The deathening silence is hard, when you lose that special person. The one you laughed with and talk too about everything and anything, like a best friend! My life feels meaningless with no purpose to anything. I just keep waiting for him to tell me what to do, without him! I feel so lost and alone. When will it end ???
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Hi @N8658,
I’m so sorry to hear about your special person.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share 
Take good care,
Becca
Online Community Team
It is hard having to carry on and make decisions without them. Although I’m nearly 15 months into this nightmare I still feel really unsure about any major decisions I am making. Currently I’m having lots of work done in the garden and from time to time I hear a little voice in my head asking me why I’m doing it. I don’t think the loneliness ever ends, we just try and learn to deal with it on a daily basis. Having that other person there to bounce ideas off of is something I really miss and I too wonder how long this will go on.
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I really miss having someone to share things with too. I was in the garden weeding and came across a couple of plants we bought in our holidays last summer. He’s been gone since January and the thought hit me that he will never see them flower. Needless to say the floodgates opened! I can’t weed with tears streaming down my face
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Yes I have been weeding too today and he always used to do it. I have an old snap of him vending down doing it and walking from one place to transplant thinks in another part. I can hear what he used to say in my mind. I imagine if he hadn’t died he would have been telling me what to do. And I say in my mind well I heard it lots of times so ok will let the leaves die down like you said. Ok I will clear up the bits because he always wanted it to be neat. I think he wanted to still be able to do the weeding even if he couldn’t do everything else.
I think about him all the time as it is only nearly 18 months. Miss going for walk with him and sitting on benches. Have all these photos of us sitting on different ones through the years listening to the birds of people watching.
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My husband had sown tomato seeds before he died.
I have just started to pot them on.
Like you, I think he will not see them grow or pick and eat the tomatoes.
I am tearing up writing this.
He grew tomatoes from seeds for so many years.
He obviously sowed them not knowing what was going to happen.
Now, crying so much at that.
There are so many things that we miss aren’t there?
Big hugs everyone x
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I have taken on 2 of the 3 allotments Jim worked for many years. I think i’m a crazy woman, but now i know why the greenhouse was full to bursting at this time of year! I just hope he will be proud of what I’m doing. I can feel closer to Jim when I’m at the allotments.
Big hugs.
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Thats so lovely ! You keep it up, i’m sure he would be very proud of what you’ve doing. 
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I resonate with this. I am a keen gardener. My partner did not like gardening but was always there to help with anything heavy if I needed it or make decisions. The lonliness never ceases. I visited the garden centre today and bought some new plants. On the way home I teared up and thought what is the point. Going back to an empty house makes it worse.
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Yes I was very proud last year what I accomplished in the allotment and garden
But this year it is harder. I am way behind. Oh I cut the grass and am dutifully pulling out weeds. But the green house is still a mess. I tidied up the garage again.
I have some bedding plants ready and put soil in seed trays.
Will dutifully plant seeds, prick them out and water them etc. what else can I do otherwise but look at a horrid desolate garden. That feels worse. Just hard to get going. Do little bit at a time
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Just do a little bit. Plant a few seeds and watch them grow. It’s only little steps. I know its really hard, but whatever you can mamage, abd just keep going. Hugs.
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Yes that is true
Thank you
For walking along
The new untrodden way
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This is my first time reaching out for any kind of like circumstances. I, I’m a mess. It seems, it seems so hard to live, I have two babies. My little sister pick them up a couple weeks ago because she’s hoping to help with the stress. So now I’m at home by myself and it’s even more lonely. I lost my Tom in January of this year and I feel like I’ve been, just alone, like alone alone. I have a couple friends, one of them lost her husband many years ago, I think that hanging out with her helps some. But I can’t motivate myself to do anything. My house is a mess, my outside is a mess, my heart is a mess, my head is mess. I miss my babies but I feel like they’re being taken care of better than I can take care of them right now. My my ankles decided to start swelling and I just can’t find it in me to take care of myself. Today I told my little sister that I thought I might be depressed. I told her that I helped a friend at work and it felt good. My little sister told me that she doesn’t think I’m depressed, that I’m just being lazy, if I can help her at work, then I should be able to clean my house. I don’t, I don’t know how to deal with it, but just reading all of your stories makes me feel not so alone.
The other day I had a dream, in the dream, I was watching my oldest boy do something. He looks at me with a great big smile on his face and so proud. In my dream I I start yelling for Tom. I’m like “Tom”, “TOM”, “TOM”!!!. I woke up as I was sitting up looking into the living room yelling his name. Until it all came back to me, 
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Oh my lovely so sorry for you’re loss! Try to take one day at a time. It’s so hard this grief your going through and its normal to feel like you dont want to bothered with anything. I’m 6 weeks im since i lost my husband amd some days are good nut other days are so hard to get through. Try and take comfort in your babies and ask for support from your sister. Everyone on here understands your grief . It’s hard for people who haven’t been through it to understand They try too, but they just can’t understand the overwhelmingness of all this grief. Only time will help to heal. 
xx
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Having a lazy day today. Keep trying to be motivated but showers today.
Seems was all go yesterday. Just cleaned up few weeds etc. ,
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I know it’s so hard to keep going and trying to find the motivation. Some days i feel like im drowning with all this grief. The bank holiday’s make you feel even more alone 
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