Im extremely proud of how Ive progressed in the year since Penny died, Ive got myself to the point that I’m dont feel lonely when I’m on my own, I enjoy every day of my new life. Its filled with people I care about, and who care about me. Im very comfortable and happy in their company.
Last night I went to a social event, with lots of people I knew and liked from the past, acquaintances but not close friends. It involved lots of things I enjoyed, campfires, playing ukuleles, buns and bangers.
My wife would have been moseying around and talking to people, but we would naturally keep glancing at each other, making sure we were both safe, happy, and didnt need rescuing, and popping over to each other.
I found myself looking for her without thinking, but she wasnt there!!.
It was a good night, good things to do, good people, but I felt very lonely. I had to leave before I got more upset.
So my next challenge is to understand why I can be more lonely in a crowd than in small groups, then do something about it!
@tykey I think in a crowd we are still a couple. Like you say, you would always be checking that the other was okay. So you naturally looked for her. Maybe this is another first, or at least not something you’ve had to deal with often. All these situations we find ourselves in are harder the first time, and still need practice and repetition until we get out of our old habits. So perhaps the more you do this, the easier it will get. It will feel different. You need to get used to and expect the new feeling
Thanks @AngelinaH , I think you have summed it up very well. I have a choice of avoidance, or do it some more, (or somewhere in between). Then see how it goes.
Im very happy in a crowd of people who knew Penny, and who share a bit of grief, I think I’ll now refer to them as “Team Penny”
I totally understand this. I’ve been out a few times with friends, sometimes to a pub we used to go to but once to a little beer festival. Because I’ve now been to the pub a few times it isn’t quite as difficult, until someone says something which can set me off, but the beer festival was a lot more problematic. I associated the beer festival so much with my Keef, he really loved his real ale, that it seemed wrong being there with others and yes there was a constant thought of “were has he got to now?” then realising of course he isn’t there. I’m supposed to be going out with a group to yet another beer festival next weekend but not really sure if I want to now. Beer was his thing and so I’m not sure if I can cope with another event which I associated far too closely with him.
Yes we used to love going out to parties, we’d kind of split up and chat to our friends then meet and have a catch up, go the bar and then do more mingling but keep looking out for each other. God i miss that so much, maybe thats why i haven’t been able to go out to anywhere like a party, a wedding pub or a beer festival since. Just anything that we would normally do together i cant do now, i havent even had a drink since he passed.
Im happy with the avoidance tactic for now, but maybe in the future when im stronger i can get back to doing some of the things we enjoyed together, a liitle bit at a time…baby steps x
That’s the problem with the one I’m supposed to be going to next weekend as we are all going together in a minibus. When I went to the other one it was local so I could have walked home if I felt bad, well I did have a few “wobbly” moments. This is why I’m concerned about the next one because if I feel bad again I will be stuck!
Hi Guineapig65. Would there be a special friend there, who knows and understands your fears, and would stay close, giving you a shoulder to cry on if you need one?
I had one who kept an eye on me, spotted I was getting upset, gave me an enormous hug and made sure I was ok to get home. A friend in need is a friend indeed!
Well I am going with my friend who was at the previous one and then she was very understanding letting me take time out when she could see that I was getting a bit overwhelmed. The rest of the group have made a special request that I am included on excursions like this, which is really nice, but sometimes I’m not sure if I could cope. I will probably go, but it’s just the thought of not being able to leave if I feel bad since I will be relying on the minibus to get me home because it’s in the middle of nowhere. My particular friend I’m going with has been very understanding so it helps.
Thank you, but as the week has progressed my thoughts have got a bit more negative about Saturday’s possible excursion. I checked on google maps and it’s basically in the middle of nowhere so getting home by any other means than the minibus would be far too complicated. I had a long chat with my sister and she made me realise that I didn’t really want to go. It would have been a long day starting at 10 and not really knowing when we would be coming home so I’ve told the organiser that I won’t be able to manage it this time.
I find I go to quite a lot of events because I would be letting down those who invited me.
Ive now started asking myself “do I really want to go?”. Or if I did go, did I really enjoy it? Very often the answer is no!
Good decision @Guineapig65
Im also starting to ask myself the same questions regarding holidays
@Guineapig65@tykey@Skip I don’t think there’s anything wrong with avoidance at times. Often we do things because we feel we ought to, or we want to please others, it’s expected of us, we’re told it’ll be good for us. Guineapig I could be mistaken, but I thought you sounded like you were looking for someone to say you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. This is how I am a lot of the time. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to please everyone. My turn now. I’ll do what I want and I won’t if I don’t. That sounded ambitious, a long, tiring day, no means of a sharp exit. I think I would have made that choice. I think it’s to do with control. We need to try and control things if we can. There are things beyond our control as we’ve all discovered.
I recently had the opportunity to go to majorca with my womens football team and play in a tournament. We went last year and had a ball so i knew what it would be like. But since my husband passed in october im struggling with lots of things, like lots of people, socialising, guilt, and altho the holiday would of lifted my spirits and my girls would of looked after me, it was a big step, and too soon. If i had a meltdown im miles away from my safeplace/home. I made the decision to not go the week before and i knew it was te right decisikn for me at this time.
Ive heard the phrase baby steps used alot, i think thats a good phrase…
@AngelinaH . You are very insightful. I might print that off and stick it on my fridge door.
In fact there are many excellent posts on here, thankyou one and all.
Ive not yet come to a conclusion of what to do about holidays. Im going narrowboating in a few weeks with my brother, and Im very comfortable with that because its been on my bucket list.
Ive had a few holidays on my own, which were ok, or perhaps I survived them.
Why do I actually go? My home is perfect for me, so why do I go somewhere else where it is an effort to be happy?
Is it “because thats what Penny and I used to do,”?
Would I be better staying at home, pottering like the old man Im turning into. Walking the dogs more? Taking my guitars to the woods? Day trips (I can see the Peak District from my garden). Activity holidays?
Lots of lovely ideas for day trips there @tykey. My dog is just starting to get used to the car so hoping for more days out with the pooch.
Im not ready for holidays yet, me and my lovely hubby used to holiday alot, we were very lucky.
Regarding what I do and how I spend my time, I think this experience is forcing me to live more in the moment. I do as I please from one minute to the next. I don’t plan very much ahead. I’m certainly not thinking about holidays. We were supposed to be away on our annual holiday this very week. This time last year ee were on holiday in Derbyshire, so holidays and jaunts are the last thing on my mind. I like being in the house too, it feels safe. I think I need that for a while. I am trying to listen to my self. What is best for me right now.