Loosing my mum and childhood home

I live in Nottingham, but I am originally from Stoke-on-Trent. I have lived in Nottingham for nearly 18 years. I moved here originally to be with my now husband and we have 2 children. When I moved here back in 2004 I left my mum who was living in my original family home alone as my dad had died 12 months before. Sadly my mum died just over 12 months ago, and I have until now been able to cope with things as I thought that I would be letting out the house, but I now find it difficult to go back to house as it has so many memories. My husband want me to sell the house so that we can pay off our morgage, and up until now I was determined to rent it out, but now I am thinking that maybe it would be better to sell it and have closure. Which is all well and good, but the anxiety it is causing me to let the house go is really tipping me over the edge. I feel so bereft all over again and it is making me unwell with anxiety. I have asked advice off so many people that I am now stressed, not sleeping at night and I can’t see any end to this. This has got to be the worst thing I have every had to go through. I know that I have to make a decision at some point as I am now paying for my house and my mums which can’t go on, but I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I cry myself to sleep and wake up miserable. I don’t know how to cope or what to do. I feel pressure from my mum’s neighbours and from my husband. It is horrible. I really need some advice as to how I can get out of this horrible time in my life. I am terrified to let my mums’ house go because once it’s gone it’s gone, but something has to give before I just can’t take the pain anymore. How do let go of the one place that I have always felt safe and happy in, but which is now making me miserable and ill? I just don’t want to get up in the morning and I don’t want to go to sleep at night. I just want it all to stop, but I need help and support.

Hello @ClaireCA ,

I’m Seaneen, the Online Community Manager. I can see that you are new to the community - thank you for starting this thread and sharing how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. Many of us here have lost someone close and will be able to understand some of how you’re feeling right now.

I can hear how conflicted you are about selling your mum’s house, and this is totally understandable. You mention that you would really like someone’s advice - hopefully someone who has similar experiences will be along to support you soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share some resources which might be able to help:

We also offer free online counselling at Sue Ryder, if you think it could be helpful to talk this through with someone.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Please do keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Seaneen

This is only my opinion but I would think what would mum want me to do. You have all your memories in your heart. Sell the house pay off the mortgage and then the stress will lift. At the end of the day you need to make the decision but you need to do it soon so you can get some sleep. Take care x

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Dear Claire,

I know exactly what you are talking about. When my husband died eight years ago I had been thinking of moving somewhere smaller but I just cannot let go of our home. We were married in 1967 and my new husband carried me over the threshold. What I am getting at is that our two sons, now 50 and 52 are begging me to sell my home and move somewhere smaller and a bit nearer to where they live but I don’t want to and I asked them what was the reason for them pestering me to sell as they could be with me in an hour if I needed them.

The answer surprised me, they told me that if anything ever happened to me it would break their hearts to have to empty the house they called home from being born in 1970 and 1973 and the thought of it upsets them very much.

So I can totally understand how you are feeling, but then again, if selling the house enables you to pay off the mortgage on yours and your husbands home then I would say do it. You have to think about your own and your children’s future too and to be honest, that is what parents buy their own home for, hopefully to leave it to their children to make a difference in their lives.

I have photos of the house I was born in, I have photos of the house my late husband was born in and they are in a photo album. So many childhood memories are made but at the end of the day, it is now time for you, your husband and children to make your own memories and by not having a mortgage, it will make your lives so much easier.

Love

Sheila.x

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Hi Nel
Thank you so much for your wise words. I agree that my mum would want me to be happy and worry free. She would hate to see me like this. I’m just finding the final connection to my mum and dad hard to close. I’m scared of when that moment comes when I go there for the last time. I guess one step at a time. I just hope that I can hold it together. Kind regards Cx

Hi Sheila
These are very heart felt and honest words. It has made me feel emotional just reading them. You remind me of my mum so much and my situation, so thank you for replying to my message. I do not feel so alone now and that I am not going crazy! My mum loved her house so much as do I. I think you are right. Holding onto it is just going to make it harder for me down the line both financially and mentally. I just feel like I am just existing right now and just avoiding what I need to do which can’t go on. I have cried so much this week and the anxiety that am feeling is almost unbearable. It’s on my mind all of the time and it is making me miserable and not much fun to be around. I have had no grief counselling and just want it all to end. I just hope I have the strength to say goodbye in my way and start to feel positive again. I miss the old me. I’m scared of that last time I will see the house. It is worrying me a lot as I know I have to do it. Wishing you and your family all the best Cx

Dear Claire,

Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, both our sons are pestering me to sell my home because they said they cannot face selling it if I die, it was the home where they were born and they know they are taking the easy way out by wanting me to sell it before I die.

You are facing what our two sons are dreading will happen, having to sell the home where they were born, where they were happy and loved but as I said before, we parents buy our homes to be handed down to our children and when you sell your parents home, the money from the proceeds will enable you to buy your own home and then you can hand it down to your children, you will never forget your childhood home because it is now helping you buy your own home so all the love from your mum and dad will be there when you buy it.

We still have our memories, I know we don’t want memories, we want them but it is not to be so we have to accept what has happened and realise that your mum and dad are still helping you by leaving you the home you love, It is a gift of love from them both.

Love

Sheila.xx

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Hello Claire

I understand your dilemma as my situation is similar.

I lost my Husband over 5 years ago and the day after I was in such a state that I went to my original family home as I would have been newly bereaved in a town where I didn’t really know anyone. It was always my intention to move back but then Mum got ill and then last year passed away. I cant bring myself to sell my marital home even though its now falling into disrepair and costing me money for council tax and utility connections. Family say I need to get it sold abd I can hear my Husband saying to get rid but it really isnt that simple a decision to make is it. Im so stressed about it that I have recurring dreams that squatters are living in it. You are still newly bereaved and although the decision wont necessarily get easier to make its still a little early to make massive decisions. Dont be rushed into deciding. If you cant decide anything, do nothing. For sure it may be costly but thats a better evil than regret as a result of a rushed decision. I know Im not much help but I just wanted to say that I understand how difficult this is fir you. I still have to make that decision myself.
Set yourself a date to think about the situation and let your mind have a little respite for a while.
All the very best and kindest wishes to you

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