in high demanding jobs too.
We were married for 33 years so we didn’t do bad by today’s standards . Yesterday was a tough day and I’m expecting Christmas will also be tough although I’m at work Christmas Day . Thanks again take care lovely to chat x

Kazzer I don’t think there is a married couple on here who have not said something to their partner that they wish they could take back or didn’t mean. It sounds like you did pretty good. Try not to focus on those tiny moments of doubt. They will lessen. It is hard in the early stages not to overthink everything. I still analyse everything too much. And it’s all the negative stuff. And I think why am I doing this. Me and mum had such lovely happy times. It’s a rotten thing to do to ourselves.

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