Life after loss

9 months in and the pain is still raw some days not to mention the daily sob.
I sit and think how my life is now and I say out loud to him this isn’t how I expected my life to be at such an early age .
I sit and think over what we have done and always have a smile to myself . I feel very privileged that he chose me to be his wife and was a doting wife of 33 years . Is it wrong of me to be thinking will I meet someone will I now spend the rest of my days alone is this what life is for me now how selfish are these thoughts.
I know the socialising restrictions have played a big part in people meeting but they are easing now which in a funny kind of way isn’t easing the pain in fact it intensifies it.
All these people that said I will be there for you where are they not even a text message .


I lost my Dad 18 years ago

2 months before my wife’s passed she miraculously recovered from sepsis(7 days in intensive care); afterwards she had told me if anything happened to her I should meet another woman. She knew me well after 32 years together and she understood I couldn’t do without her. I said how can I start again at this age(49) as we were childhood sweetheart we were so innocent when we met. With all these years in society I have little trust for people in general. Of course we all know the hollowness without our soulmates is so unbearable and there’s no right or wrong on this matter…
I don’t have too much expectation for human nature: people have their own stuff to worry about; ours are just something tedious. This grief is our own ‘crosses’ and we have to bear them ourselves.

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Dear Kazzer

I am at the same point on this terrible journey. Like you I sit and cry every day and find myself shouting at my husband asking him why he had to pursue the motorbike and now leave me with all our plans in tatters. Married just short of 39 years and together 42 we only planned our adventures still to enjoy and now they have gone. I can only see myself alone for however many years I have left on this earth but it is not wrong to want closeness and the security that it brings.

As for those who said at the beginning “just let me know if you need anything or give me a call if I can help”. Well I have called, texted and received - for the most part - little or no response. No returned calls or just texts saying they are busy so instead Samaritans has become my port of call when it gets really bad. My GP also gave me the telephone number for our local Crisis team. Twelve months ago I had everything to look forward to, now my grief is only interrupted by visits to see our grandsons before returning to an empty, cold and silent house.

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I see what you mean.