This is my 2ndeaster withouty husband we never use to go out except for a cuppa on bank holidays but we was always together on bank holidays i am not improving im just pinning and missing hubby so much. I feel im losing my way i have gone back to the stage i dont want to be at work or home i am waking up and going to bed thinkink about hubby 24 hours a day. I drive for a living and i feel there os no privacy as they have a camera in vehicle im crying all the time im waitng to see if they ask me whats wrong its none of there business. I feel there is nothing left for me anymore apart from mum i dont know how she copes as i lost dad 10 years ago and im still crying for dad i miss them so much. I wanted to grow old with hubby i hate shopping as i see older couples togeather that should of been us we should of grown old and passed away together like the movie the bicentennial man.when we caughted we was having chips one night in the car there was a couple sitting on a bench and smiled we always talked about them and growing old togeather like them one day we will be together again.
My wife passed away 6 weeks ago today and I miss her so much.
We spent over 60 years together of which nearly 58 were being married.
Since 9.38 on Saturday 8th March 2025, I’ve been living in a dream, never sure what day of the week it is or even what time.
I’m in a cycle of getting up anywhere between 6 and 6.30, cry, having cup of tea and toast, more crying, having a snack, more crying, have tea, cry, go to bed around 7 and watch tv, to try and stop crying. Usually turn tv off at 10 pm and read a couple of chapters. Say goodnight to my wife, who isn’t there which sets me off again. Usually wake at 2 and go to loo, then we start again on the next day, whatever that is.
Today was different with my second oldest granddaughter visiting me with her boyfriend.
Before she came, I popped to our local shop to get some shopping. I walked round the aisles crying, while getting some groceries. No one asked me what was the matter. When I got to the checkout, a bright bubbly young girl said the normal greeting of ‘how are you today’. I mumbled ok and she looked up embarrassed as if it was her fault. It wasn’t, but I find it easier not to say anything.
My granddaughter cooked me a lovely roast dinner and we chatted about the olden days. When they left about 5.30, their car had just about pulled out of our Close, when the floodgates opened. I went to bed at 6.15 to see if tv can stop me crying.
Tomorrow I have my son, his wife and two grandchildren coming to visit. It’ll be another day of me bottling things up until they go home.
I Know I’m not the first to go through this and certainly won’t be the last, but that doesn’t make it easier for me or anyone else with this sort of grief.
My only consolations are that we had 60 years together and she is now free of pain and at peace. When it’s my time, I shall gladly go. Having said that, I have to get on with what remains of my life, if nothing else for the sake of my children and grandchildren.
As someone said, grief is the price you pay for love. My 60 years of loving her is a costly price, but I must pay it. 
