I’ve posted about this before & my fear of post lockdown, returning to so called normal. My husband passed away just before Christmas 2019 & then we had lockdown. For me a great excuse to hide away. Now the country has returned to the so called normal but for me that will never happen. I’ve tried to get back to doing things & I have started to go back to football that we both enjoyed, but each time I go it’s exhausting. I’m trying to create a new normal but I just miss him so much. I’ve had a few days out over the last week & today I’ve just needed to hide away because I really deep down don’t want a new normal. I get people saying you’re doing amazing, you’re so brave but it’s a front & it comes at a cost. They don’t see the person that wakes up thinking here we go again, the person who doesn’t want to get out of bed, the person who cries most days. Tomorrow I’ll put my big girl pants on again & face the world, today I need to hide from it.
My husband died in 2018 and for the first year I filled up my calendar with some sort of distraction every day. I was so tired I just fell into bed at night and crashed out. It was exhausting. Then came Covid. For me it was such a relief. My world had stopped and now everyone else’s had as well. I felt calm and I couldn’t go out so I hunkered down and stayed home. Now things are getting back to the way they were fo most people but I didn’t know what to do with myself. I put on the brave face and, like you, I am told that I am doing well. Like I have some sort of illness and will get better soon. I don’t discuss my feeling with anyone now I just say I am fine. It is easier and you don’t get the cheery remarks or the advice, I have accepted this and now will just carry on until my time comes. I have always loved Alice in wonderland since I was a small child and now I know the meaning of so many of the sayings in that book. Everything is contrarywise. I am like Alice when she asks the Cheshire Cat which road she should take. He says where do you want to go and she says I don’t know. His reply is Well it doesn’t matter then. Sums me up beautifully. Hope you find a new normal that can give you some peace. Take care
I so agree with everything you say. Nowadays I spend many of my afternoons dozing in my armchair, shutting out the world and putting off till tomorrow again activities I should have done yesterday. I have little desire to mix with people, more and more I find I just want to shut myself away and try (unsuccessfully) to live the life I used to have. Each day is like flicking a switch. Press “on” to put the almost human version of my face on each day, then press “off” and retreat to the safety of home, alone with my thoughts. Perhaps some day we will be strong enough to cope, though for me personally I doubt that will ever happen.
The on off button really appealed to me as that is exactly what it is like. Now you see me now you don’t. We become accomplished actors just to stop people falling into silence or being ridiculously positive. I have always had a liking for country and western songs and I play John Denver ‘some days are diamonds’ which upsets me but I find really resonates. He says ‘ the face that I see in the mirror more and more is a stranger to me. That is how it feels for me. I don’t want a so called new life what I want is my old one back. That can never happen so I try, like all of us here, to get along the best I can. I never thought I could be in so much pain and still be alive but that is what it is. I would like to join my husband as.soon as possible but that happy day is not mine to control. I can only hope it is not too long in coming. Sounds morbid I know but this is me now take it or leave it. I can at least be honest with myself. I understand how you feel but I have no answers just empathy. Take care