Lonely after bereavement

I’m back on this site again.It’s been over 2 years since my wife passed away,and i still miss her so much,but just recently,i’ve not been as bad as i was for the 2 years.I now find i’m feeling totally lonely.I’m 71 years old and have the brain age of a 30 year old,which is a problem,as i worry about my own mortality on a daily basis.I’m in rude health and as i’ve stated in a previous post i see my daughter quite a lot .I also go to my local coffee shop every day,and the staff are almost like a second family to me.But,and it’s a big but,i can’t talk about my inner thoughts ,as i could do with my wife.So many people and so very lonely.I just wish i could release my thoughts to a like minded person,preferably a female ,as i’ve always been more at ease with women.I don’t have an ulterior motive,just because i prefer talking to women,as i’ve always been that way as long as i can remember.They tend to cut out the BS and get to the point,which i find more easy to talk to women,for this reason.
I’ve never been so unhappy in my life and i can’t unburden my worries,although i’m around quite a few people during the day.I really need to talk with someone who knows where i’m coming from and has experienced similar problems.

Hello Brian
I had to read your post through twice as I could almost have written it myself. After I thought about it I realised a few significant differences. It’s an interesting one is brain age as in a lot of ways my ways of thinking don’t seem to have changed since I was young and in other ways I’m much older,
I have launched myself into membership of several groups of U3A and after a few months I’m now feeling comfortable in contributing more. My wife died 5 months ago and I am 69. I have four children and 7 grandchildren.
Virtually all the meaningful contact and support has been from female friends and family and maybe that’s because I’ve always had an easy relationship with them. Generally speaking the menfolk, and I include my two brothers in that, seem to find it difficult to talk at an emotional level but are fine with practical things. During my working life I was mainly in the company of woman and had many very open relationships where anything could be discussed. I’m not sure how but even in my university days I had more female friends. In some ways this might have had an adverse effect on the girl who became my wife as I didn’t need to unload on her in work related matters. There were some of my female colleagues she felt quite hostile towards although she was at pains to hide it from them.
I’ve always made a point of not talking about my bereavement at U3A meetings. It did come out at one event and one of the women told me that she was bereaved two months before me. We’ve chatted quite a lot since but never about anything to do with bereavement.
If you don’t have access to anything like U3A maybe you could look at the initiative being set up by Cruse and the Red Cross called more than words. There is one starting in Leeds which is fairly close to me but they set a start time of 10.00 am which is difficult to get there in time. If that’s the same in every case then a lot will struggle. If you are worried about things then maybe the Silver line or Samaritans may be a possibility.
Loneliness is getting plenty of mentions at a national level. Maybe your local authority has some initiatives or knows of some. I’ve read about interesting ones set up by private individuals in various parts of the country for the benefit of the local community.
Another thing that could be rewarding is joining a walking group. I’ve been unable to walk with my usual group due to a knee problem but it’s improving and I’m hoping to get back with them. The conversation was a highlight for me as I had generally been a solo walker.
I suppose all things depend on what’s available in your area but you may have to look at more innovative ways of avoiding the cold grip of loneliness. Good luck.

Hello Supersnad,

Same age - I’m 71 next month.
Together 52 years (20th October 1966 to 8th September 2018.
Like female company - though Eileen kept an eye on me !
Missing her so much.
So I guess we’re similar in those respects.

Brain age ? Probably different there. I must be about 5.

Hi supersnad
I think most on here can relate to loneliness after loss,my own loneliness is all attached to my husband,im lonely because he is not here.I have many visits daily from my daughters,grandchildren,friends,and i love seeing them,they make me smile,give me tremendous support,and i,m so grateful.The loneliness is still there and won’t budge.That feeling is never going to change for me,but i am still moving along,creating some kind of life,making it up as i go,best not to think too far ahead.Maybe you could try a counsellor,you could unburden all your worries there,there is no judgement ,you can tell them exactly how you are feeling.I must admit i tell my daughters everything im feeling,nothing is hidden,i can see where it can be a problem if you feel you cannot get worries out in the open.De-cluttering the mind has always helped me.
Like you say you have returned to this site,you can post on here and others will help you with some sound advice i’m sure.Take care x

Is it loneliness or just incompleteness?
I live a very solitary existence these days and in many ways it suits me well but there are times when I wish that I had someone of my own to share thoughts with…I have struggled with this but it has nothing to do with the love I have for Barry and I am not in any way seeking a relationship as many would interpret that word …it’s more about needing some affirmation that I still exist as a person in my own right and have something left to give.
It is interesting to read a man’s viewpoint…I have always found it easier to relate to the opposite sex than to my own…and I think males have different coping strategies…perhaps our generation (I am 69) had more clearly defined roles within our relationships and loss has exacerbated that?
Thank you for posting so honestly…perhaps life will one day help us to live better…take care x

I know where you’re coming from,and it’s good to hear that you too are aware of male/female connection, without all the relationship problems.I too am not looking for that type of connection,but would love to be able to share my innermost thoughts with someone outside of my family,who don’t really know the turmoil I’m going through.I wouldn’t find any solace from a counsellor,as if they haven’t experienced the loss and loneliness that I feel,it would mean nothing to me.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone with the same problems as me,and swap life’s experiences,after loss.Ive always been a bit of an extrovert and up for a laugh,and I can gabber a fair bit too.Unfortunately I have keep this up when I’m with my family or people who know me.Its a facade,but I don’t want anyone worrying over me.Thanks for your reply,much appreciated.

Thanks for your reply to my plight.Ive replied in detail in another reply,and as I,m not too hot on my mobile phone I’ll keep it short.I take on board everything you say,and you have the advantage of being able to offload to your family,which must be most helpful.I keep most of my feelings from my family,as we are all very close,and I wouldn’t want them to start worrying about me as they have their own life to get on with.They lost a mum,but I lost part of me,and it’s left me totally lost and lonely.Much appreciate your input.

It’s only me again.Ive just recently read your comments once again and your incompleteness does make me think.How does one justify their existance,would be a big problem of mine.I thank you again for your comments as it’s good to share.

You may want to take a look on the What’s your grief website,there is an article on there called I don’t know who i am anymore ;related to grief and loss of identity,might help ,it’s a good site many use it on here.It mentions about losing sense of self when we lose a loved one.Ties in with amelie’sgran comments about incompleteness.I struggle big time with that too x

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Hi Brian if it’s any comfort you are not on your own it’s twenty seven months since I lost Suzanne and in many ways it’s worse now … the coffee shop thing keep it up I was going sometimes three or four times a day it drove my kids nuts … although now I rarely leave the house … best of luck mate