I’ve recently lost my dad (2 months ago), just can’t get my head around the fact that he’s gone, gone forever.
In my head it’s that he’s at work and he’ll be back soon but deep down I know that he’s not ever coming back.
But I need to find ways to have in my head that’s he’s gone forever to override the fact that he’s at work because he’s not at work he’s dead.
But I think if his death was in a different way (knowing he was going to die) I would be like expecting it I would be able to handle this a bit better, but him having a haemorrhage whilst he’s sleeping is a shock to me and he didn’t even know he wasn’t going to wake up.
And then it’s the after thoughts that make it worse, “hes never going to walk me down the asle, he’s never going to meet his grandchildren, he’s never going to see me achieve everything in life”
Like I thoght going to his grave would make something in my brain click that he’s not here anymore he’s 6ft under and like I even helped clean out his flat, I have loads of his stuff and it still hasn’t clicked in my head and I just can’t deal with that no more.
Can someone please give me ways to do this because im thinking about going to counselling but I really don’t want to
@lay11222 im so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad too completely unexpectedly- he was only 64 and i got a call to say he’d gone. I was only 27 at the time so i too had all those same thoughts of he wont ever walk me down the aisle etc. He had only just retired and had so much he wanted to do in his retirement
2 months is still really recent and what you are feeling is totally normal. Because of the shock of the sudden loss, your brain may be protecting you. I dont think there is any single “click” that happens - in my experience the realisation comes in small trickles, because if we were hit with the stark reality all at once it would be too much to bear. As you say, you know deep down he has gone, and you are already recognising the things you wont be able to share with him in the future, so your brain IS processing your loss. But its a gradual process. You dont lose someone once, you lose them every time you go to call them and realise you cant, or every time you see their coat still hanging on the door.
Plus from a purely scientific perspective when someone dies your brain literally has to rewire itself, because someone who was hard wired in as part of your world suddenly isnt there anymore. Its like a sat nav having to update its map of the world. That doesnt happen instantly. Your head is trying to work out whats happened.
I lost my Dad over 20 years ago but am now coping with losing Mum just 14 months ago, and from my personal experience whilst i know shes gone i still dont fully know it - part of me still believes i just MIGHT hear her voice when i walk in the door. So please be patient with yourself - grief is a long road and you can only take it one small step at a time
Is there a particular reason why you really dont want counselling ? Counselling isnt for everyone but ive certainly found it to be a great support. If the thought of one to one therapy seems too intense, another option might be looking for bereavement support groups in your local area. Its a good way to feel less isolated and to support each other.
@lay11222 Hi, I am sorry to hear about your dad and what you have been feeling is completely normal and I know it seems a lot but trust me things will change in a few months, trust yourself and trust your dad that he will make things better.
I lost my mom in October of 2024, I was 25 years old and mom was just 56, no health concerns, nothing but she passed away so suddenly in 5 mins got a cardiac arrest at 2 AM. I was a mess, didn’t know how to live ,survive in this world. She was everything and I had breakdowns and outbursts since then followed by nightmares and Stomach aches. I thought something will happen to me.
I went for counselling and had few good sessions but then had an outburst on her and left. All I can say going to counselling is your personal choice, they will tell you to take a vacation, practice meditation and yoga, write a letter to your dad about everything you wanted to tell him. Or last option put you on long term medication which I was against so I had an outburst
My mom won’t be at my marriage too in the future and thinking about that made me sick, overthinking doesn’t help. For me going to a temple once a week or twice a month helps. I went for a vacation recently and had a squirrel come to me so I fed that and I started seeing everything as a sign of mom near me.
My mom was everything and I had the same thought if she had any illness i would have coped better but accepting the reality is important and it takes time, concentrate on yourself next few months.
I have been on platform getting help from strangers and it helped me better, a mom from london understood my pain and helped me so if you want my DM is always open if you want to talk it out
