Lonely

It’s been a while since I was last on this forum.Basically I lost my wife coming up for 3 years now after being married 52 years.My daughter visits me just about everyday for a chat and a cup of tea.I also go everyday to my local coffee shop where I know and have a laugh with the manageress and her staff,and who i,m close to.Almost like a second family.I’m also in the position now that I can go anywhere at anytime,whenever I want,but never do.I’ve always found that chatting with females very uplifting.As I’m now 72 there’s no other reason than that I find more at ease in female company.
Everything that I’ve just stated sounds all good,but I’m worse now than I was 3 years ago and just feel that I’ve no real purpose in life and I get very depressed and lonely,and I’m definitely on a downward spiral that is eating me up.I’m on anti depressants and was on them before I lost my wife,but I may as well be taking smarties.The thought of living the rest of my life the way I feel now is a nightmare,although I couldnt do any silly.I’m in reasonably in good physical health,but mentally,a mess,although nobody would really know as I can cover it rather well.I have no future,and that’s what worries me the most.
Sorry for the long winded rant,but I had to tell someone.
Brian

Hello Brian
I can totally understand what you are saying.
It will be 36 months soon since my loss.
Yes, the initial aftermath has passed but now we are left with the after effects of bereavement and they just as you describe - to me personally anyway.
I just feel that the full stop to my life story was put in place when I lost my Husband and what I feel now is akin to a no-man’s land life.
To me it’s a bit like “The lights are on but there’s no one at home”, if you are familiar with that old saying. Some may probably say I was always a bit like that but that’s another story.
I’m not doing a good job of sending a positive reply am I?
Sometimes, things just have to be told as how they are and I appreciate your post for this.
On a lighter note, if you enjoy your visits to the coffee shop for a cuppa and uplifting chat, long may they continue.
Sending warmest regards to you.
.

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Hi Tina ,

I like your words " the full stop to your life story was put in place when I lost my husband " that’s exactly how I feel .
I’m physically still here but in all other ways I just don’t exist anymore this isn’t living.

Brian , like you I don’t feel any better as the months go by. I don’t understand why people think I will .
I have absolutely nothing left in my.life other than looking after our very needy dog ! Bless his little furry paws .

“Tell it like it is” I believe we should do that. I avoid one neighbour whose husband died 5 years ago. She keeps telling me she can do anything she wants now and has a great time with her friends. I’ m not sure if she’s trying to convince me or herself.

I hope you all get through Sunday as peacefullt as you can. Jx

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Thanks Tina and Dale for your input.When it all boils down to it,we’re all in the same boat,but take some solace that you can talk about your problems,and at least share the pain.My main concern is,am i ever going to be happy again ?I’m an extrovert and people expect me to be a happy chappy,but that in itself is draining.
I’m at the stage now that it would be nice to meet up with a like minded female, for a chat,coffee,or a day out,but no other reason.I hope things get better for you,but i’m always willing to listen.
Brian

No one should ever feel guilty about the length of time grief can take. One year or sixty years. Of course it’s good if we can move on, but some find it so difficult.
‘Six months!! You should be over it by now’!! Like the flu you just get over it! Yeah?? That kind of talk can only come from the ignorant who have no idea of the pain such a remark can cause. We are sometimes made to feel ‘odd’, as if we lack something. ‘Well, old so and so got over his wife’s death in eight months!’ Well good luck to old so and so. Well done. But us lesser mortals don’t find it as easy as that. And did so and so really get over it that quickly? Who knows. He may have given that appearance.
When in grief we become sensitive to others remarks and suggestions. Our minds are often in turmoil and thinking straight is nigh impossible. We hurt easily and unfortunate remarks can cut deep.
This can get to the point where we have difficulty in facing the world, so we back off into our shell and lose touch with people. It happens! No one can ‘make’ anyone move on, but useful suggestions as on this site can sometimes help. To see others in a similar situation, and know they are beginning to emerge just a little from the pain, can be encouraging.
But it’s in our own way and in our own time that we will perhaps see some light. Who knows. Blessings.
.

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Dear Supersnad, I’m sorry to hear about your feelings of depression. You’re not alone in this. There’s no timescale for grief and no one way to deal with it. If you’re taking antidepressants your GP has probably already mentioned counselling, which might be worth a try if you haven’t already. It helps some of us just to talk through our feelings with a person trained to listen and respond appropriately.

I was talking this morning with a friend whose husband died a year ago, quite soon after I lost mine. We spoke about being lonely. We still are, though people tell each of us that we’re ‘doing well’ because we smile and say we’re fine and we get out and about. Underneath, we’re not, though. It’s hard to admit feeling to lonely to others who aren’t in our situation, mainly because what can they do about it? Nothing can bring back our loved ones.

I miss my husband so much. And I can’t complain of nothing to do and nowhere to go because I have family and friends but it doesn’t stop the loneliness, especially in the evening.

Lately I’ve begun to wonder about getting involved in voluntary activities, whether it would help to provide a purpose. Does anyone have any thoughts about that?

Take care everyone. Xx

Hi Alison
I’ll keep this short,as i just wanted to say,i could have wrote your message,as i feel exactly the same way as yourself ,when i’m in company.It makes you wonder how many people there are, that you see daily,with the same problems,but don’t let on just the same way as we do.
Counselling wouldn’t be helpful to me,because i’m sceptical.If the person i spoke to hadn’t been through what i’ve been through,then i wouldn’t really be up to listening to somone who hadn’t felt the pain.I had a bit of a chat with a GP many years ago about my depressive thoughts and i might as well have been talking to the wall.
Thanks for your response,as it helps.
Brian

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