I know it’s been 3 years since I lost my partner but for the last few months I can’t stop thinking about him and I just miss him so much. I’ve been crying nearly every night and I just want my reassuring hug that he used to give me. I really feel as though what’s the point anymore even though I’ve got 2 adult kids a 2 grandkids. I’ve become disabled recently and I feel like a burden to my family. I’m a little scared because I’ve never felt this bad. I tried anti depressants about a year ago but they made no difference I ended up feeling more confused.
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Dear Susan 64 . I can understand how you feel it is 15months since I lost peter and I still cry every day family and friends seem to think we should be over our loss but its not the case I have 4 adult kids and 6 grandkids and another on the way I have cmt and it has got to the stage where I struggle to walk and I can see myself in a wheelchair soon and it scares me as I don’t want to be a burden to my family so I understand where your coming from. Life is so hard for us who are left behind. Take care. Jenny
Hello. It has been three years in October since I lost my husband and I am, like you, sitting here crying. I don’t think that I will be any different now and I have no interest in the future. I have done everything that people say you should do. New interests, new people getting out etc but quite frankly I am tired of being so busy. The things I do bring no real pleasure just a way of distracting me for a space of time. I have given up trying to explain to people how I feel as they are ‘sorry’ but really just don’t understand. I think some people look at me and think that may be me someday so best not to talk about it. I have pleaded with my husband to find me a way out and I find that is really weird. I would be happy to be told I was dying as it would be a way out for me. I was talking to my stepdaughter the other day and just said how I felt. She is a glass half full person and she said ‘well you might as well kill yourself now’. I know it was an offhand remark and meant to jolt me to my senses but it really hurt. I have thought about this often and as the years go by it is becoming more attractive. I am not even half a person now and I am so tired of being unhappy. I will never be truly happy again and that depresses me. Now if anyone asks I say I am fine as it is easier than telling the truth and less embarrassing all round. It is true the waves are further apart but there is no still water to find peace. All I can say is I get where you are.
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That’s the issue - we can live a life full of distractions but to me that is not living. It is nothing compared to the life I had. To me a happy life is one where we are really connected to our soulmate. I could do just about anything with my wonderful husband and feel happy but there’s very little I can do without him and feel happy. Even seeing the kids achieve things is hard because he’s not here to see it. Sending hugs
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I understand all of these comments. I’m tired of not being able to share. True happiness is in short supply. I too try to busy, join everything but now I just feel so tired. I never knew grief was so painful and exhausting.
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I looked back at the calendar for 2019 the year after my husband died andI could not find a day that was clear of some activity. Then came Covid and with it a sense of relief. My world had stopped and everything I was had shrunk and here was a world where it had all stopped for everyone. I felt more peaceful as no one was doing the things I longed to do with my husband. Now the world has started again and the sense of isolation has come back. I have started to be busy busy again and so very tired, but I don’t know how to stop. It’s like being on a merry go round and you can’t get off. I had put thoughts of joining my husband aside but now it seems much more attractive to me. I just want some peace in my life and I want to feel genuinely happy not just the parted on pretend smile I have now. I know that in this life I won’t find that. I remember the moment he died and my world stopped too.
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All of what you have said resonates so much with me. My husband passed away in Feb’20. Covid hit and although I was very alone, it gave me time to just cry and not have to put on the other brave face mask. I have been having one of those emotional days where I just feel like what is the point, I will never know happiness ever again. It would have been our 37th wedding anniversary.
Like you, I try to keep busy during the day but at night I am happy to be home, lock my door and cry mostly. It is exhausting putting on the other face.
I wish I was older and maybe didn’t have as long until I can be with him again. I am 58 and the thought of my life like this is unbearable. I still can’t believe Jim has gone, I want to scream, I miss him do much. Our life wasnt supposed to be like this.
People say you have been so brave and you are remarkable but they don’t see the true pain and heartbreak, I hide it.
This forum is helpful and I understand my thoughts and feelings are normalbut it does not make it any easier. 
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So sorry that you were left a widow so young. I am 75 now I was 72 when he died and I felt robbed so you must feel that in bucketloads. My husband was older than me he was 87, just, when he died. People are so stupid and insensitive. They have said that I must have realised when we married that this would happen. Ok so 45 years ago when we met that was the first thing I thought of, so ridiculous it’s not worth an answer I never gave it a thought because when you are blissfully happy with someone who wants to think of them dying. I have even had suggested to me that I might meet someone else Why would anyone in their right mind want that at my age and if it happened how long would it be before there was another person to grieve over. Pathetic suggestions like that make me angry but then I am angry all the time anyway. I spent a large some of money on one of the most famous mediums to see if I could get any comfort and he was rubbish. Has huge tours and following but nothing for me,
I am so pleased to be older but our family are long livers and I don’t want another 15 or 20 years like this. Maybe as I get older I will get sillier and forget. Sometimes that would be a blessing. At your age it is harder as you have been robbed of a future and I can only say that I understand the thoughts you have and the feelings. I hope you can find some peace along the way.
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Its all of the above, what you say… i am a highly functioning outward person…
But i am cream crackered… tired of trying to focus, i am physically able, and not ungrateful of that. But mentally i am screwed.
I say to my husband, if your watching me, and you see me smiling, of chatting, its jazz hands, all show, as my nan would say, all fur coat amd no knickers…
All the time my dear Simon is there, in my head, on my mind, i have a continuous fluttery anxious stomach, going over, and over, the loss, how it happened …its relentless. It never stops…
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Jim was only 57 when he passed. He was going through an operation and things went very wrong. I never thought that would happen and I keep going over and over it.
I too have gone to a medium or a lightworker as the girl calls herself. Again friends said I couldn’t do that however until they have gone through this and walk in my shoes they don’t know what they would do.
The girl was remarkable and told me things I one could know.
I found comfort on some level but not enough to find peace.
We met when we were 18 and had our children young, probably thinking we would have our time when they were grown up but we haven’t had that.
I had the most wonderful loving husband and I miss him every minute of every day. I think because we adored each other the pain of loss is so painful and devastating.
People do say such stupid things, they would be better saying nothing.
I have wonderful happy memories and I am so grateful but I wanted so many more.
I just can’t believe he isn’t here.
Sending love and light to all of you. 
Im the same…I thought losing my dad who I had known all my life (44 yrs at the time) was horrendous grief…but I lost my partner (soul mate) of 4 yrs, 14 months ago and have found it hell on earth, worse than losing my dad. I cry every day, sometimes for hours.
Every single thing you all say resonates with me, which is a comfort, as sometimes I feel I must be just wallowing.
Truly the pain is unbelievable and the lack of comfort unbearable.
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I have often said how grateful I am that at 75 I won’t have far to go til I will be with him again.
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I agree nobody knows the true heartbreak . Like you I get out with friends and appear to be ‘doing fine’ . I am 64 and all my friends still have their husbands and fortunately they are all in good shape so they know nothing of the grief as I never did . My father died aged 91 so although sad a good innings . But to lose my one and only forever man is mind-blowingly sad. And like you could have far too many years left to think about him
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LinM, it is so devastating I know. I cry everyday and my husband is constantly in my thoughts.
I know I have to find a way to ‘accept’ but I don’t know if I ever will.
It is exhausting working at ‘doing fine’ isn’t it. People even good friends don’t ask ‘how are you?’ they don’t really want to know the answer.
I have to try and accept and remember I had such a loving husband and we had a wonderful relationship that many people never have but I wanted more💔
Take care and I think sharing on this forum helps in some way because it shows us that what we are feeling and thinking is normal.
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