lonliness after the loss of your partner/soulmate

My life is so lonely since the loss of my partner of 38 years. Although I have family none of them seem to care. I have had to make so many drastic changes from going out 4 times a week (I work the other 3) to not going out at all. We would travel miles come rain or shine to enjoy the things we both loved to do. Visit charity shops or antique centres to buy items to sell on again in cabinets. It was only pin money but its what kept us going. Our interest in life which took us to many new places. I used to think wow its good to be alive. Now all that is gone along with the loss of Alan. Everyday was like a holiday. Now all I want is to be near him, with him instead of living (existing) in this awful lonely life. The only things my family are interested in is drink, drugs and mobile phones. They don’t live in the real world. Alan passed away on the 4th May this year after being in hospital since 8th January. I visited him everyday for between 8 and 10 hours and helped to feed him when he was unable to do so. My eldest son visited to start with then stopped. My middle son didn’t go to start with and our youngest son who doesn’t drive went either once or twice a week. Alans son visited him twice and his daughter not at all. Out of 18 grandchildren and great grandchildren there were 3 who visited. My sister went once. That really made me sad. I sit here in the house but no one phones. My eldest doesn’t even answer half the time if I text. My middle son came back home while Alan was in hospital as he was being made homeless from his previous address which was a drug den. Although he says he doesn’t do drugs you wouldn’t live in all that squalor lest you did. Plus he’s very moody as is my eldest as well as being paranoid. I’ve had horrible text messages off both these sons some while Alan was in hospital. My life seems to be getting lonelier with no hope of enjoying life again.

Hello daisy-janet
I am so sorry that you have lost your partner and that your family is not as supportive as you would like. Sometimes life seems so hard but then was it ever meant to be easy all of the time? I very seldom see my children or grandchildren and it used to make me both sad and cross but I have grown to accept the loneliness and now I drift through the days more peacefully. Society has changed so much and people’s priorities have altered…everyone is so busy that they don’t have time to stop and care…one day they too will be old and alone and then they will understand! In the meantime just believe in yourself and know that there is a season for everything…somehow we survive and the love we shared never dies. Take care x

Thank-you for your kind words. The days are so long and I can’t face going out. Just been to charity shop which is a couple of minutes walk from where I live and I ended up in tears on way back and couldn’t get back to my “prison” quick enough. I am supposed to be going back to work in 2 weeks which I’m dreading as I don’t think I will cope very well. I have stopped thinking someone is coming to see me when I hear cars pulling up as who would come and see me. I used to sit looking at my phone thinking someone will ring or text me but it doesn’t happen. I have stopped carrying it round with me now. I don’t mind the peace. Alan and I always enjoyed the quiet life. But loneliness is a different thing. He was always the more outgoing one, he could talk to anyone. I’ve never really been a sociable sort of person. Even at work I was never really interested in joining in, although I did, but I couldn’t wait to get home to be with my Alan. They were long 10 hour days Saturday and Sunday so I would phone him at about 2.45 to talk to him so that is another hurdle which will be hard to overcome. I get so fed up with sitting around virtually not doing very much. Every day I tell myself I will get up earlier tomorrow and do such a thing but it never happens. Thank-you again for your concern. X

Hi daisy-janet.
I like that. ‘I drift through the days more peacefully’. Thanks AG. Have you ever done guided meditation? It has helped me. You are sitting in a boat. You have oars but they are not in use, because the river is very slow moving. You just drift. You allow the river, (of life),to take you where it will. There may be rocks ahead but we can steer round those and drift on.
Closing your eyes and walking slowly along a country lane in the mind is also helpful. Anything that gives just a little peace is so important.
Other thoughts will drift in. Don’t fight them off, just allow them to cross your mind like clouds passing across the sky. Meditation is never easy even when we have no problems. As we are, it’s even more difficult and not for everyone. Take care.

Hello Jonathan No I have never done meditation but your words did seem kind of relaxing. Thank you for your kindness and maybe I should try it as it has helped you. Take care.

You can get some relaxing CD’s about guided mediation. As I said, it’s not for everyone. You have to come out of it at some time and that can be traumatic in itself. Facing the real world hurts!
But if you persist, maybe you will begin to look forward to your quiet moments.
You can’t stop memories, but you can learn to manage them. Not to be so upset by them. Good and bad times are the cycle of life. We rejoice in good times and so often we take them for granted.And so it comes as a blow when we lose someone close. We are so unprepared for loss.
Life is infinite. We humans as we are now are not. We are finite beings. But what we really are, the love and life we have, overcomes all obstacles of the fear and trauma we all feel now.
You know, deep down, that nothing can extinguish the love you have. Hold on to that thought. Love is a ppositive emotion. Anger, hate, anxiety and fear are all negative.

Once again the message got partially sent. I did not press the reply button. It’s not my computer. Does anyone else have this problem?

Thank you Jonathan. Many years ago Alan and I had some relaxing cassettes before CD’s were all the rage. I remember one particularly which was like in a rainforest. We listened to them quite a lot in the car. It is strange you saying you can’t stop memories as I said to a friend today it’s a shame you can’t just erase your memories because they are what makes you hurt inside. She, like you, said that one day those memories will be nice to look back on without causing so much pain. Nothing will ever take away my love for Alan and I wouldn’t want it to. I am trying my hardest to get through a day without crying but today wasn’t as good as yesterday. I just felt quite weepy today. I think I will look out for some nice relaxing rainforest type music. Thank you Jonathan.

Time is 6.45 am sitting at the computer, turning my head towards Richards bedroom opposite with his door left wide open, his now empty bedroom while I am having my first cry of yet another day, been twelve weeks non stop for me while I said to Richard " been twelve weeks now, we have never been separated from each other in 20 years, this is our first time…"
The worst thing is, is it not a separation where I can count the days before he comes back home, this is a permanent separation that is going to get longer by the day…
Like everyone else on our forum, we still cant get to terms with this…

~ Jackie…

Yes I do Jonathan, it happens all the time to me. Very annoying.

Love Sandra

Hi I like this. I too am unbelievably lonely without my husband of thirty years I have no family and his are not close. I work but find everything so painful. When I can I do cloud gazing just staring and letting the pictures form. Perhaps I’m strange and it doesn’t always help because since he died I can’t relax. Bereavement is so individual. People say that you should join a club or take up a hobby easier said than done. We all try to cope in different ways but sometimes I just spend the whole weekend crying.

Hi I can identify with some of your experiences. They say time is a great healer but I am afraid I am not finding it so. I M not in the best of health but I still have to work. The weekends are sometimes a nightmare. If I didn’t have my little dog I would not speak to anyone all weekend. I am not expecting people to come and find me to be friendly. but it’s not easy to get out there. My husband and I did everything together and travelled a lot and I am so grateful that I have those memories I even go on holidays on my own but it’s so painful. Not a lot of people seem to want to talk to a woman alone. I only hope that I can somehow learn to really appreciate my memories without bursting into tears yet it’s been four years now and I still feel like it was yesterday . I wish you luck Daisy Janet and hope you find some light in life in fact I wish that for everyone. There are an awful lot of people going through this hell xxxx

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