Dear Ian, I am so sorry that you have lost your darling son. It is very early days for you so baby steps all the way. So traumatic and you will be in shock so cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Please believe me when I say that a calmness will descend on you and gradually the calm times will last for longer.
Try and keep posting as I am sure it will help you. Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxx
Yes it’s still very raw…didn’t help we had to posphone his funeral as we all got diagnosed with COVID 19 . Thankfully we have now all recovered and the funeral is this Thursday
But sadly with no wake
Thanks
Ian
It’s been six weeks since I lost my son, isn’t getting any easier I just want to wake up from this nightmare, the pain and heartache is unbearable just wish I could swap places with him
Ian
It is so hard and the grief will wash over you. It is very early days for you, Ian. I am glad you posted here as we have all been through similar experiences and I think understand the rawness of it. I hope you have people close to you also.
Sending you big hugs this evening x
Hi Victoria
Yes I have a big family for support…I just feel so empty inside and often think is this real or is it a dream, but it does help to chat on here…
I know exactly what you mean about feeling as though you are in a dream. I also felt like that and occasionally still do. I am glad you have family around you and also that you have found this site. Take care xxx
Dear Ian
I felt the same when my son Henry died last October. I know how it feels. Believe me it does get bearable…you will find a way I promise you. Meditating helped me…something I’d never tried but Henry’s older brother encouraged me to try it and it does instill a sense of calm.
I still (and probably will always) say it’s just today I’m not seeing Henry. Even writing these words to you I feel that churn in my stomach 
My lovely boy stays safe in my heart. I have my other son and grandchildren too. They need me and I need them…together we have come this far.
Keep posting- it’s a wonderful source of support to hear other people’s experiences and know they understand the depth of your loss.
I also walk and go in the garden and try and connect with nature…that inspires me.
Just take an hour at a time…be kind to yourself. We are all here for you.
Warm wishes
Purple
Hi purple
Thanks for your kind words, it’s just so bloody hard I just can’t motivate myself to do anything, am supposed to be going back to work Monday but not sure if am ready to face everyone at work…
Ian
I’m retired but I’d just been offered a seasonal job with John Lewis. I couldn’t start as Henry died and I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It was a customer facing role and I just wasn’t mentally strong enough.
We moved to the Cotswolds- also before Henry died. Our closest neighbours know and I’ve just found I can say the words out loud to other people. But it makes me well up.
I’m totally changed by events.
I hope your employer is supportive…Facing people is hard…they don’t know what to say…so they ignore the elephant in the room. That can be good - sometimes you need a break from it. Work will definitely take your mind off your grief - your gp should help you if you’re not ready. I think I had a breakdown looking back…
Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Purple
Dear Isn, can you go back to work on restricted hours? I only work part time for the NHS but they were amazing when I first went back. I was off for 8 months and if I had a panic I knew I could just go home and was never put under any pressure so it was at my pace which was so helpful. I wish you well and hope you have understanding colleagues. xxx
Hi
I find everything is so hard am even thinking about not going back to work…I can be fine one minute then I see something that reminds me of Michael. And I just start crying am really dreading Xmas if it wasn’t for the grand kids I would cancel it…I said to my grand daughter yesterday what would you like for Xmas. She replied just my dad back please…if only that was possible
Ian
Hi Victoria
I work in a care home…and my boss is my god daughter
So I can pick my own hours, I just don’t know if I can cope with all the questions… life for me at the moment just seems so meaningless … with all this COVID crap I think to myself is my son better off where he is
Thanks
Ian
Dear Ian…I know it’s an absolute agony.
Henry’s son Oliver asks me why it had to happen to his Daddy- Oliver is 11 on Christmas Day and this will be our second Christmas without Henry. I wish I could say something helpful to you but there are no words
What I can say is that Oliver needs me to keep positive.
He said recently that it was such a long time ago that his Daddy died…then a few days after that he said how much he misses him. Our grandchildren have their own grief.
Don’t expect too much from yourself…if you’re not feeling up to work then everyone should understand. Crying helps even though it’s exhausting. How can we cry so many tears?
Thinking of you and your family
Purple
Hi purple
If crying was enough to bring him back he would of been back…I just can’t stop thinking of him and where is he now…am not a religious person and never really believed in life after death, but I want to believe now that he is somewhere nice and safe. But it’s so hard he is in my head and thoughts 24/7, I still can’t come to terms that he is dead and I will never see him again. I have a big family and everyone seems to be coping better than me…I now understand what they mean broken-hearted as my heart is broken forever
Hugs
Ian
Hi Ian
Hope you are finding little pockets of peace. Yes your heart is broken- I literally felt a pain in my heart for months and months.
I’m not religious as such…I’m a lapsed Catholic. But I have a belief in another world past this one. I’ve been watching His Dark Materials on the BBC at the moment and the way the worlds are portrayed is how I feel it is. I’m not bothered what people think about that, if it helps me then that’s ok.
What’s important is that Henry lived and brought happiness into people’s lives. However He was troubled and he caused me endless worry but for all that I loved him and I still do. I’m sure he’s waiting for me.
We all cope differently with grief. My brother who lost one of his twin boys (to suicide) has dealt with it very differently to me. I still have weepy days…he hasn’t cried much. Just be you and let it out if it wants to come out.
I’ve found that whilst it’s exhausting to grieve it helps…I accept for me this is how it is. I keep busy and that’s a temporary distraction.
Keep posting here as we all understand the sheer enormity and complexity of losing a child.
Big hugs
Purple
Hi purple
I think my main problem is I haven’t accepted he is dead, and the thought of never seeing him again is torture and I don’t even like thinking about it…
My brother in law is a medium and he says my son has been trying to contact us…but I don’t know if I believe in all that
Thanks
Ian
Dear Ian,
I think it is so hard to accept that someone we loved has died. Even now I wake up in the morning and it hits me all over again, especially like you and I as we weren’t there with them when they passed.
Just be kind to yourself as it is such a trauma.
I haven’t seen a medium but sometimes I think about it.
Take care of yourself xx
Hi Victoria
I know it’s only been 8 weeks since we lost Michael
It’s seems like only yesterday when I seen him with a big daft grin on his face, am so scared that one day I won’t be able to see his face…I have decided once this COVID crap is over I am going to see a medium
Hugs
Ian
Hi Ian
I get that completely. I do a day at a time. Photos comfort me but I’ve read of people who can’t look at photos so we’re all different.
Henry’s memorial stone was laid this week. I’d kept his ashes at home with me for 8 months - I just couldn’t bear to let him go. We buried his casket in late July.
It was awful seeing the stone …it made everything real again. I have accepted on one level Henry’s no longer here with me but on another I can’t quite believe it.
I saw a spiritualist in July- I did find it a comfort but I don’t think it’s for everyone. The lady I saw won’t see me for at least six months from that visit as she said some people start depending on it. I’m not going to rush into seeing another one. At least see what your brother in law has to relay to you but when you’re ready Ian.
Every day I live without Henry takes me closer to him of course . But I don’t want to wish what time I’ve got here away- he’s waiting for me and in the meantime I have his brother and my grandson. Plus of course my husband, step children and a large family. We’re all just passing through after all…it’s brutal to say the departed don’t need us …but it is the truth.
I sincerely hope you get some sort of acceptance and peace - none of us can escape our losses. We live with them. I find I have mostly good days…there was a time it was just day after day of utter misery. I pray for the same for you and your family.
Keep in touch with us all.
Big hugs
Purple
Hi Ian, Photos are a comfort for some people but I get upset looking at photos of Gemma. It is so hard to get your head round that we won’t see them again in this life and none of us know what happens in the next.
I do think Covid makes it worse for us all as we are so cooped up. I feel better if I can get out a d about more xx