Hi I am new to this but I lost my mam 4 weeks ago to cancer. It was the worst day of my life and the worst 2 and a half years since her diagnosis. Nothing was ever simple she had problem after problem during treatment. We were unable to enjoy time she had left due to constantly chasing professionals about appointments and treatment that unfortunately was too late. I also have massive guilt that she messaged me telling me she felt awful and when I asked how she didn’t reply and she passed away later that night. If I had called her or went to see her could I have helped in any way. She was in hospital at the time so thought she was in safe hands. If she was at home would this have happened. We never actually got an answer to what happened as she was fine in the afternoon then had deteriorated rapidly by the night time. Doctors didn’t even know what had happened. There are so many what ifs that are driving me crazy. I miss her so much but the guilt I have is stopping me grieving. It still doesn’t feel real.
Hi B3th,
I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum.
I lost my own dad recently and I can relate to your post as everything since dad’s diagnosis was chaotic and I feel a lot of guilt.
It is natural to think that your mother was in safe hands with the hospital. I am sure you did your best, although if you are the person who has lost a loved one it is sometimes difficult to accept that that there was nothing more you could do.
I have felt huge amounts of guilt during my father’s illness and more so after he died. A few weeks after diagnosis dad ended up confused and spent two weeks in the hospital. Dad hated being in hospital and asked me everyday to get him home. Whilst he was there they did scans, one session of radiotherapy at a different hospital and a bone marrow biopsy. They wheeled him back after a scan and he was in agony I’ll never forget it. Dad didn’t want to do any of these tests but I encouraged him to as doctors told us it was important. None of it helped and it just caused him pain.
Dad wanted to die at home but he was agitated and confused and ended up dying in hospice. I still don’t know why he died.
The counsellor that I have seen has said that guilt is a common reaction after someone has passed away. Some days it feels worse than others. These questions and feelings of guilt, sadness and anger just go round in a loop.
You are not alone. Having a very bad day today where it feels as heavy as the day I lost dad just crying and longing to hear his voice.
Sending love.
Hi Katherine86,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am so sorry about your Dad life is very cruel and unfair and takes the best people first.
It sounds like you did your very best for your dad which he would have greatly appreciated. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one doing something sometimes as they are just another number in the system with ultimately one outcome.
You did as the doctors said which is a normal response from anyone as you want to trust them. This may have helped them decide the best outcome of possible treatments for your dad. Don’t ever feel guilty for that.
Sometimes things are out of your control and if your dad was confused and agitated this would have been very difficult to manage at home. The most important thing is for a person to receive the best possible care at the worst time wherever that place may be.
I know exactly how you feel and it eats you up. Your dad and my mam would not want this for us.
My inbox is open anytime. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Much love x
Hi B3th,
Thanks for your reply. Yes, it was frustrating from the get go with dad’s diagnosis as they told us they thought it was a new cancer as the original one doesn’t tend to metastestise like this. I spent so much time trying to chase up appts between his existing team and the hospital who were conducting the investigations for unknown cancer (we were later told it was the original cancer). It was stressful beyond words as the clock was ticking and dad was declining (I hoped he would be able to have treatment to extend his life).
I felt like I was the only person to get things moving sometimes and as you say dad otherwise just a number in the system. I feel like doctors made things worse, they told us it would be unrelated to the existing cancer (wrong opinion) and as a result were just left with prolonged stress with no idea what was happening.
Dad wanted to die at home but with the level of confusion and him wandering around we couldn’t keep him safe but I honestly thought he would improve and come out of the hospice. I have second guessed every decision I made but I tried my best and I know dad would hate me feeling any guilt, he would tell me I did a good job taking care of him.
Yesterday and today the concerns about mum have set in too. My parents were married for nearly 50 years and dad did everything since they retired. Mum has lost many of her skills so no idea how she will cope without him. I have always been independent and liked living on my own and had my job (still have it but taking a break) but no idea how she will deal with life without dad. Very daunting to think of a future without dad and my mum navigating life without him.
My inbox is always open too if you want to chat. Thank you for your words.
Xxx