It’s been 11 weeks since my husband died. The nights are the worst. They are so long and lonely especially when I only sleep a couple hours at a time. I have a few close friends and family I can call during the evenings but it’s too quiet at night and my mind won’t let me sleep. I am worried about my future and what I will do to support myself and my 2 dogs. I am limited to what options I have for employment due to my own medical issues and the job opportunities in the area I live. I am scared.
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Hi SadandAlone
I’m so sorry for your loss. The sleepless nights, longing and loneliness and worries about the future are all things people on this community understand only too well.
It’s 24 weeks for me since my partner died and, although better now, I felt like I hardly slept for weeks in the early months.
Although I constantly felt exhausted, I would start to feel anxious in the evenings because I dreaded going to bed and the thought of the night of tears and worry ahead of me.
A friend of mine encouraged me to go to the GP. They prescribed small amounts of mild sleeping tablets with regular appointments to go back and chat. The first week I took one most nights and it was such a relief to have some sleep and a break from the relentless thoughts in my head. Since then, I only take one if I am really struggling or upset but it reassures me to know that they are there if I need them.
Other than that, I try to go to bed at the same time every night. I take a herbal tea for sleep up with me and put a quiz show on my iPad to fall asleep to. I also find sleep music like waves crashing helpful. I put it on my phone with a timer to switch off.
Writing your thoughts and worries down and maybe a plan for the next day may also release some anxiety before bed.
Be kind to yourself. Your whole world has changed in the worst way. Try to take it one day at a time. It sounds like you have some family and friends you can turn to. Reach out for help from them and us too.
Sending lots of love and hugs x
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Yes I have always woke up at night so I just do something until I nod off again. I take one anti depressants which is supposed to make you sleepy. I also listen to water sounds sometimes by asking Alexa. When I am lonely ask her to answer questions. Sad I suppose but at least sometimes she comes up with some ideas. Very useful for reminders.
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I too lost my wonderful partner very suddenly, to a cardiac arrest, only 4 weeks ago. I don’t know what to do. I’m crying all the time, feel sick, can’t sleep for long. I have friends popping in and my son checking in staying with me when he can. But am so alone and so very scared, we had plans for our future, he’d only just retired and we were going to move away and I was going to semi retire too. I’m lost and frightened. I just want him back. It doesn’t seem real. The funeral is in 10 days and I’m not ready to say goodbye.
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Hi LJ. G
I’m so sorry. I can hear how shocked and scared you are feeling. It’s so awful to lose your partner so suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s so raw and new for you right now and the way you are feeling is understandable and sounds very familiar to everyone on here.
Losing your partner is devastating. Your whole life has changed in an instant snd the person you most rely on and closest to is no there with you.
Try to take it hour by hour, day by day. Be very kind to yourself. Nothing and no one can take your pain away but lean on others for support or ask for time alone if you want it. It sounds like you have family and friends that are there for you.
Sending you a big, big hug. You are not alone. X
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Hi Plop
Thank you for your reply, it’s the nights that really get to me. I feel so alone, crying myself to sleep, that’s if I get any sleep. I just get awful knots in my stomach, the pain inside is so intense. He was my everything, we met only 5 years ago but fell in love immediately. He was such a wonderful person, everything he did was to make sure I felt loved and happy, we just loved each other so much. The future does scare me. I’m able to talk to friends but once they’re gone , the loneliness comes back and all different emotions in waves
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It sounds like you shared such a happy and loving relationship. It feels very scary being alone and although you have people that love and care for you, nobody can take his place or give you back the future that you planned.
I feel the same way. I have recently retired and we were about to live the life we have worked so hard for and looked forward to.
Try not to think too far ahead for now. You need time for what has happened to sink in even though you don’t want it to. If you have practical worries you can’t ignore, is there someone you can ask to help?
The nights were very hard for me too for the first few months. I felt I hardly slept. I would get very anxious about going to bed as the evening went on as I knew I would not sleep and would get very upset and overwhelmed by the thoughts going round in my head. A friend encouraged me to go to the GP who gave me a small amount of sleeping tablets which I took for a week. It was such a relief to sleep and switch off for a few hours. Now I have a few to keep incase I have a bad night. I rarely need one but it helps to know they are there. My sleep is now better most of the time.
I know how hard it is, as do others on here. Keep sharing if it helps. X
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Wondering what type of sleeping tablets your GP prescribed?
I ditto the dread and my sleep is so awful. Most nights 3 to 4 hrs if I am lucky. An the other night got 5hrs but think this was pure exhaustion.
I have been prescribed melatonin. Started on 1 tablet and advised to up to 2 tablets. I think they have helped with PTSD’s but not sleep.
I am asking as I am due to speak to surgery Friday with update. I think I would benefit from a different type. I would like to get some consistant days of sleep and then hopefully get a pattern. But it may be that they just don’t work for me, I know that can happen to some people. I know none of the over counter stuff worked and I double dosed!
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Hi Absent
I have been prescribed zopiclone.
You can take 1 or 2 tablets. One works for me. It makes me feel pleasantly drowsy and I fall asleep within 30 minutes to an hour and usually sleep right through with no dreams.
I hope you find something that helps you. No sleep makes everything harder to bear. Xx
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Thanks
I think she treated the PTSD’s but not the sleep.
I was a complete wreck when I first spoke to surgery. Couldn’t even do a face to face! So maybe she was worried about giving me proper sleeping tablets. But I feel I would really benefit from some block days of sleep.
I will suggest it when I speak on Friday.
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Sending you strength and support. Let us know how you get on. X
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I am so sorry to read your post ,it’s very similar to my situation although I no longer work as retired. We were just settling into what I thought would be a happy retirement with so many plans ,all now gone. I completely understand your fear loneliness and struggle with sleep. I can’t sleep for more than a hour or two at a time either. I wish I had some great advise to give but I haven’t. The only thing I can suggest is the times whenbuou feel you can’t cope or sleep call a help line . The samaritans are there 24/7 and will listen . There are many others that offer free ears to listen without judgement. Also tell your family and friends how badly you struggle too. Don’t try to cope alone. This is a dreadful time in ours and many others lives and you need to keep communicating however you can. Join as many help forums for grieving as possible . I wish you eventual peace and acceptance .
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Hi,
Sending you my hugs. I also lost my husband suddenly last year, now 26 weeks without him. I knew him for 40 years & married 34 years. Like you, I am blessed to have a circle of good friends and also family for support, but the evenings/night times still feel lonely. I also have a little dog, without her by my side being my absolute rock, I think I would have been lost. It was a total shock, I felt numb, brain fog, unable to sleep or eat properly, and like you anxious for my future. We were 9 years away from retirement, and looking forward to not rushing about & taking more holidays in our caravan, and all those dreams were taken away in a blink.
I can see you have already had some really helpful comments. Trying to think and feel how you are going to navigate each day as “me” rather than “us” is a difficult path. I often heard be kind to yourself, which didn’t sink in for many weeks as I was always the one looking out for everyone else. However that is true, and you will reach that day when you are ready. It definitely is “take one day at a time”. A wave comes over and you can’t do anything, and then the next is slightly better. I try my best not to get anxious as every day is different. I am currently on Sertraline which I think has helped me. I try to keep to routines, like time for bed & getting up, that doesn’t always work, it can be exhausting, maybe its just the trauma of going through this.
To cope with the evenings I started journalling, I ‘talk’ to my husband and tell him what has happened that day, how I’m feeling & silly things that I know he would have laughed at. Having a pad by my bed has helped me if I wake up at 2 or 3 & start worrying, my brain goes round in circles, jotting down those thoughts help to get them out of my head.
My GP also referred me to their mental health practitioner, who I speak to & through them they referred me to Talking Therapies. Besides just having specialists to help with anxiety & stress I was also able to speak to someone more connected with employment which was very helpful.
On a practical note, after being on SSP and that ended I found I could claim for New Style ESA which is not means tested, it is based on National Insurance contributions. Not sure if that is worth you looking into to help with financial support.
Take care xx
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Your grief is so raw just now. I’m five months into mine, my partner died suddenly. For me the funeral was a formality, not about saying goodbye, because he’ll always be with me in my heart. He was Greek Orthodox so he had an Orthodox funeral and burial. Some of his family came from Cyprus which was good. When you’ve truly loved someone they stay with you for ever. It may get easier over time but part of me died with him.
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Thank you. I do hope he’s by my side. I need strength from somewhere, I can only take one day at a time, if I think about any future, I just break down 
. The pain in me is so real, I just worry about being so anxious all the time, he was my everything. I’m so sorry for your loss too, I will keep reading messages of support as it does comfort me. Thank you. Lj
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I diffinately became anxious, lost my confidence, even panic attacks!! All alien to me before my loss.
BUT nearly 6mths in I am starting to feel those feelings less. Thinking now it is all part of this grief process!
It is such a massive shock how we change whilst trying to take in the reality that they are no longer on this earth.
Diffinately not something you can try to explain to anyone unless they go through it.
Just go gentle. You’re not going mad it is severe grief!!!
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So sorry for your loss. It gives me some comfort to hear from others going through this devastating process. Losing a partner is very different from even the grief of losing my parents and sibling. No one to cuddle up to and tell you everything will be alright. The loneliness at nighttime can be unbearable. I get so exhausted but find it so hard to sleep properly.
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I totally agree with you. My husband passed away 4 weeks ago and the nights are so lonely and long. It is these times that I feel guilty, angry at everyone getting on with their lives whilst mine has ended. I hope you get some rest soon x
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I get those feelings too. Friends have asked me to stay over with them but I just can’t, as they’re couples, it breaks my heart to be alone. People mean well but losing your partner is devastating, your whole life has changed forever. The future we dreamt about has gone and I’m so scared of that, I have to take one day at a time. People say be kind to yourself and I would say that to you. I’m only 4 weeks in and am inconsolable at times. I hope we can find some comfort from these messages. My heart aches. I’m so sorry for your loss and you’re having to go through this too. Am thinking of you.
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