Locked out by partners family

Hi all,

I don’t know where to start to keep this brief so I am sorry this is long, it’s all still overwhelming. In late 2019 I was on the phone to my on/off partner of 12 years when he suffered a sudden heart attack. I am a carer in an end of life care home so knew the signs and heard that unmistakable death rattle. I immediately called 999, then the neighbours to get round there with the defib and then spoke to his daughter and her partner who were too distraught to act. My friend drove me round there as fast as possible and I arrived just as he was being loaded into the air ambulance.

I was 39 at the time, my partner 49, his daughter 23. I always had a good strong relationship with his daughter as I was a big part of her life growing up and in the days that followed where he was in an induced coma we were a tight unit. My partners brother has never liked me, he called me a gold digger from years back and he is also extremely high up in the Met Police.

After several weeks it was determined that my partner had probably irreversible brain damage due to lack of oxygen and despite waking from the coma and surviving sepsis and pneumonia he was in a vegetative state, the outcome was bleak but also unknown.

Without warning my partners brother sent me a vicious voicemail asking me to clear my things from my partners house, meet him to return the keys, never contact anyone again and get out of the families lives permanently. This was followed up with an equally vicious voicemail from the daughter stating the same. It was beyond hurtful. I did as I was told and I was also barred from visiting the hospital and contacting them.

Using ancestry records I can see that my partner has not died.

I am struggling to move on from this. Despite the fact we were on and off in our relationship due to his poor mental health we had a long history and were very much in love for so many years. Before his heart attack we were planning a future together.

I have received counselling which was helpful but not life changing, there are so many questions I have no answers for and I’m not sure if I should even explore it but I cannot move on and it haunts me day and night everything that happened.

Any advice would be so welcome. Thank you so much and love to all who are suffering.

Sorry that you are going through this. 5 years is a long time and may be worth teaching out to his family to see if you can visit or maybe write to ask what happened to cause them to shut you out. Was there a misunderstanding on their part?
You won’t lose anything by asking or writing to them.


My husband’s family completely froze me out - invited my daughter to events but not me.

Hi @Crystal22 Join the club of the forgotten people. I was also frozen out by my husbands family and have no idea why as we had a good relationship. I have never been needy or a burden to anyone yet after letters and phone calls (no reply for both) I gave on them. However now I couldn’t care less. The hurt has passed. I am independent and don’t need any of them.
So many seem to go through the same treatment

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My husband reduced he contact years before he died. I supported him but didn’t get into any situation with them about it. They didn’t treat him well and he had enough. I guess not being blood, I should have expected it. Although I am annoyed they bother with my daughter and not me though.

Hello Crystal
It seems the past lack of contact with your husband has come back on you now although you was an innocent party. If you want contact is there no one that can help you, perhaps to speak up for you if you can’t do it yourself. They may think that as your husband broke away that you are of the same opinion and don’t think you want to be bothered with them.
I wrote many times to his family (pleasant letters)but received no replies. Now I honestly couldn’t care less about them. I don’t want them in my life.
Take care

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I can’t say I am fussed - the events have passed and nothing will compensate for that.

They were troublesome when we first met in the 1980s but for his sake I put up with them. It did get better but something upset him in 2011 and he reduced the contact.

Good for you @Crystal22. Get rid and concentrate on yourself. Who needs family that can’t be bothered with us.

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