19 weeks ago my youngest son died. He was just 36 years old.
He had plans and dreams for his future but has ben denied these. It hurts so much to know he will never realise his dreams, plans or ambitions.
The guilt I feel about not being allowed to be with him whilst he was in hospital is unbearable. He needed people who loved him, people he knew and trusted and he was not allowed to have this. I feel I let him down at a time when he needed me more than ever. As a Mum, who has always loved unconditionally, I am really struggling with this.
Beth don’t blame yourself it’s not your fault you was not allowed to b with your son he knew you loved him and would have been there if you could. I to have a similar story my husband died in hospital in August I to wasn’t allowed to visit him until the day he died but I don’t know if he knew I was there I hope he did but I will never know. It breaks my heart to be without him as it is for you without your son. All we can do is remember the good times and take each day as it comes . Hope you find strength in the future and don’t beat yourself up.
Beth123, I feel for you, I also could not see my son in hospital until the machine was turned off and his life ended. It’s an inhuman and barbaric situation we are in. The feeling of helplessness when he was taken into hospital and we were kept in a waiting room unable to even go near intensive care to see him . Then only being allowed to phone the nurses to find out how he was doing each day , it makes me shake just thinking about it. Loosing our child in any circumstances is horrendous but this Covid situation just adds more layers onto the distress. Maybe it’s necessary but it seems like all human rights and dignity is brushed aside and it’s incredibly cruel. Yes the guilt is there, it’s our child that we want to love and protect especially at such a critical time, as if we had any choice in the matter. I hope we can learn to resolve these feelings some how.
We did our best . Sending love jss x
I am sorry for your loss, the feelings of helplessness and the lack of dignity you felt your son was subjected to. Yes it does seem inhumane and one starts to feel that Covid is an excuse for poor care rather than a reason.
At times such as this, somehow, our best just does not seem good enough. I understand the feelings of being left out of what was happening when trying to find information over the phone. It seems to almost be forgotten by the hospital staff, that they are dealing with a precious life, someone who means the world to another human being and not just another patient taking up a bed.
Thank you again.
I pray you soon find peace and acceptance for your loss.
Beth, my heart goes out to you. My youngest son died 11 weeks ago. He was 40. No age at all.
Like you I was unable to be with him, although I have to say the staff in the Intensive Care Unit were wonderful. They would always spend time talking to me and would put the phone to my son’s ear so I could talk to him. I will ever know if he could hear me as he was deeply sedated, but I hope that he was able to hear how much I love him.
I sometimes feel as though I’m living in someone else’s life, that it’s not real and then it hits me. He is gone, I will never hear his voice, see his smile or have one of his bear hugs again. It hurts so much, my heart is broken. No parent should have to bury their child. But I know I have to go on, my son wouldn’t want me to give up. He will live on in my heart and with his memories for ever.