Hello everyone, after searching the internet looking for coping with grief strategies i stumbled across this site and thought i would join up - anything is worth a try, right?
13 year ago i watched my Mam pass away from Breast Cancer, she was just 49 and i was 21. it was the hardest thing in the world to watch and i think it put a hole in my heart that will never heal. i struggled to cope but i learnt how to live with it. I have never needed her more than i do right now.
Then 5 weeks today i my Dad passed away from Liver Cancer, he was 70. He lived alone and wanted to be at home to die. I tried my best to juggle work, children, life and caring for him. I went to see him every day, took him to his appointments (before he was to ill). On the day he passed away i was at work then had my youngest Son’s first sports day, I then went to see him, he did seem slightly worse than he had been, i did however ask the District Nurse if she could give us some idea of timescales, she said it was a hard thing to do but would try. So i left after my visit. I then received a phone call from the carers that were going in to say he was vomiting and could i go and sit with him until the Nurses came back. Of course i went straight over. Only that day the Social worker had arranged for a carer to stay overnight with him (first time) so i left around 10 pm when she arrived. i then got a phone call at 11.38 pm from the carer to say i needed to go back. i jumped in the car and drove the 20 minutes to his. I of course was to late. Even the carer was in the kitchen making herself a cup of Tea so he died all alone. I knew deep down when i left at 10 pm that i shouldn’t be leaving, so why did i!!! it is the biggest regret of my life and it is eating me up inside. I let him down in the final stages when he needed me.
I also must say that they both suffered terribly at the hands of Cancer, we don’t let animals suffer the way we let some humans and it makes me so angry. I will never get the images out of my head, ever.
I know that i will get through this, as i have done once before but the feeling of loss is hard to cope with sometimes.
I never thought that at 34 i would not have either a Mam or Dad around to speak to, to rely on or to watch my children grow up. I am of course thankful that i had them at all because there are people that are so much younger without parents.
I miss them both so so much.
Thanks for listening.