Lockdown

I felt I was getting on with my life. I have sorted out things and going out more. With this lockdown I feel worse as the weeks go by. I find it hard to get motivated to do anything now. I cry a lot. I miss him so much.

Dear Angela, I am so sorry that you’re in this place. I can tell you that the ‘missing him’ never goes. It will be 3 years in June since I lost my wonderful husband and I can honestly say he’s still on my mind every minute of every day. I miss him like crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s as it should be. I talk to him often . I never want to forget what it’s like to talk to him. I imagine, sometimes even voice, his response to my chatter. It’s hard Angela, living on our own.

With regards lockdown, well actually, I’m kind of appreciating this slower pace of life. I’m pottering about and taking the time to stop and stare. It’s amazing what you see when you take the time to look, to really look. Nature is going on around us, it never stops. Nature knows nothing of lockdown. Take time for you Angela, really take time. Take time to look around you. This is all about you. You’re what’s important now. Maybe sit and write a letter to your man. Tell him how you’re feeling, tell him what you see, what you’ve been doing. You might be surprised at the comfort that brings.

I worry that my post will be of little help to you because my thinking is different now I’m this far into my journey of grief. But I remember what it was like at the beginning, not knowing how I was ever going to move forward from my loss. Some of those feelings are still with me and I know will never leave me. Take care dear Angela and let the love of your husband surround you. Wallow in his love. Xx

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Hi Angela, you don’t say how long it is since you have been on your own and yet you say you have got things sorted. I remember very well thinking that I had got things sorted and then went into meltdown for over two weeks and if someone hadn’t phoned to ask why I hadn’t attended a group I went to, I could still be sat in my night clothes with a bottle on the table. I think it’s common and with the lockdown even more so and even now with this horrible situation I am tempted to say ‘let’s forget the world’. You are definitely not alone but things will get better, not back as they were but better than today. Take heart knowing that you are not alone and we all have to fight our demons, that’s why we have them. If we hadn’t loved so much it would be easier but then we wouldn’t have known that love. Take care and know that we are thinking of you. Blessings S

Thank you. My husband died just before Christmas, so very early days really. I have sorted out a lot, but still some to do. Actually the last few days I have felt a bit better. I know I have to stay in and not socialise but I miss my kids and grandkids so much. We Facetime but it’s not the same. A short walk every day helps. I know there are a lot worse than me.

Angela, yes very early days and not being able to have family around is awful. From what you have said I think, like me, keeping busy helps. You go to bed tiered and that then helps you sleep. FaceTime helps with knowing how the family are but it’s no substitute for actually seeing and touching. I have just FaceTime our grandson on his tenth birthday which is fine but not quite the same. Yes you will have good days, even weeks and then something will just trigger it off but you sound very strong and capable, those times you fight it and put that brave face on. It never goes away for long, it’s like a constant companion that you learn to live with. It’s a pain that we have to put up with because of the love we had and it’s the price we have to pay. All those wonderful years and glorious memories which will always be with us, so In someways it’s a small price to pay, even when it hurts so much. Keep fighting and keep being busy and always think how well you have done getting through all the ‘stuff’, be proud of your achievements and how well things are going but also how proud he would be and how he would feel about the way you are dealing with your new life. Keep smiling and look after yourself with the love he gave you. Blessings S

Thank you for the message. Yes I do appreciate nature. I love watching how the seasons change. The bluebells in the woods are wonderful. They remind me of Roy, he loved them. I have felt a bit better the last few days. But it is very early days. Thanks again.

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