I lost mum yesterday morning,I feel such guilt I was unable to be with her or unable to visit before due to lock down. I didn’t want to put her at risk & I was respecting the rules. Now I wish I hadn’t.
She was in pain & suffering for the last few years and had lost her dignity at not being able to look after herself. I know she was struggling to live day to day.
I knew this day would come and I suppose I tried to distance myself as I found it difficult see her in that way & my children did too.
I had a mixed relationship with her due to a trauma I had as a child and I did not feel she protected me even those I told her what was happening she did not believe me & I think I never forgave her. It was always between us even though we loved each other very much.
I just wish I could speak to her one last time & hold her. xxx