My wife died almost 5 weeks ago after a very short illness. She was only 55 and we were together for 35 years. She was my soulmate and I feel so lost without her. I have found that the only way I can keep functioning is to only look at the coming day - trying to look any further ahead is just completely overwhelming for me. I want to look to the future but I just can’t see one at the moment. It has really helped me reading through some of the posts on here. Thank you to all those who have shared, it has made me feel a little less alone.
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Hello @Shadow25 Shadow, you have come to the right place. So sorry for your loss, and that you have joined this dreaded club.
Your pain and grief is raw at the moment, so just look to the here and now, not the future; that will come in due course. You are trying to deal with the shock and immediate overwhelming and unwanted change to your life.
Keep posting, and remember everything you are feeling at the moment is completely normal for this dreadful grief; there is no wrong or right.
It is okay to feel like this, and in time you will start to look a little more ahead, but for the moment, the ‘now’ is probably your priority, don’t rush anything. Tiny little baby steps.
One day, the future will appear very slowly and as surely as the sun rises in the east, but probably not yet, and that is okay.
You will cope and you will be fine, although it doesn’t feel like it at this moment.
Best wishes
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I think taking it one day at a time is the way to go.
I tried to plan days ahead but it didn’t work because you can never tell how you will feel in advance.
There’s no one size fits all plan for grieving.
I guess just get through the day and see what happens.
All the best.
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Thank you, yes I think baby steps for now is the right way. I feel bad because my sister is trying to get me to commit to Christmas plans but I just can’t look that far ahead at the moment, it seems to be taking all my energy just putting one foot in front of the other right now.
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Thank you. I think that’s the thing, days are so up and down that I just don’t feel as if I can commit to anything. Breaking the coming day down into little tasks seems to be getting me through for now so I think I’ll just keep on with that approach until the fog lifts a bit.
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Shadow, I am so sorry that your husband died. It is Earth shattering. Yes, numbness and one hour at a time in the fog is life now. It sucks.
Just tell your sister you can not commit to being ready for a holiday celebration because you do not know how you will be then. Besides, for me, making a commitment for the future makes me anxious and I worry about it. Not worth it.
If I can come, I will. If I can’t, I won’t. I’ll let you know before Christmas.
My sweet friend’s invite was pretty much, “please come, even if only for 1/2 hour, you can leave any time if is is too much to handle, but we would love to see you and send you home with some food. Just let me know the day before, as that is when I will set up the table.” No demands.
Sister, I can hardly plan lunch for today, please don’t ask me to make plans for a month from now, it is impossible. It stresses me, makes me anxious, and creates another chunk of panic on top of all else and I can’t handle it.
Unless she is a widow, she doesn’t get how the death of a husband or wife changes who we are, steals our brain and our mind, sends us into another dimension of fear, anxiety, grief, physical pain, panic, loneliness no one else can fill, and the need to be alone and quiet.
On the up side, by 9 weeks I did venture to a dinner party with some trepidation, but I had a great time and felt normal for a few hours. You may find that in a month, you can do this and even enjoy the gathering.
Much love.
Thanks. I know my sister means well it’s just that I don’t think she understands how hard it is to project into the future for me at the moment. It won’t even be 2 months since my wife died come Christmas and I just feel being in a family setting with lots of people is going to be way too much for me (and probably them!).