Loosing my mum to pancreatic cancer

It has been just over a year since my mum passed. Being diagnosed with pancreatic Cancer and being told had 2 to 4 months at most with chemo. To then pass in my arms 8 days later. I had a very small amount of experience of palliative care and nothing could prepare me for seeing my mum pass. For the first few days I was giving mum pain meds orally to then finally the hospice at home getting mum onto a syringe driver. I cry often for what mum went through. There was some heart wrenching moments. I miss her terribly and every now and again my brain let’s me realise she not here anymore. My days are hard and I’m not the same. My body is tired. We had a strained relation ship but we were good before mum passed. Mum from her generation rarely said she loved me. She got a blanket made with lovely words. Il never forget the day she cried when I read it. I will never forget watching my mum be so brave whilst facing he passing. I don’t feel people understand. I’m greatful mum got to pass at home with her children there. The scattering of mums ashes was traumatic as my brother was cruel and rushed the whole thing.
I was asked to scatter the final parts of mums ashes and I’m desperate to travel to sit where she was released. However life won’t let me and I can feel my head and heart almost sinking into depression. I’m awaiting support from cruse as I need to speak to people through simular. This is why I’ve come on here so we can support eachother and maybe pass on the things that have helped me aswell as person Al experience

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Hi, sorry your grief journey is so difficult for you at this time. It’s a brutal experience, losing a parent because they are your anchor in life and your first relationship with unconditional love. My Mum also died and a post mortem revealed she had metastatic pancreatic cancer. We didn’t know and she had obviously been hiding any pain or symptoms from us. I often think about her last weeks, she had her birthday and we all celebrated but she seemed frail and distanced. She collapsed and died on her driveway after a shopping trip, she wasn’t discovered until the next morning by her neighbour. I’ve tortured myself with her sad ending but in some ways I am grateful she didn’t have a slow, lingering death in a hospital. I’m now trying hard to keep going in the way she would want me to. It’s not easy, there are days when I am filled with grief and in a fog of gloom. All we can do is to go with our feelings and get through the days as best we can. Best wishes, take care xx

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