My partner of 30 years died in January and I am struggling to cope.She was a strong lady,even though she was only a wee lass of 4ft 10ins she was such a fighter who clung on to life for her last 2 years,but I saw the gradual change in her over the last few months and in the end,even she couldn’t figjt the infection that took her. But since her passing,it has been so hard for me to cope emotionally since her funeral and although I have lost my parents and my brother on recent years,nothing has hit me as hard as the loss of my beloved Kathy. I’m at a loss as to how to cope with the emptiness Im now feeling.
Dear Chris, I am so sorry to read that you have lost your beloved Kathy, just a few weeks ago. Being with the person you have loved the most and for so long, on their journey to end of life is so very, very hard. Sometimes you are thinking that because you know what’s going to happen, you can try to prepare yourself…but it just doesn’t work like that does it. Yes the emotions and memories are so overwhelming, there’s little chance to fit anything else in, so it becomes impossible to deal with day to day life. Most of us find that dealing with the present, minutes, hours and day is enough, for now. There will always be someone here to listen and offer advice, kind respects, x
Thank you for your kind words Rainbow, Kathy was always a strong woman who never let her illness define her life. She was the kind of woman who always had a smile that could light up a room,even when she was poorly she tried her hardest to not let it get her down. Christmas was a magical time of year for her because it was all about family,and she adored her grandchildren. But 2017 was a bad year,she caught a bug that most of us would shrug off but bacause she had COPD,it rapidly turned into pneumonia and she spent 5 weeks in Intensive Care and we thought we were going to lose her,but like the little fighter she was,she surprised the Doctors who had written her off. 2018 she seemed to be pulling round,but from July onwards her health got steadily worse and she had to have home Oxygen. From then until January,she deteriorated and was in and out of hospital, but I think she sensed the end was near and she made her decision to die at home. My heart was breaking but I couldn’t, wouldn’t show it so I made her last weeks as loving and memorable as possible. Sadly on the 25 January she slipped into unconciousness and was rushed into Hospital, but as hard as they tried,they could not get her CO2 levels down…all they could do was make her comfortable until the end came,which it did at 7.12pm when she died in my arms. But I thank God that she saw my face and heard me tell her that I loved her,and I think she was comforted by that.
The next few hours I just sat holding her hand and stroking her face until they took her away. I’m thankful that there was no post mortem,even in death she was beautiful and it’s only now after her funeral that the magnitude of her loss is hitting me. It’s truecwhat they say about your Soulmate…once they are gone,you feel like your heart has been ripped in two .
Me again Chris, such a heartbreakingly sad account…so many of us will be able to relate to your feelings…then and now. I was told many times that my husband would still be listening to me right up until he took his last breath…how would he dare not to after a lifetime of being right by my side!! We met when I was 16 and he died when I was 58…I wanted forever and a day though…I like to think he walks by my side…still x
I can still smell her scent and hear her voice,it’s just getting used to not seeing her…
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Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My wife died on 2nd July she was only 51 and had only 3 weeks from diagnosis till she died of cancer. I have no idea how I’m still here and the pain and sadness is overwhelming. I can’t tell you it’s gets easier with time it doesn’t you just get better at it. My way of coping is to take one day at a time at the beginning it was one hour at a time. Try not to think into the future. Get as much support as you can from family and friends and keep talking on here as you can say anything and no one judges and someone will always reply with help or just empathy. I’m sorry you are in this club that none of us want to be in.
Take care
William
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Hi Chris, I’m so sorry you live with this heartbreak too. Probably more exist than live!
I can’t offer you anything either right now, just my genuine sympathy and my ears to listen.
The pain is on another level than anything I’ve ever experienced before. As is everyone else’s pain I’ve no doubt.
I too don’t deal with it in any shape or form but this forum will, if nothing else, help you to realise we are not alone.
Take care x
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I’m so sorry for your loss x you are not alone x
My husband was only 50. I thought after losing my parents at a very early age that I knew all that there was to know about grief.
This is totally different, a million times worse. I never realised it was possible to feel such pain. I miss him so much.
I’m lucky in that I have a brilliant family, lots and lots of lovely friends that are there but because of my age I lack people that truly understand.
I’m still trying to find my feet. Trying to find a way to cope. It’s exhausting, totally exhausting. I’m still struggling, still numb, still in denial,I’ve blocked everything out and can’t ever imagine a future without him.
I don’t have any answers. How you’re feeling I can relate to, so it is probably normal for what we are going through.
Do whatever you need to do to get you through each morning, afternoon and evening. Do what feels right for you, no one else.
I promised my husband that I’d be okay (feels like the biggest lie ever) Our beautiful children, have already lost their dad … they can’t lose a mum too. It is for my husband and children that I have to keep trying x you too will do this for your wife and your children x
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It has been the longest six weeks of my life since my partner died.
I have sobbed, screamed, been angry and have never experienced anything like this, everything in fact that we all seem to go through on this site.
A dear friend told me that people ask her how she is, as though she should be getting better by now after a couple of years, and without thinking she always said she was fine.
Now she tells them she is as well as could be expected.
She will never be fine but will not bore them with her sorrow.
Neither will she hide the fact that she will always be grieving for her wonderful husband.
I think that is how I too shall respond to any enquiry, I am as well as can be expected, thank you!
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I think it gets to the point when people,especially people who have not lost their partner,start thinking Isn’t it time they moved on? And you don’t want to tell people how you feel because it feels like you’re boring them. The best thing about sites like this, is that the people you are pouring your heart out to,are going through EXACTLY what you are,they get it and they support you in ways most others won’t. They can’t/won’t understand and then they get offended when you are withdrawn and you don’t have the enthusiasm for life you had pre bereavement.
Thank you,it really is appreciated.
I agree with every word you write. I find this from people already and it’s just 2 weeks since I lost my beautiful husband. I’ve asked myself if I’ve been guilty of that behaviour in the past. I’m ‘pretty sure’ I haven’t. I’m ‘definitely sure’ I haven’t so soon after the event! Take care Chris x
Dear Chris, I certainly feel for you. It is unimaginable to those who haven’t experienced the devastation of losing ones soulmate. I’m soldiering on after losing mine on the 6th of October to Leukaemia. He was 48. Every day is a new trial but you just have to try to keep going. I have had better days and worse days and hope for good days in the future but it is early for us both. The hardest is the scary prospect of life in the future without those who you loved more than anything else. I wish you well but there are no answers to tell. X
Hi cw13
It’s 11 months since my husband passed and as time has moved along,i understand that people we come across,will never understand the despair this causes until sadly it happens to them.They couldn’t possibly guess how strange and life changing grief can be.Everyone only experiences the truth of it when living it.
Yes this site is a great help,to get your feelings ,sadness written down.Also as the months pass,you find along the way,how your grief journey is moving,i found looking back at some of my posts i had written,that my mood had lifted at times.
It’s certainly hard going for all of us,but we can help each other through.
Best never to take much notice of other people’s expectations of your grief,how they think you should be,as it’s just that your’s.If i meet someone who doesn’t understand ,i listen and politely smile.
Take care xx
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It’s not answers I’m seeking Belladoo, I knew for months that my beautiful Kathy was destined to die,I guess I’m seeking acceptance and understanding but until I discovered the kindred souls on here,I couldn’t expect it from other people who haven’t suffered the loss we have
It’s bad enough losing your parent or a sibling,but losing your Soulmate is a completely different level of hurt that only people who have gone through it themselves can comprehend. We expect to outlive our parents,but we never imagine surviving our Love.
Hi Chris, so sorry for your loss and your so right about it being a completely different level, I too knew I was going to lose Brian and thought I could cope, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be like this, only people that are experiencing this terrible pain know the true meaning of raw grief. I must admit I have not understood in the past, I have been guilty of selfishness and not offering the support that some family members or friends have needed. A friend lost her husband and I couldn’t understand why she was still crying openly a full month later. How guilty I feel now as I am still crying and I’m on week 14. Each day becomes a challenge for me. Today I thought I was doing good. Long walk with the dogs, bumping into people that I had a chat with. Sat looking at the river, it was beautiful with the sun shining on it and blue sky. Dogs racing around playing and making me laugh. Too nice to go home so I called in at my allotment, not intending to do much today however I decided to mow the grass and realised I didn’t know how to start the mower, then the strimmer ran out of wire and I had never put new wire on the reel and didn’t know where he even kept the wire. It all got too much. I sat on the grass and cried like a baby. Which is silly because any of the men will help me if I ask.Tonight I’m sorting through seeds to prepare for sowing starting tomorrow and guess what, I’m crying my heart out again because we did this together and I don’t feel I can cope alone, I always cope, so why not now. I’m panicking. We have to get through each day as best we can. Think I’ll go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. God bless and let’s hope for strength tomorrow.
It’s the mundane things that catch us unawares and trigger memories of happier times …I still can’t bear to open the washing machine because Kathy’s clothes are in there and I can’t wash away her scent…stupid I know,but things only we can relate to. The days seem longer,the nights even more so and the house is just a house,it doesn’t feel like a home now that my beloved is not here. I suppose in time,I will will adapt but for now it’s still raw. It’s only been 20 days since Kathy died and it still feels like yesterday to me.
Once again I agree with you, Chris. I know it’s our home. My husband loved it. But it is so empty now. Just like me I guess. I’m empty too. I feel him here though. I also know here is where he wants me to be right now. I get the most pain when I’m here without him, I think, but I also get the most peace. How does that work. Contradictory isn’t it. But, true all the same!
It’s 1am. I haven’t been to sleep yet. Can’t find sleep tonight so far. Can’t say I’m bothered about that to be honest. Sleep will come I’ve no doubt.
Like everyone else I struggle to understand this nightmare. I know it’s real and yet, on the other hand, it’s like I’m playing a major role in some performance or other. A bit detached…
I give up trying to understand my feelings. They’re so random, just like my behaviour…!
Cw13 I so agree with you!
This cottage was totally renovated by my partner with such love, he was so proud of it and loved where we lived.
When I sit here all around me are memories of his hard work, thought maybe it was an idea to move and try to rebuild my life in a different place as best as I can.
But while lonely and grieving there is still comfort in seeing evidence of him and his work around me.
I would feel I was abandoning him somehow if I were to leave.
Such a contradiction, comfort and yet grief.
12remember it is a contradiction. Doesn’t make much sense does it but, what does these days. It’s awful. Absolutely awful. I want to swear, but I won’t!
I’m not even considering moving house in the immediate future. Can’t even bear to have that thought in my head. Far too soon anyway, but not something I can imagine happening. I too would probably feel that I was leaving him behind, although I know I never will. He’s in my head, my heart and my soul and nothing I do will ever change that.
We did speak very briefly as his health deteriorated about the possibility of moving, but it would only have been because of necessity for him rather than real choice. He would never have moved without the need to. That’s probably the way it will be for me. If the need arises, rather than through choice. I’ll probably feel, if that happens, that I’ll have his approval, as he would have done it for the same reason!
The stuff I write makes me laugh sometimes. Who is this person who empties their head on a Sue Ryder forum?! Oh my…x