Hi, This is my first post. Finding it difficult alone and missing my husband. The pain is so great
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Hello Christina,
Itās almost a year since I lost my husband. At first the pain and loneliness was so great that I thought I would never survive - it was like a knife in my heart. I also found it very difficult to be alone - we had been together for almost 30 years - and I had cared for him at home, on my own, until a week before he died. This forum has been a lifesaver for me. All of itās members have suffered the loss of someone close, many of them our life partners. Do feel free to chat openly, many of us will have had the same experiences and will comfort and advice at this very difficult time. Your journey through your grief will be an individual one, but with courage and hope life will get easier. Take strength from those of us who are farther along that road, and beginning to see the sunlight again. And keep posting. Love and hugs, Jayne x
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Thankyou, Tulabelle. Do you have any advice on living alone and how to adjust when still in pain grieving
I replied to your post addressing you as Tulabelle. Do you prefer Jayne
Hi Christina,
Just call me Jayne, Tulabelle is my user-name, thatās all. Iāll reply to your other post just as soon as Iāve fed my dogs! x
Well, I can only tell you what worked for me. I was 59 when my husband died. Heād had cancer for 4 years, had chemo and surgery, a year in remission, then the cancer appeared in his lungs and he became terminal. He was determined that I would survive after he was gone, and insisted that i start building my āsingleā life while he was still here. I started going to a couple of book clubs in the next village for couple of hours each month to get to know people. I was also lucky in that I am very close to my nextdoor neighbour and started going out a bit with her. When Stewart became very ill, she would come and sit with him while I went out for a half day each week. After he died I was devastated. We didnāt have any children and I only have my elderly mum, so I had to get on with things. It was very hard - there was lots to sort out, I had taken early retirement some years before, and we did everything together. I carried on with the bookclubs, joined this forum, and had some sessions with a psychotherapist. I also have my dogs, who ensured that i got every morning, looked after them, and got walking in the fresh air. And step by step I started to build a new life. I made new friends, some of who are also widows and who have been very supportive. I joined the Jolly Dollies, and a group of us meet up once a month for a meal. I joined the MeetUp network, and selected some groups that were non-threatening to me in my newly single state, and starting going to their events. I canāt pretend that it was easy, it wasnāt and isnāt. I was lucky in that I have a car and can drive. I suffered terribly for almost a year in the belief that I would lose everything that I care about it - I got through that with help from my therapist. Iām very security conscious. I found that gradually I was moving forward albeit very slowly. I left the radio on when I went out so that I didnāt come back to an empty house. I had some short term medication from my doctor to help me settle in the house and sleep at night. And once Iād got my first Christmas out of the way, and a rather big meltdown in the run up to New Year, I started to feel quite a bit better. I read a lot, and Iāve started a distance learning course. I still my husband a lot, and things creep up and ambush me so that I burst into tears, but less often now. I made some really good, caring and supportive friends who donāt mind if I call or message them when Iām upset or ask them to be with me at short notice when I canāt settle. And I just plod on, taking one day at a time and how it comes. If I want to have a good cry, I cry. If I want to talk to him, I do. I honestly believed that I would never cope, never survive on my own, even though Iām a sensible and well educated woman who held down a very responsible job and could deal with anything when he was alive. I think the secret is to set down your fears and work out what you can do to address them, get yourself a support network, and live for the day. Be mindful of your own safety and security, and find things that you like doing that will occupy your mind and fill your time. Some people will say, get a dog. Well, itās a big and expensive commitment, but you do have companionship and unconditional love. Iāve had dogs all my life. Some widows get a cat. Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself, because itās what you want. Live your life how you want to live it. You may eventually meet someone else, you may not. Be settled and comfortable in your own skin. It will become easier, and youāll emerge a stronger woman for the experience. You will cope and survive. And always remember - whateverās meant to be will not pass you by. Jayne x
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Hi Christina. Living alone is strange isnāt it. We can only learn to cope. I have heard people say that they like living alone and being able to do what they want, when they want. I am trying to adjust. I do have two dogs and yes they are amazing friends. I enjoy walking so having the dogs for company suits me. We have allotments and I have a large area to do. It gives me something to focus on. Hard work but enjoyable. I love being outdoors. I have now found that I have people inviting me to their houses or want to meet up with me but to be honest Iām not ready for socialising out of my comfort zone. I would prefer to adjust to being alone, being comfortable with conversation make sure Iām not finding myself relying on their company and becoming needy then I think I will be ready to go out and about. A friend of mine befriended a lady who had lost her husband this lady started calling my friend and dropping in all the time because she was so lonely and my friend became sick of it. I donāt want that to happen. It is up to you though. Step by step. Donāt rush into anything. Take a look at the library notice board. I have noticed things that might be interesting but as I said Iām personally not ready for socialising with strangers. I actually prefer my own company most of the time, just for the moment anyway. I donāt need people, just my husband and thatās not going to happen. I have to live alone so am trying hard to get used to it.
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Hi Pattidot
You have a good approach to it all,i think it was Yorkshire Lad who mentioned in another post that you work things out well to help you in your grief,i agree i like reading your posts there are positives running through your posts to pick up on.Like you say we can only learn to cope.I find the adjusting to living alone one of the hardest aspect of this ānewā life,as i understand many of us feel that way too.I agree i think to rely on others too much would only make this all the harder,itās finding a balance with learning to be if possible comfortable with your own company,and not staying too solitary where you shut out the world around you.Finding that balance is what i struggle with.I want to reach that point where i am stronger and feel confident in my own skin,think itās a long way off,but something to work on.
Like you i can occupy myself through the day,all be it my husband is in my thoughts constantly too.Thatās it we have to,no choice,i manage to look after the house,iām not afraid of being in the house on my own,strange but the security doesānt bother me,i still donāt lock my doors until after 10,i do have a fear of taking ill on my own,but then thatās out of my hands.As you say Pattidot step by step,we can only gain strength in doing it.I do chatter away to myself a lot,but then so what i always did.Still canāt get past the thought of doing what i want when i want,does;nt appeal to me ,donāt know what i want and iām used to doing things for others and liked it.Got some work to do on that.Hope you have a good walk with your dogs today,iām going out with my dog soon,lots of snow here ,she loves throwing it about with her nose.xx
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Hi Christina
Sorry itās all so hard and the pain is overwhelming.We do all understand how that feels here,and each one of us is finding our own way through.This site has helped me,no doubt about that,the lovely people on here post how they cope,how they feel,one thing it is itās all real,no pretence,and you canāt find that other than with people who are going through grief.Itās often mentioned on here that friends, distant family members,and strangers,say the wrong thing,but they cannot understand how this would feel until you experience it.So on here you know you are not alone.My husband passed 11 months ago,the pain doesnāt leave,it gets more manageable thatās all.Donāt expect to feel a certain way as anything goes,the emotion just comes whenever,wherever,and there is no right or wrong way to feel,thereās also no right or wrong way to cope,itās all personal,but here you will read something from a post that could help,or you may be feeling the same way as someone.Itās all far from easy,but hope you find something from this site to ease your grief Take care xx
Hi Sheila I so agree with all you have said. You really write from the heart and everything you have said I can relate too. My lovely Ron and I were very happily married for nearly 51 years and he passed just over two years ago and I will always feel the same as you always. We always said that when one of us passed we would still be married and I love him so very much. The only difference with us Sheila that we had two daughters and I see them often with our grandchildren that have grown up now, I am even going on holiday with them I have friends in a bereavement group and they are wonderful because we know how we all feel. I can really recommend joining in a group like that. This forum has helped as it has you Sheila and everyone else. Sending you love and hugs. xx Carol. xxx
Hi Sheila just to let you know I have sent you a PM hope you don"t mind. xxxx
Hi. All these posts and comments have been very helpful to.
5 months since I lost my partner. I feel so lonely.
I have 4 children and some grandchildren and they have been so supportive. But still I feel lonely. X
Hi all
How do you live in the house alone after your husband / wife has died. I can only just about put up with the house in the day but at night I sleep at my daughters or my other daughter stays at my house.
I am terrified of lonely evenings and the nights
How do people do this ?
Lynn
Dear Lynn
My partner left me on 03/02 for three weeks I slept on the sofa but I am in our bed now.
I cry continuously as like you I can not see how I will ever live without him yet the days do keep passing by.
I am waiting for a day when I wake and itās not hurting me so much.
I think we just have to get through each day as best we can and not think to far ahead,
Virtual hugs
Julie 
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Hi Sheila
I am saddened by your post I read about your grandson and you said your husband would have loved him. That started me off. My daughter had one granddaughter who my dad did not meet. He knew she was pregnant before he passed, he left her a set of vintage videos about the little girl Shirley Temple
All these things we remember, we just donāt know which ones will strike a chord in us
I donāt know why this was so relevant
Itās my husband who recently passed and my emotions are hay wire at times.
I am not the type to join a bereavement group either but I can say itās been helpful.
In many ways I think we are alike
However, I am sorry for your loss
This has to and will get a lil easier to bare and live with in time.
Reality is a hard pill to swallow.
Blessings
Gary54
Hi Lynn,
I lost my husband 18 months ago and I absolutely hated the house without him. I couldnāt sleep and was terrified in the house all the time. I am finding I am changing ever so slightly in that I manage to sleep (not very well) in the house on my own now. That said, I absolutely hate being in the house on my own but I have 2 dogs who sleep on my bed. At least their breathing is nice to hear. Give yourself time and you will see tiny changes to how you feel but I must admit I still miss Derek every second of every day. Grief is the painful price we pay for love but itās very cruel. Be kind to yourself 
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