This is my first post since Ynez passed away on the 22/2/17. I have found this site a great comfort as it is clear that so many of us our facing this awful journey without their spouse / partner. I met Ynez in 2014 and after a very short time together we got engaged and were married on the 22/10/16. Just three days after the wedding Ynez started getting back pains. After several visits to the doctor she was diagnosed with cancer on 16th December. By January 9th this year she had been moved to a hospice and on the 22nd February she sadly passed away. We had only been married for 4 months. She was only 45 and I had only just turned 50. The loss is heartbreaking as whilst we had only been together for just over 3 years I can truly say I had my found my soulmate. I miss her terribly and it is only in the last few days that the numbness has subsided and this has been replaced with such extreme feelings of loss. Tears are coming more often and in longer bursts. Whilst I am trying to be strong as advised by so many well meaning friends and family I don’t think some realise that how difficult it is to be strong when your world has collapsed and the future looks unappealing in every way. I know that in time my loss will become easier to cope with but right now I just cannot see a time when I will experience happiness again. This post was as much aimed at introducing myself and to connect with community as it was to assist in getting my feelings out and thus try to ease the pain I am feeling right now as I write this.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your Ynez. Forget about being strong for now, you will be stronger but as you say now is for sharing your feelings. When we feel worse happens at different times for different people and it is an inescapable fact for many that the more you have loved, and been loved, the more it hurts.
After Helen, my wife, died 6 months ago I have no shame in admitting that very often I was on my knees in tears. That I am not so now does not mean that I love or miss her any the less. I have been lucky that nobody told me to be strong and at the time I couldn’t be anyway. It is very often a way friends and family have of trying to protect their own feelings, and in many ways I don’t blame them, but if they are true friends and family they will be sticking by you anyway. It is what you and Ynez packed into those 3 years that matters not what anyone thinks now.
Some people find counselling a help, for example, Cruse. And your GP should be able to give advice if you need it. Take care of yourself, best wishes.
Alan
Hi MarkyB.i’m so sorry for your loss.being strong is just something that people say.usually people who haven’t gone through what we have.the worst is when they ask “how are you!” I agree that it’s seems the more we loved,the more this is going to hurt. I sat holding the love of my life’s hand in January and have cried for 70 days.i kiss his photos and talk to him a lot. Just be as you have to be.look out company when you want it and be alone with your thoughts when you need to be. It must have been so overwhelming the timeframe in which all this happened to you both. My darling had an 11year battle and we knew the end was coming but it did not prepare me for this feeling of desolation. Keep on chatting here if it helps you at all.i feel it helps me when I think that one of us was going to go before the other and my darling has been spared feeling the way I’m feeling now.take your time.
MarkyB,
I am so sorry to read of the loss of your Ynez. Your love for her shines through your post, you were so lucky to find each other and have a wonderful relationship however short it was.
Take each day as it comes, being strong is a joke and something only those who have not experienced this can say. Cry if you need to, do whatever you need to do to get through each day however horrible it is. Little treats once a week worked and still work for me. Something to look forward to however small, walk in the countryside, going to the cinema, coffee in a posh coffee shop. Chocolate and alcohol in very small doses though! You will know what will work for you.
Use this forum and the friends you will make on it. We all have experienced loss of someone so understand.
Mel
Xx
Hi MarkyB im very sorry for your loss Take it day by day at this stage only deal with legal things the rest do it at your own pace .theres no such thing as a right or wrong way to grieve and it takes as long as it takes .Your world has collasped into a nightmare so just look after yourself dont think you have to be strong .This special club is open 247 365 it never closes Dont be afraid to post on here theres no such thing a silly question and no one tells you to man up or go away I and others dont mind private messages you might find that helps as well .You need sleep to rest your brain to return to your nightmare (my gp gave me sleeping tablets short term ).If you laugh dont feel quilty calso if you cry dont feel guilty .Theres also the samaritains (i phone them )take care Colin (im57 my wife was 41 she died 04032016 on her birthday