Living in a nightmare

Since my 23 year old son was murdered on the 28th January I’ve been living in a nightmare I’m never going to wake up from. Now it’s coming close too the court case and I really don’t know how I’m going to cope. It’s been a struggle getting through these months already with loss of weight, hair falling out, flashbacks and nightmares plus many more emotions I could mention. How am I going to get through a court case where they are going to portray my boy to be something he’s not. Even though I know it’s lies and I know his character. Has anyone else been through this that can offer me some advice.

Many thanks


Hello Vickymt32

What a devastating loss for you. I’ve never been through such a terrible thing and all I can do is wish you the strength to carry on and get through the court case.
Keep a picture of your lovely son close to you and try to find somebody to be with you and support you through the days ahead.

Take care J x

Hi J

I have people around me all the time and a partner who has been with me every step of the way since we got the phone call to me collapsing at the scene and through all the traumatising times i had ahead of me. I have pictures of my boy everywhere. I feel guilty for not being there to protect him. I have flashbacks and nightmares. I’m doing my own head in drowning in thoughts if he knew he was dying after he got stabbed in the neck. What was he thinking when he did that short walk before collapsing in one of my friends arms. It’s all doing my head in.

Thanks for your reply



U asked about his last thoughts those we’ll never know, but what we do know are the laughter and the love we shared with our boys. Remember them, remember the sound of his voice the sound of his laughter. This stuff hurts and helps in equal amounts. I look on other posts of people who lost their babies with less years than us with them and my heart goes out to them u had 23 years I had 24 with our sons this not even death can take away. Your son died on my sons birthday maybe they’re up in the next stage causing havoc together. Watching us. I lost Tyler on the 13th of March this year, everyday is a struggle some more so.
I wish I had a solution for u ref court case but know whatever’s said makes no difference to what you know about ur son the love u and he shared. The words u hear maybe cruel but they’re just that words a string of individual letters that will never alter what u know of ur son. Some of the statements are gonna be made by strangers to u and ur son so what do they know. Hold on to the good stuff people say and f…k the rest ( sorry couldn’t think of a better way to put it.
Sending u strength and resilience for the next part of this really shitty journey we travel.



Dear Vicky,
I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. I have never experienced what you have but my daughter took her own life on February 1st after being in an an abusive relationship. It is so devastating for us and for your family. There are no words.
You knew your boy better than anyone and maybe you could write about him, all his lovely characteristics and achievements. This could even become part of a statement for the court?
I am glad you have a loving family around you, know that you are in my thoughts and keep posting if you can. This site has been a life saver for me.
Lots of love xxx

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Vicky,i definately do understand ,unlike like others who may have said to you " i know how you feel". they dont unless they v been through the same as we have. My girl was 19,she didnt come home.5 +half weeks
later police divers found her naked in a ditch. After 11 years my dreams/nightmares still go on,what were her last moments,did she suffer
too long,was she tortured.Its making me ill ,these tortured thoughts.Not
to mention tv dramas/documentaries etc regularly shown on tv with different
narrators,titles etc.All made +shown against my wishes.I have to live because of my son/partner/sisters.[edited by admin].I would advise you NOT to go to court.I never did,but my sis insisted on going on my behalf.
whats the point of putting yourself through agony listening to the details?
you l hear about them afterwards anyway,+the perpetrators dont care
what happens to them.They v still got their lives,even if they r in prison.
its your decision. best wishes. x