Hello! This is kind of long but just looking for some people who can maybe relate as I don’t really have anyone close who understands.
I’m 23, and in 2021 (i was 19) my mum passed away due to alcohol abuse a week before i moved out for university. Then this year in my final semester of my final year my dad passed away from throat cancer that moved to the lining of his lungs, I was his only person so I attended every appointment and visited him every day towards the end and took care of him the best I could. Not only is the grief utterly unbearable I have a constant fear that I have cancer or that death is coming for me next. Around the same time as my dads passing I had a lymph node come up in my neck hard and it never went away again, I’ve had ultrasounds and blood tests, all clean, but I can’t shake this constant fear of developing/having cancer and it’s taken over my life. I have panic attacks everyday, I can’t stop checking myself and my body and weight etc and I feel like the worry is almost making me sick. I’m in therapy for health anxiety but nothing seems to be working and the worst part about it all and feeling sick all the time is I just want a hug from my parents and to be told everything is going to be okay but I’m just alone and scared (I’m an only child). Both my parents were so young (M 52, D 47) and I just feel like I’m going to die everyday and it petrifies me or like I did something to deserve this or that I’m a bad person and that’s why this is happening to me. I just don’t know what to do with it all I put up a good front on the outside and everyone tells me I’m so strong and brave but I feel the weakest I’ve ever felt so broken down it’s unbelievable. I just wondered if anyone else had any similar feelings and had any methods to deal with it?