Loosing mum and struggling

Wow it’s not only mental but a physical pain, a tightness in my chest constant nausea feelings, along with a million and one questions, with equally the same amount of WHAT IFS , So many failures were made and in my opinion not enough was done too prevent the rapid deterioration that myself and family members were witnessing with our mum. I totally understand my mums body and mind were tired and towards the end trying too get mum too eat and drink was near on impossible, mum had given up but I personally was not ready too let my go ,the burden she felt was massive my mum was 74 yrs old but did not look her age , she kept and maintained her youth so well and would receive many compliments from people, she had a kind loving nature and absolutely loved and appreciated the small things in life , her personality was good and she was a lover of lifeShe believed in god and lived her life doing the right things in life and following the commandments of the bible. I am constantly asking myself why her ending had too be so traumatic and if god is present why allow this too happen, why is it always the good that suffer, why could this horrendous illness be put onto such a beautiful kind lady, I tell myself too try and change my thought process but it’s impossible atm.
I am no stranger too loss and was broken in 95 too the death of my boyfriend, my unborn child’s father died six days before our son was born . Too go in too detail would take too long and too cut a very long story short I was able too heal and repair. However with mum it’s so different, she has always been my light and inspiration and out of anyone in this world she got me , our bond was very strong and she gave me all the love and support too help me deal with my boyfriends death without her I honestly don’t think I would have lived past 1995.
Today I live with so many regrets so much pain of always expecting mum too be around and never thought her life would be taken in such cruel way. Mum still had many years left, both her mum and dad lived into their 90s I always believed mum would be the same , it just should of never happened it wasn’t mums time I just can’t get my head around it.
I feel my thoughts racing as I’m writing this I just hope any readers can make sense of what I’ve wrote.

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Hi , I’m really sorry for your loss i do understand your pain and the feeling of life is cruel and unfair . My mum passed away a few months ago to pancreatic cancer we were really close and even though i knew she was ill it all happened very quickly .

At first i felt i was doing okay my mind just seemed to focus on jobs that needed doing but then the grief hit me really hard i felt sick my mind was blank i lost concentration to be honest it really scared me i had never experienced anything like it .

We were like best friends i really miss her i know this message might not help with your pain but please remember there is support and i really do know how you feel .

If you want to message me back feel free i’m happy to chat and listen i only joined this website a few days but it has helped me reading the messages hopefully it will be of some support to you as well .


Alot of what you say resonates with me. My mum was 74, energetic and funny, and I believed she would also live till her early 90s like her mum.

She looked after my daughter and the doctor had described her as being as strong as an ox.

And it just went so quickly wrong. A small mini stroke which left mum with nothing but a bit of memory loss which the doctor said would be fully back in a few months. Then 13 days later a massive brain haemorrhage out of the blue which rendered mum unconscious immediately and dead within hours.

It’s 2 and a half years now but I’ve nowhere near come to terms with how your life can be turned upside down overnight.

What happened to your mum?


Hi, this sounds so familiar to me too. My mum was also 74 and energetic and I thought she would go on for so much longer. She was mis diagnosed with bowel cancer , which was missed for sooo long,that she only had a week to live when they eventually took her to hospital. I wonder how doctors can get it so wrong?? I looked after her for so long once she was widowed,saw her every day,she looked after my daughter ,and also had sleepovers with her. She died 6 months ago and I have been struggling with the hole in my life . My life has been such a rollercoaster of Emotions lately,I see no end to it . :pleading_face:

Hi Sarah

Same with me. My dad died when he was 53 so for 20 years it was me and mum then my daughter who was 12 when mum died.

I can honestly say I’m still in shock and I will forever feel let down that my mum only reached 74.

My friends have mums going strong who are in their late 80s and I feel cheated.

Cheryl x

Hi Cheryl, my daughter was also 12 when mum died,and they were so close she took it so.hard I was scared for her for a while. My brother wanted nothing to do with her or me so left me to deal with everything on my own. When you spread yourself so thin and you don’t get help from immediate family it’s tough isn’t it .I mean it’s tough anyway, which is when you need family around to help.you know ?? I feel cheated that she will never see either of my girls grow up . It still feels so raw 6 months down the line.

Sarah xx

It will get better sarah. It’s 3 years for us in June so we are living a normal life, but the underlying sadness never leaves me. My daughter is now nearly 15 and we don’t talk about mum often as we just end up crying.

It’s so cruel and unfair on them.

I was in my mid 20s when I lost my nans, yet my daughter now has no grandparents.

My school offered counselling to my daughter but it then got put on hold due to Covid and when we were approached again my daughter turned it down.

6 months is still a very short time. I was off work for almost 6 months so don’t expect too much of yourself x

Thanks so much Cheryl I have just been signed off for 2 weeks cos I’ve struggled on with life , putting on a brave face to the rest of the world. Something had to give eventually I suppose 🤷. Xxx

Oh it’s so hard Sarah. In the early days I cared about nothing. Whether I lived or died. I tried counselling but hated it.

In the end I went back to work, started to enjoy little things again and stopped being so down as it was ruining my partner and daughters lives.

Now I’m still sad but I hide it alot and I really try to make the best of things. I know I will never be the same again without my mum and I know I will always feel her loss every day but I’m trying to live the best life I can.

Stay off work if you need to and don’t go back till your ready x

I too have been hiding it a lot,even sitting in carparks crying 🤦. I wish there was a group where people like us could meet up and talk in person. I think it would help so much more xxx

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I know. None of my friends really understand. I have made some lovely contacts on this site in our shared grief for our parents. We are all over the country and even the world so we have never met in person but we have been chatting for nearly 3 years now.

I got so sick of the stupid clichés like ‘your mum is watching over you’ that I stopped talking about my mum. I prefer to pretend and then come to this site to read comments from people who really do understand.

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Aww bless you and thanks for your reply, today has been a really hard day and I just wonder how the hell I can ever feel normal again, I think I’m still in the total numb stage but constant thoughts taking over my thinking.
We still have two weeks until the funeral and I can honestly say I’m dreading it. I find myself questioning life and what the hell it’s all about I just can’t get away from the darkness. X

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Hi to you all
I’ve been reading your messages and it’s so close to how I’m coping after losing my mum 7 months ago, even now I’m still struggling I too go through each day still feeling sad, guilt is still so raw it just eats away at me, feeling I can’t move forward with anything as I fear I’m leaving mum behind :broken_heart: I miss her so much :cry: no one truly understands how you feel unless they’ve experienced a loss of a loved one, I was told its your own grief and you manage it the best way you can, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of each of your loved ones it’s a journey even though we feel we’re travelling it alone being on here does help to know your not the only one.
Lynn xx

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Thinking of you Lynn.

As bad as I often still feel, I hope I can reassure you all that things do improve, now that I am further into this journey than you all are.

The sadness never goes but the rawness of it all does and it can often like I dreamt it all.

Thinking of you as you come to terns with your losses.

Cheryl x

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