As many of us do, I felt extremely lonely when Penny died. No children, but blessed with many really supportive friends. Now, after 2 years, things have changed, friends are still friends, but they have to concentrate more on their own lives.
Purely by accident I came across a program on Channel 4, which was about that comedienne Sappi Khoorsandi (sorry about the spelling, Sappi!).
I live an hour from our wonderful peak district, and she was walking on her own in these hills, stopping and chatting, stopping and looking, stopping and thinking and reflecting on things, even just chatting away to herself.
She was relaxed and content, and at peace with her situation. She was now living alone. She considered if, given a choice, would she prefer living with someone else or a baby elephant, she 100% chose the elephant.
She was mindful of what she was doing, and where she was. This is the essence of mindfulness.
From that moment, I tried to cultivate mindfulness. I’m now sat in a shepherds hut in deepest, darkest Anglesey, looking out at all the wondrous things out there, just getting on with their lives. It prevents my mind from wandering back to day when Penny died, unless I choose to do that.
Loneliness versus aloneness is a bit of a difficult concept. Loneliness is a dreadful state, but aloneness is something I choose instead. It’s quite nice here ,relatively speaking
Oh, I think I’ve just spotted a barn owl. - what an amazing sight to see!
I have read a lot about mindfulness and although I understand why it works it is really difficult not to keep thinking about negative thoughts. May be it is still early days for me (9 months). Also as my partner died suddenly - happily watching TV together and then suddenly could not move or talk having a massive stroke and dieing later in hospital - the shock without any preparation is something my mind keeps dwelling on. I hope it will get easier as I am very lonely at the moment without a family. I do go out to meet people but due to ill health recently have not been able to do that either.
Tykey thank you for your affirming post I am trying to practice mindfulness too. It is a challenging road we have to tread after bereavement and the whole Buddhist philosophy on life is very helpful I d urge others to try meditation and be in nature often It really helps one let go of negative thoughts and emotions.
May you be at peace
Thank you for your sharing…today I miss my man more than I ever did earlier, I thought I was getting better at living without him…but it’s been only 1 year on the 28th of this month. I will try to find happiness and not feel alone and lonely…
Loobyloo2 There is loads of stuff in the internet about mindfulness and how you can feel calmer and more able to cope Even if you only practice a short time everyday you you will soon see the benefit There may also be some face to face classes linked to yoga etc in your area I wish u well Blessings
Here’s a mindful update.
As you might remember I’m having a few days in the favourite haunt of Penny and myself, Anglesey. I’m in a shepherds hut in the middle of nowhere, and currently sat in the warm sunshine just outside of it, having my first cuppa. Being mindful of what I’m doing, I sit, look and listen at my surroundings. I see (and appreciate) everything around me. I have;
My two little dogs curled up to me.
Just 20 yards away, four ancient breeds of sheep (soay) with huge curly horns are staring at us, whilst laying down chewing their breakfasts.
Jackdaws are hunting for worms.
I’ve watched a herd of cows slowly wandering back for some more grass chewing after morning milking.
A bank of gorse to my left is in flower, and I think I’ve seen a linnet flying in there.
In the distance, I see Snowdon basking in the sunshine
I could go on and on, but I’ve been able to have a lovely happy chat with Penny about the lives we had together, and my plans for the future. We’ve agreed I’ll go to lunch at our favourite sandy cove and beach cafe, and I’ll see her there.
I might be alone, but I’m certainly not lonely
PS my first tortoiseshell butterfly has just landed on a wild flower near my feet. How does anyone design something like that?
How cheering to hear such a bittersweet philosophical resolution to this awful pain of loss. I’m trying to find a state of acceptance and mindfulness, but am more restricted due to my own health and not being a driver to my garden or nearby parks. The loss never goes away but finding some joys in life does help. That and this more cheery summery weather! X
Hi Tyler
I am pleased you have found your mindfulness. I think we all find this in different ways. It is 6.5 years since my husband died leaving me a widow in my mid-50s. Today, with time and healing I find myself in a very different place. I am at peace with myself and I think that is all part of mindfulness. I am content living a single life. I’m fortunate to have family and friends but treasure the tranquility of life.
I’ve just come across your post @Jane99 as I’ve been scrolling on this site today as having a not so good day.
I know it isn’t really helpful to do this but I find it strangely settling.
I’m a recent widow of 52, my husband was 56 when he passed 11 weeks ago.
I’m glad you have found some peace and comfort in your life and in sharing that here you have given me something to aim for.
I hope it is possible for me too, so thankyou for sharing and giving a stranger a bit of hope. X
Thank you for replying. I wish you well as you navigate this different life. For,me birthdays and anniversaries are now a time to remember with love. I know (he gave me firm instructions) that he wanted me to live a full life. Now in my early 60s I’m surrounded by my sons, grandchildren and elderly parents. I sometimes think what if …
I will keep you in mind through the hard days and nights.
My head says I can have a good if somewhat different life given time and some effort, but my heart at the moment just wants to cling onto that life I loved so much with him, and where I was happy and loved and safe.
We have all the firsts still to come, starting next week with my sons birthday - I wish I could fast forward time to when I experience these times filled with love as you are now, but I know I have to battle through the pain to get there.
Thanks for sharing - we all need to know that there is another side of the mountain we need to climb, where a better time and place can be. Xx
roni52 you are quite right in what you say. My youngest was 28 the week after his dad died. Four months later he married and since has had 2 children. Huge life events and he wasn’t here for any of it. My youngest grandson is the spitting image of him! We talk about him all the time. My life is busy. I don’t want to meet anyone else. Our marriage was a good one and that’s enough for me. So I trundle along in life.
So sorry hear your story. I understand the heart break of losing an extremely loved partner. Every day we think of them and how it could have been. My husband of 52 years gone. I live each day and pray for good choices and for some company at some stage of the day. Bless you today and may you find peace. X
