Lockdown lift opened the lid on my grief

Losing a partner
#1

I work in a school my soulmate and my everything died 5 weeks ago and I have been surrounded by my family parents and sister 24/7 since he passed away today’s announcement means I’m back to the classroom full time from the 8/3/2021. Truthfully his death as only just sinking in. I have held it in and not cried or fell apart until today. I went for a walk on my own today first solo outing and I just panicked and cried just to houses into my walk. I wanted to phone him ask about his day. Just struck me he’s not there I feel worse then when I found out he had died. ( Unknown cause of death and unexpected. )

I’m having bad panic attacks and feeling of emptiness, is 5 weeks in lockdown long enough to greive? Can I go to work have a panic attack and then get signed off sick. I’m also recovering from covid. If I’m with my parents and sister I’m safe and sometimes I manage a smile. On my own in class all day I can’t just have a panic attack. How did people go back to work? What job did you do?

#2

Time is individual . I work as a lecturer in a college and I haven’t been able to go back to work yet ( I lost my husband on Chirstmas Eve 2020). I have moments when I think I can conquer the world but these don’t last long and I am back on my knees in floods of tears. I know I am not ready just yet to go back to work, I dont think I would be able to handle the stress of my job without my husband at home at the end of the day to talk to.

Take care K xx

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#3

I lost my husband almost 4 weeks ago and off work at the moment on bereavement leave. I’m dreading going back as I feel I’m in a bubble at the moment, far from reality . I think once my life gets back to normal I will miss him even more. No one to come home to with my tea waiting on the table. Talk about our day and enjoy watching tv and doing nothing together. I can see me having to get a doctors note and as feel nothing like ready to go back to a full time job of 12 hour days .

#4

I am anxious about leaving the safety of my home I’m panicking about lossing my parents or sister as they are all my world now. My guy sorted my anxiety attacks he knew how to calm me. He was my safety net my future we called ourselves team SasBob. Together we was unbreakable I’d call him on my way home from work to vent about my day. I was then calm by the time I got home. We was looking at starting a family this year. 2021 was going to be our year, buy a house have a baby.instead 2 weeks in he died.

#5

Wendy that’s my issue I thought I had done well and not yet had my melt down taking things calm and factual when talking about his death with little emotion I paid the funeral bill last Wednesday and brought home his ashes still very little tears, schools reopening and bam that’s were my anxiety panic and raw sorrow was hiding. But I went back to work today so can hardly now phone in sick after one day working from home. I’m sorry Wendy to here your sad news my thoughts are with you. I hope you have support around. Going back to work is super hard as it feels like going back to normal butvit will never be normal gain.

#6

@SasBob so sorry, it is so difficult. Listening to you and the things y9u say, it sounds like you are not ready … I went back after 8 weeks, it was right for me. I too work on school x I wpukd advise.you speak to your Go x Stop being hard on yourself x take the time.you need x.maybe a phased return would be better for you x i hope you have lots of.options x

#7

Hello
My husband passed December the 5th
And I work as a housekeeper student accommodation
So I went back jan the 5th
Wow what a mistake that was went for 4 days 4 day
Nearly had a breakdown was on my knees sobbing on the drive
I am on the sick now and won’t be going back yet
Not ready for anything
Please take your time don’t rush going back I did and big mistake xx

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#8

I picked up my husbands ashes today and my step daughter took me and dropped me home. I was fine for a couple of hours and then it just hit me. I looked at the cylinder containing his ashes and can’t believe it is all that remains of him. To think a month ago he was sat on the settee next to me laughing and joking . I just cried for hours . It is quite unbearable when you give it to much thought, them never coming back.

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#9

Thanks for your support and kind words. I’m glad going back to work was possitive for you. Yes possible faise return but as schools are back full time management want The staff back. How do I do a faise return? Do I need a fit for work notice? I’ve never done this and I’m worried I will never be ready to go back

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#10

Dear Wendy

I did exactly the same. It serves only as another reminder that this is not a bad dream from which we will awaken and find ourselves lying next to our loved ones. I sometimes find myself pacing the bungalow crying and telling myself this is not the life I choose. Life is so cruel and I am not sure how to get through it. The only good thing I can take from the easing of lockdown is that I can reconcile with my daughter in July in a holiday cottage I have booked and from which we will go to the Northumberland coastline, scatter his ashes and hope we can continue somehow without him.

#11

Hi,

SasBob,

So Sorry for your loss,it is very early days for you. I would just gather as much support around you as possible,i am sure the staff at your school will also be very supportive. I have lost both my parents since 2017 and 2019,4 years for my Mum,and still feel so down each day. Thoughts are with you,Lucy,xxx

#12

Dear SasBob

Most employers have arrangements to allow staff to have a phased return to work. This may involve part-time working arrangements over an agreed period, building up to a full-time return. Please speak with your employer I am sure they would want to support you. Until my husband died I had never had any sick leave so not that knowledgeable about fit-notes but sure your GP could also help and may be able to use the note to indicate a phased return in the first instance.

Take care
Sheila xxx

#13

Sasbob hi I’m almost 6 months into this awful journey. I took a month off work to start making arrangements and sorting the bulk of things out. This kept me busy I’m a person that if something needs doing get on with it and I have to say being at my dinning table for two weeks going through things did help in the early days. Then I could start grieving . 5 weeks is very early days for you and there’s not time scale on the length of time we grieve so take all the time YOU need.
I work as a carer for adults with learning disabilities so it’s a full on action packed job ,I work in a very supportive team.
Unfortunately this doing things alone (most of the time) is the way it is .when Rob first passed away very suddenly and unexpected age 56 things happened at home like I had a burst pipe , my cooker packed in and it just got on top of me and I had a melt down.
You have come to the right place to get support and to chat to people who understand your situation so keep chatting it’s so important and it helps with the grieving process
Kind regards Karen x

#14

I am so sorry for your loss
Life is so unfair

I couldn’t go back to work - I didn’t for 5 months !!!
I was in a wee bubble which helped me feel safe David was still alive in my head
He was just at work
He would be home soon for his tea

If you can don’t go back yet
There is no time line for grief it depends on the individual
Try and speak to your employer and see if you can go back for a couple of hours a day
I worked in a factory 12 hour shifts my employees were fantastic
I had a return to work over a month so gradually I built up my hours
I will not kid you on the first day back was horrendous I didn’t want to talk to anyone
I did breakdown at work many times but my friends were there to support me

Like us all having a partner husband wife friend to talk to when you have had a bad day at work
Or even a good day made life bearable it’s all about sharing with your loved ones
You have to learn to cope with that
I wrote in a journal how I was feeling that seemed to help me

But work does give you a routine a reason to get out of bed and I think that does help take away the pain for a wee while
David has been gone for over 2 years now and I still have days at work when I can’t cope so I just cry let it out and then carry on
I know my life will never be the same without him but I know the love he had for me will give me enough strength to carry on with good and bad days
Sending my love
To you all
Xx

I made myself go back to work just before Christmas as I knew if I didn’t I would never be able
We both loved Christmas

#15

Take as long as you want grief is different, it is individual. My husband died about same time 5 weeks ago suddenly. It is awful, so very raw for me. Miss him so very much. I am waiting to collect my second sick note as been signed off ever since his death in January. I have requested further sick note up until after Easter. I work in Children’s Services so cannot imagine returning right now to deal with people’s problems. So GP should be able to do that for you in light of your recent loss.

The feelings of crying, feeling like not eating, sleeping are all normal I’m told I can identify with these.

I’ve just joined this Online Community so this is my first message hope it helps. Look after yourself hold on to your loving memories of your loved one.
Juneie

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#16

Morning
I have been on the sick since jan and I will stay on it
To I can face people
At the min I can’t
So I agree take your time and take each hour
As it comes
Take care xx

#17

Thanks Debbie55

We need to do what suits us best. Nice to be able to connect with likeminded people.
Junie

#18

Thanks Janice for your post. I’m in Sen schools so will be busy. I’m working from home at the moment. I’m a cronic negative over thinker so I’m battling myself it’s so tiring. My guy had mental health issues since lockdown. So ever thought I have reminds me of the pain he felt everyday

#19

My partner died on the 4th April Last year he had covid but also Parkinson’s and Dementia. I too work in a school and have done so all last year and the beginning of this one I have been in class working with the children. I have now had my vaccine but at times it has been really worrying. If I did not work I would have just curled up in a little ball and cried and cried. I wish you well and hope you can find peace like I have managed to. Doesn’t mean we don’t mourn them just because we try to be happy with our lives. Much love to you.

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