I lost mum yesterday morning,I feel such guilt I was unable to be with her or unable to visit before due to lock down. I didn’t want to put her at risk & I was respecting the rules. Now I wish I hadn’t.
She was in pain & suffering for the last few years and had lost her dignity at not being able to look after herself. I know she was struggling to live day to day.
I knew this day would come and I suppose I tried to distance myself as I found it difficult see her in that way & my children did too.
I had a mixed relationship with her due to a trauma I had as a child and I did not feel she protected me even those I told her what was happening she did not believe me & I think I never forgave her. It was always between us even though we loved each other very much.
I just wish I could speak to her one last time & hold her. xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss Sharla, I feel your pain. I lost my dad on Monday. I’m in bits, he was my best friend. My family is falling apart, I worry for my mother and younger siblings immensely. My mum and dad were never apart, they had no social life outside of family. I have never felt pain like this and don’t see how I will ever get over this. My dad was 56yrs old, I feel robbed, I’m 35yrs old and never imagined losing a parent this young. I just want you to know you are not suffering alone, and sincerely hope your grief eases.
Hello Sharla I absolutely feel your pain. I lost my Mum recently too and we had a similar experience in my childhood which came out later on in life. It was always there between us even though we didn’t talk about it. Not being able to talk to them one last time and say the things we wished we had been able to say when they were still with us is a normal way to think but also one which does us no good at all. I know it’s normal to beat ourselves up but you must try to understand she would not want you to be tortured by this. This covid has added to our feelings of guilt which again are unnecessary as it was not our fault and I too didn’t go and help my Mum when she was very much struggling. I think I could have done now looking back but at the time I was told to stay in and stay in I did. So I get what you’re saying and feel your pain and anguish. I’m trying to remember the good and not the bad and hope she does now understand more than she did when she was alive. Our consciousness goes on so she will know. Big hugs. RP
Thank you for your kind reply. I’m 45 so it does also feel young to loose a parent. My children are 15 & 16 so such difficult years and to have this to cope with on top of COVID & loss of school/college.
Mum & Dad we’re together since teenagers & they are both 71 so I do worry how he’ll cope although caring for her in more recent years has been absolutely exhausting him so he must have a mixture of feelings.
Not sure how the funeral will be with current restrictions ? I’m not even sure if we are allowed to sing or have a wake.
Thanks RP. I feel it has affected my life & relationships although I have always tried what happened to me as a child to not define me & I’ve been so determined to achieve in life as a result. I’m a partner on an accountancy practice & it did make mum incredibly proud but has taken time & energy away from her as work & a hubby & children were demanding enough.
She had Dad to care for her but he isn’t naturally domesticated and so whenever I did visit i was just cleaning and do didn’t really have that much time to chat with her. She had the nurses going in every other day to bandage her legs too so she was quite lucky to have so much attention. But my sister lives away so I didn’t have the support as much as if she lived near.
She was a big lady & I always resented the fact that if she had lost the weight & had a hip op she wouldn’t have been effectively trapped in her own body & would have had more time with us.
Thanks for sharing RP it’s good to know someone else understands. Xx
Hi again Sharla. Your experience runs very parallel with mine as my Mum was trapped in her own body too both physically and mentally yet she never showed any understanding of my mental problems caused by the childhood experience. I had counselling once as I was so angry with her but could never have told her so believe me I do understand how you are feeling now. All the guilt whether it’s warranted or not just keeps coming into your mind when you actually only did the best that you could at the time with the knowledge you had at that time. Be kind to yourself as I am trying to be and I also think she now only has love for you and does not judge you as a human mind may have done. Hope you understand what I mean. big hugs RP x
xxx