I wondered what topic I should post this under? Is it loss of a parent? Loss of my mum? Grief? That I can feel so connected / yet disconnected at the same time. It feels hard to process my mum is just not there. I feel her there and I want to talk to her and I can’t. There is no telephone to heaven. Yet strangely it feels like there should be and that she is around. It’s that yawning emptiness. I went to her house last week and buried my head in her coat. I just wanted to be close to her. Her shoes still on the floor in the cloakroom where they were last placed. Her fridge and freezer are still running as I just want her to be on holiday. The painful process of asking strangers into her house for probate purposes and the hard reality of feeling her identity dissolving into auctioneers/charity shops and bleakness. I miss her. I miss her so very much it hurts. It hurts so very much it feels tangible and empty at the same time. A hole that I have never ever experienced as Empty. Now that hole is a cavern that seems consuming. I told my mum it was ok to go. I knew she was tired. But I wasn’t ready for her to go. Play that last hour or so ver and over again as though stuck in replay. As though the story might change. Sometimes I feel strong. Then a bolt of emptiness hits me like a burning void. I want her back. I want to hug her again. I want to tell her I love her. I hope she knows I miss her and that I love her. I just want to connect with her again .
Hi Penny,
I lost my mum very suddenly 2 years and 3 months ago and there is a permanent void in my life where she should be.
Even when I laugh at something or enjoy something, I immediately feel the loss that she isnt experiencing the same joy.
It does get easier but I’ve come to accept that the sense of loss will always be there. I’ve stopped hoping that it will gradually reduce.
It did help to clear out all my mums things. The constant reminders were too painful. I have a few boxes of sentimental bits that I will get round to eventually. I cant even have photos around because I find it too upsetting.
Cheryl
Hi penny/c1971 I too lost my mum in July this year diagnosed with secondary liver cancer the hospital weren’t sure how long she had although one doctor said possibly 6/12 months, I wanted her at home so she could be with dad and all her family and I cared for her for the 6 weeks she lasted, that cruel disease took her far too quickly 
I have been through every emotion and cry every day I miss her so much and life just isn’t the same, I too don’t find pleasure in doing anything, most things are done because I have too, like cleaning/ shopping but I know I’m not the person I was and feel part of me went with her, I have all mums things at my house now and can’t get rid of anything it’s just too raw, I felt so guilty just after she passed going over if there was anything I could have done or noticed earlier it’s as if your torturing yourself but you can’t help it, I’m waiting for counselling sessions to start to see if that helps at all, messaging on here helps to know others know what your going through, it’s a horrible rollercoaster ride of emotions and I don’t know if and when it stops, I just wish I knew if she was ok and she had found other family members that have passed previously I hope your both ok, take care.
Lynn x
Hi Lynn
Thanks for sharing.
I read your comment and I know it hurts.
It is nice to read that people are in similar places, it is consoling.
Counselling sounds like a good idea.
I really cannot believe that my mum is not here.
I know she died, I planned the funeral, but I need to speak to her so very much.
Thank you for replying. x Penny
Thank you Cheryl for reaching out. It means a lot.
I wish I could make your hurt better.
Like you, there is no much sorrow…
Pain means a love that was lost.
I’m pleased to have experienced love. The loss is unbearable but my love for my mum was
unconditional love. That love still has a direct arrow to heaven.
Stay Strong
Penny x
Penny3 this just describes perfectly how I feel. It’s been 19 months since mum died and I still can’t quite accept she’s not in her home spoiling her dogs and making patchworks. Everyday I think about calling her and telling her what I’m doing, but she’s just not there and I find it so hard to comprehend.
I have a lovely note book I bought just after she died and I write in it, not regularly but particularly when I’m lonely I write to her. I also have a chat in the garden…. I’ve tucked one of her ID cards into the ceiling of her arbor which now sits in our garden. I take a glass of wine down and chat away…. The neighbours must think I’m a lunatic
The online support group has been invaluable I’ve found COVID and the lockdown in some ways helped because everything changed but in someways more difficult because I’m stuck in limbo and haven’t been able to see friends.
Hi Lynn
Please remember that July is still such a short time. I was off work for 4 months and unable to concentrate for 6.
At 2 years and 3 months, I can now cope because time has blurred the edges and reduced the pain.
Eventually the guilt will lessen and you will slowly feel more like you ( although I wont pretend you will ever be the same. A huge part of the old Cheryl died when my mum did)
I personally hated bereavement counselling but that’s me. I wanted it to magically bring my mum back and it didnt.
I hope it helps you.
Cheryl x
Hi Lynn.
I am giving you a big virtual hug
Penny x
Scarlet.
Nice to read you feelings Penny x
Hi c1971 I’m not sure what to really expect from the counselling I think Iike you said it’s possibly hoping for a connection to stop all this pain and hope it’s just been a bad dream and our mums will be back with us, but I know I’m only fooling myself, they do say time heals and the pain eases, only people that have lost a loved one totally understand what this grief is like, thank you for messaging me back it means alot, take care.
Lynn xx
Hi penny 3, thank you so much for the hug it means alot, take care
Lynn xx
I can totally understand where you are at.lost my mum last year in lock down,but unlike you,I wasn’t there when she passed away.i live over 150 miles away and couldnt travel. As it was the first lockdown,we were told to stay at home no matter what !! It haunts me still that I didn’t get to see her,she died peacefully in her sleep from cancer, and I take comfort in knowing she’s not in anymore pain. That said it still there thats she’s gone, I feel your pain,and hope it gets a little easier to bear every day.xx