Let down by friend after Dad's death

Coping with bereavement
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My dad died on 29 January. He’d been diagnosed with bowel cancer in October but his death was quite sudden in the end.

Someone I considered to be my best and closest friend - the first friend I told - has not checked in on me once since it happened.

When I first told her she said all the usual things, how sorry she was etc. But then I heard nothing.

We don’t live close by anymore and I didn’t expect visits or calls. I know she’s not a sending cards or flowers kind of person and that’s fine. But after four days I was surprised she hadn’t messaged to see how I was.

I do understand it’s hard for some people to know what to do or say; they might think you want to be left alone. So I reached out to her. I had a question about funeral music licensing and her husband works in that area so I thought it would be a good opportunity to message her, start a conversations, let her know I was open to contact, that she didn’t need to avoid me.

She replied trying to help with the question, but didn’t even ask how I was.

I sent a thank you, apologising for the delay because my first message didn’t send, again trying to keep lines of communication open. She responded basically saying “No worries, I figured you were busy” and she was glad we’d sorted it out. Again, no attempt to converse.

It’s now been over a month since my dad died and she still hasn’t checked in at all. She responded to my messages, but hasn’t initiated contact once. Hasn’t asked me anything, attempted to talk about what happened or asked how I am, or asked when the funeral is or how it went.

This is really eating me up at a time when I am grieving the loss of my dad. I became quite consumed by it over the last couple of days and I resent it more because I am thinking more about this than my dad, which is not what I want.

I don’t want to lose someone I thought was a good friend, but I just don’t think I can see her in the same way again. I’m single and I thought friends would sustain me. I don’t want a confrontation and in my current heightened emotional state I am scared of saying something I later regret.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you manage to repair the relationship?

I’m crying again, not sleeping. I thought the worst of the grief was over, I was healing, but now I think I’m sliding backwards.

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I think some people simply don’t know what to say and are worried they might say the wrong thing. We had a similar thing where a close male relative of my husband didn’t phone us once in the 6 weeks between our son’s passing and his funeral. We made the initial call to say what had happened, and then received a sympathy card written by his wife, but no phone call which is really the one thing you crave. I think you should put this friend to one side and find some other people who really understand how you feel. You might find sympathy and support from people you least expected to. And you will certainly find sympathy and support from people on this forum. I know I have and it has been tremendously helpful.

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Thank you for your reply and sorry you’ve experienced this too. I’ve been reading similar stories from others and this comes up a lot, the idea that people don’t know what to say so they say nothing. I do get that, which is why I reached out first.

I think part of the reason I feel so hurt is that I think a good friend would instinctively want to know how I am, rather than asking out of obligation, so checking in and asking would come naturally. But I think you’re right, I have to put this one aside. Anything now would feel like too little too late.

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Hi @AirstripCat . A similar thing happened to me, my Grandad suddenly died and for the few days after, I was so lost. I called my friend, who I thought I was close to. She offered her sympathies and said she’d come to the chapel of rest but then she started telling me her problems. Our friendship was phasing out an for me to move forward, i’ve cut contact. I had people I’ve not known for long calling me, even just listening to me. I told her about the year anniversary and she didn’t even bother getting in touch on the day. I think the way this person is may affect you, and it’s just not what you need after going through a loss. My thoughts are with you and please take care :heart: x

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Thank you. You too. :heart:

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I am SO very sorry. It is hard enough as it is to lose your dear father, then for her to act like this is no fun.

Your reaction is normal - hers is not. I experienced same with a friend. And though we remained friends, I have found I no longer really love or care for her anymore.

When our parents die, we really decide on people at this time.

I would never again contact her. I know about reaching out. I understand. You are sort of making sure she really is an ass----- before you dump her.

No longer reach for her support is my advice, as it is not there.

I wish you the best.

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Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been through the same but it does help to know I’m not alone.

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Good friends will surface, where this one has faded. You will always remember who was and wasn’t there for you, and it will ultimately be her loss.

My best friend surpassed any expectations I may have had. She was with me in the hospital within 30 minutes of hearing that my dad was critically ill, she came to vet the funeral venue with me, she let me use her scanner for all the photos, she brought food for me and my family, she babysat my sister’s children so that my sister could be at the hospital, all the while being a new mum to a 7-month old.

Others friends have been mixed. Some have been better at the emotional side, others better at the practical side. Some have been much less present than I’d like. But friends who were perhaps just acquaintances before, are now friends, because of how they supported me. A friend of my best friend came to the funeral, and I thought that it was so lovely that she had, because she was only really a friend of a friend, and was also a new mum.

It’s in these tough times that you see, or are reminded, of who the good people are. :yellow_heart:

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This is so true @Burgled - and now I’ve been through this I will make sure I am always that friend to others too.

My sister’s friend who was widowed very young came to my dad’s funeral and I couldn’t understand that at first. But now I think it’s so wonderful that someone who didn’t know him now does, and got to hear about him. She obviously gets it, and now I do.

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That’s wonderful.

My dad used to go to every funeral, whether or not he had known the deceased well. My mum, intrigued, asked him why. And he said it was to support those left behind :yellow_heart:.

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