Here i am once again, sat here alone, tv on, looking over at her empty chair where she sat watching her favourite programs, a tea candle lit on her side table, which, ive done every night since her passing nearly a year and a half ago.
Forty six years of a happy married life, with three children and five grandchildren. She was a active happy soul, fit, and loved life, until a few years ago, finding a cyst on the back of the knee, which was the start of severe Arthritis, leading to replacement hips and knees, if that wasnt enough to contend with, after her last operation, she contracted MND, a most horrific disease, where she lost her voice, was unable to swallow, so couldnt eat, and had a tube fitted to her stomach. Loosing all ability to move, had to be hoisted to and fro. It lasted exactly a year before eventualy her lungs gave up, and she passed silently away…in that chair.
Its been, and still is a hard journey without her, and will always be. Yes, it gets a bit easier to exist, but thats all it is…existing. Ive learnt, or have had to, go out for walks and drives, which i didnt do last year. I pretend im just one of the tourists, bag on my back, camera around my neck. It is good to get out, but i walk around with this hollow gut wrenching feeling, passing places full of memories of when we were together, the little shops, cafes, pubs, and seating places, while around me, couples are walking hand in hand laughing and chatting, as we once did. You get home, sit down and congratulate yourself for getting out, but then again, it quickly dawns on you, how it should have been, and once again you feel sad and sorry for yourself.
Then theres the music, which she loved, and when heard on the radio ect become more poignant .
Yes, it gets a bit easier, but life will never be the same again.
Ive learnt, the saying, “Never put off until tomorrow, what you can do today” is true.
You never know whats waiting around the corner.
John.