Living without mum

I’m 28, mother to two (should be 3 but my first was stillborn 21/3/12) . I grew up with and abusive dad, he is an alcoholic, this meant myself and my mum became much closer than many I guess. We stood up for eachother etc. I moved out at 19 and shortly after my parents split, mum was the happiest I had seen her for a while. When I had my kids she doted on them, lucky grandma had one of each to spoil. My dad, well… He doesn’t really do much… Myself and mum were best friends, we would share everything and I mean everything with eachother. But November 19th 2018, she had a heart attack, her partner was there (thankfully?) Else she would have been alone. It was a normal day we were talking about my son’s nativity etc… Then at 11pm she had passed away, I was woken by police bashing at my door at 3am the next morning, my heart tore, and then my screams woke my kids (5+3) at the time. I didnt tell them till after school, I need the time to go round mums and validate in my head what had happened. Telling my kids finished me, my son (eldest) took it the hardest, when things finally clicked for him.

Thing is, people say I’m doing well… But I honestly don’t feel it, my dad isolated me from the rest of the family, made me out to be a badden. I inherited everything from mum, dad started slagging her off saying she got him into so much debt etc, it sounded like he wanted me to give him money? Obviously k didn’t, he then started saying we should buy a house together and share it (like I’d want to do that?) . I’m no fool, I knew he was trying to manipulate me. But when things didn’t go his way, he started lying and twisting things to my grandparents, and in turn, they now see me as the selfish manipulative liar… Not their golden boy… Despite everything dad out is through, he was the first person I rung when mum died, yet I received nothing, no messages, no phonecall on her anniversary.

She was only 58, her birthday was the 14th November…

Sorry for the huge text

Hi natty,
I’m sorry to see that you have lost your mum and your first baby before that. It must be very hard for you. She was also very young at 58 and it’s really quite scary. How did yesterday go? And your mums birthday?
It’s my mums birthday this coming Sunday and I am dreading it. We always go out for a nice pub lunch together and ive just got to get through the day without her.
I think you have to accept that your dad has made his choices. You have 2 beautiful children and this is his loss. I’m not sure how I would have got the sudden death of my mum 5 months ago without my 12 year old daughter to look after and love.

I am regularly on the forum chatting to several others who have lost their mums suddenly. This site has been a great comfort to us all so please continue to write if you want to.
Cheryl x

1 Like

Oh my goodness what a heartbreaking time. I’m seething at your dad. But it’s his loss and more fool those who choose to believe him. Focus on your lovely family and the wonderful memories of your mum. He really is not important in all of this. Let him stay with his parents who are unable to face what their son has actually become. Easier to believe you are the bad one. Rather than they failed in their parenting with their son

1 Like

Thank you for replying.

My kids do keep me going, quite often though I feel like, more know that, I’m surpressing myself from grieving properly, which is affecting my mood. It’s just too painful to accept and much easier to pretend she is on holiday or something? But when reality hits, it hits hard…

Sorry to hear about your losses xx

Hi Natty. They say relationships are the most difficult things to live through. Not the very personal ones we all had on here, but friends and relatives. We can choose our friends but, unfortunately, not our relatives. The fact is they don’t know how to respond and often lash out to those around them.
You sound a very sensible lady, and I don’t doubt you will weather the storm. It’s a year since my wife died and it’s still painful. There is hope and I feel it, and the light does get brighter. It’s very difficult coping with a disruptive family. So many have come on here with the same problem. The fact that he seems to have cut himself off from you may be a blessing in disguise. The last thing you want is a lot of unecessary hassle. But he is your dad and it’s not easy is it?
You may have already found some comfort on this site. I do hope so because that’s what it’s about. Take care. We are always here if you want to talk.

1 Like

Hi Natty. Can’t believe how similar our lives have been. My mum died a few weeks ago in September same age as your mum 58. I was just saying on another post her funeral was same date I found out my baby had died stillbirth full term 9 years earlier . My mum was first person I asked for when I found out. So sorry your dad is so horrible at a time when you need his love and support aswell. My dad isn’t like yours but I can’t just nip and see him as I had to move away few years ago because my ex was so violent. Gets lonely sometimes. I’m so glad you’re not letting him manipulate you like he is every one else and you can see through it all. You’re a strong person x

1 Like

Hi Natty,
Goodness me you have been having a tough time. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss and ongoing family issues.
My mum split from my manipulative stepdad when I was 21 and that was the best decision ever. She was the free to live the life she wanted. I ended up living with her for many years after that, and most of the time it was just the two of us so we had a very close relationship. My stepdad I pretty much never saw again and I was happy with that. I lost my mum 12 weeks ago suddenly while she was on holiday with my family. Went from the best time of my life on holiday to the worst time ever. Even now I struggle believing what’s happened and the current reality.
You deserve better than you’ve had to put up with. Life just isn’t fair a lot of the time. I have manipulators in my family and I just don’t have time for them, nor do I need them. They even have tried in the past to tell lies and manipulate other members of the family. People can take sides if they wish, I don’t have time or the energy for those types. Typical narcissist behaviour from what I can tell. I hope in your case that time will out the truth and you can live your life in peace as you deserve,
My mums birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I’m not looking forward to it.
Anyway, you are among friends here and a lot of good people here will support you. That’s what I’ve found anyway.

1 Like
Back to top