I am trying to be everyone and ensure everyone else is ok but I m losing myself.
Lost mum 2.5 years ago and dad lives alone and has increasing physical and psychological needs that are falling on me
My sister is in Nottingham with partner and child so is limited to what she can do. I work full time and have found myself with no real friends only work colleagues.
I have had my own health issues this year which along with everything else I have been off sick for 8 weeks and went back to work in October but I am already feeling overwhelmed. I am also on the gynae cancer pathway and awaiting a hysteroscopy, I haven’t told dad as mum had uterine cancer so want an all clear or diagnosis before I tell him
I have tried to do everything mum would have wanted for Christmas. I moved in with dad from Christmas eve to sort decorating, cooking, etc and company for dad. While my sister her partner and 8 year old stay in mine . Getting 2 households sorted, all the prep and cooking yesterday and today with limited help, I am exhausted and snappy.
My nephew brightens my day and he has wanted to stay with me yesterday but said I needed a rest and could stay tonight. However, dad had forgotten and told him he couldn’t stay because I was tired. Which I know was kindness but it upset my nephew, he came to see me and his dad too so I knew what was said. We were trying to explain and dad’s ringing me from downstairs. In end I have upset him trying to say not to talk while little ears listening .
I alsob got frustrated because no one had cleared the buffet table while I was resting upstairs. He’s gone out to his club to see his friends. He would have anyway but was clearly upset
Since he’s left I can’t stop crying as I feel I have let everyone, especially mum, down.
I feel your pain. First losing mum which we never really recover from and then all the other family stuff which arrives at this time of year.
I lost my son 6 weeks ago. It all seems like a bad dream. I have photos of him here on my phone which I am scared to open.
You hang in there my dear. For your own sake. I wish you well.
Such a hard time of year. We still try to create a perfect Christmas but they can’t be the same. We can’t take on responsibility for others. I do this all the time. Try not to show the horror and pain in case it upsets others… Try to support everyone, but there is such a cost. I was telling myself Mick would want me to support everyone, but am wondering if he would actually say look after yourself, and then others….. Everything is so hard and confusing
Dear @Jo4 im so sorry that you are feeling all the weight of responsibility falling on your shoulders, when you are dealing with your own grief and health worries on top. Please dont think you have let anyone down. Wouldn’t your mum prioritise you all being healthy and happy over and above trying to create some perfect Christmas? Try and be kind to yourself - it sounds like you are doing the best you can and thats all anyone can do
I totally understand you want to take care of your Dad, but equally you need to prioritise your own health and wellbeing too. Remember what they say on airplanes about the oxygen masks? - you have to put your own mask on before you’re able to take care of others. And its the same here too - by looking after yourself you’ll be better able to support your Dad whilst not sacrificing your own wellbeing. Maybe this coming year is the time to look at what other support might be out there to help you and your Dad?
I dont know what your employer is like but if you are struggling it might be worth speaking to your manager or the HR department - would a temporary reduction in hours or a change in duties help? Did they offer you a phased return to work after your absence to help you ease back in? Some employers also offer employee assistance programmes which can include access to counseling support.
Sending you best wishes and i really hope you get the all clear soon
I am so sorry you are going through all this. To add to the lovely messages of support, I think it might be helpful for you to contact an amazing organisation called Carers Together. I’ve been with them for a few years now and don’t know what I would have done without their support. You can get counselling, have a dedicated support worker, and they organise activities and get-togethers every month. And it’s good to know there is someone on the end of the phone if you just need to talk/cry/rant. When you feel ready, have a look and hopefully it might get you some much-needed support. Take care and look after yourself
Thanks everyone. I finally calmed down and carried on. Finally back in my own home and space. Sister on way back to Nottingham. I’m back in work tomorrow. Will look into more support going forward as fear things are only going to get worse.
That’s a pity there’s nothing near for you to go to. I still think you could get a lot of help from them though. I have an amazing support worker who I’ve spent hours and hours on the phone to. Having someone who isn’t a friend or a family member who you can share anything and everything with is so good. Hopefully you will have an equally positive experience with them x
I hope that works out for you. I didn’t realise how lucky I was to have them practically on my doorstep. Please let me know how you get on, my fingers are crossed for you.
