Loosing your only parent at a young age

Losing a parent
#1

I am 21, just about to turn 22 next year and on 26th May 2020, I lost my mum unexpectedly. She was just 46 and I just feel like I’m not coping.

I am feeling every emotion under the sun, anger, guilt, sadness. I feel like I didn’t do enough. My mum struggled with alcohol for many years so in around march this year I decided I couldn’t cope with it anymore and choose to move in with my older sister, then covid hit and my mum just stayed alone in her house drinking which in turn led to the course of her death.
I feel like it’s my fault maybe if I hadn’t moved out I could have stopped it.
I am trying to get support through my university but they offer little to none especially for bereavement, I’m away from home while at university and I’m feeling as lonely as ever because none of my friends have lost a parent they don’t understand how it feels and I’m scared they will judge me for being so upset all the time.
I generally feel like I’m just a burden on everyone when I do get upset. I’d love to be able to talk to my family about it but there struggling to cope too especially my grandparents and I really don’t want to put more on their plate.

I’m just hoping someone might understand how I feel because at the moment i just feel like i am completely alone.

Thank you

1 Like
My mam died on Sunday from cirrhosis
Losing my mum
#2

Hi abae
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. 46 is so young and you are very young to have lost her.
Guilt is very normal at this stage of grief and I am still suffering guilt 17months after the sudden death of my mum from a brain hemorrhage. I should have noticed her declining health, I should have made her see her doctor, I should have done this etc etc
However I am aware that my mum should have also taken responsibility for her health. She was very intelligent, of sound mind and knew she was keeping things from me and her doctor.
In reading your post I cant help but think that your mum should have taken responsibility for herself. You are only 21 and would not expect this to happen to her. If you had considered this could happen you would have done things differently. We both would.
Try to stop feeling guilty. I know its hard and those feelings will always be there but they will get less over time.
This site is great for talking to people and I’m sure others will be along soon to help reassure you.
Cheryl x

#3

Thank you, I know I shouldn’t feel guilt, but I just can’t help it, thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry for your loss too x

#4

Thank you abae. I hope you keep getting on here and connecting with others.

#5

I lost my partner in june aged 42 to alcohol liver disease he has left me and our now 12 year old daughter
My daughter has suprisingly coped very well and have noticed a big change in her behaviour which wasnt great and.i think this is because she knew alot more than i did as he was doing it around her and i nevee knew i on the other hand am so hurt and angry thought i was doing ok but im not again at the moment i still love him despite all the anger and hurt its just horrible.
I just think of everything my daughter has been through and it hurts that she has to grow up without her dad and that he left her this way x

#6

Unfortunately a lot of times especially with drinking it’s the children that witness it the most as most know that a adult or parent will be the first to smell or know what’s going on. I was oblivious to my mums drinking when I was younger.

Although it will be hard for your daughter she is lucky to still have you around.
My mum was a single mum to me and my older sister.

I know the feeling on anger is so hard, especially when you can’t understand why they’d do this to themselves, that’s exactly how I’m feeling.

Please just watch your daughter, as a daughter myself over the last few months I’ve been struggling with feeling like I wasn’t enough, why wasn’t I enough to make my mum want to stop drinking.

Just remind her everyday how much he loved her, show pictures and memory’s.
Someone once told me: there at peace now because they are free from the addiction, alcohol has no hold of them anymore x
I’m sorry for your loss

1 Like
#7

Yes my daughter is lucky she still has me i cannot even imagine how hard it must be for you
We haventt always seen eye to eye and she got on so well with her dad despite everything he put hwr theough especially getting her to lie to me
Do you have any other family my family are over 200 miles away so i struggle with that too x

#8

I’m blessed to have 2 amazing grandparents and an older sister, but because I study away at university and covid it’s been very difficult to see them. But I’m heading home soon to spend the holidays with them. Hence the feeling very alone, especially when none of my friends has lost someone. No one really is able to relate which is one of the hardest parts.

#9

I lost my mum on the 27th of October, we had her funeral yesterday. I just feel like I’ve blocked every emotion out. My mum was 47 on the 11th of October. She use to stay every week to watch my boys while I worked. I went up to check on her as I hadn’t heard from her and found her gone in bed. The police say she’d been gone over 24 hours. My mum was a recovering alcoholic, went to rehab 8 years ago and was just perfect but since she’s died I’ve learnt that she was drinking again. Going home of a weekend and binge drinking, whenever she felt low. She was ordering alcohol online so I would have never known. And she was perfect at my house never drinking. I just wish I would have known, I could have helped her. Now I’m left as a single 27 year old mother with 2 boys, no siblings and no mum. I refuse to accept it’s real. I just really want her to come back. Her post mortem came back inconclusive so I’m waiting for the results of further testing to find what the actual cause of death was. I just want it to be natural and not down to that horrible horrible drink. I’m so sorry if I’ve made this all about me. I just don’t have anybody to speak to and I feel like I’m about to explode. Nobody understands what I’m feeling

#10

Hey,
It’s okay I didn’t know my mum was drinking for a very long time, they get so good at hiding it it’s scary.

But one of my family members like to say, there at peace now and the addiction can’t hold them anymore it’s powerless.

Sometimes finding peace in the fact that alcohol doesn’t have any power over them any more has really helped me and I hope it helps you too.

#11

So sorry for your loss
Its a horrible addiction ir really is not only has it talen my 42 year old parner bur irs completley broken me and i am mentaally physically ans emorionally drained from everything i have gone through this year its now the ones left behind suffering x

#12

How are you doing?

I’m older than you but I’m going through the same kind of thing. It’s really hard and it must be so difficult for you living away at the moment. I hope you’re doing okay and looking after yourself well.

#13

Im doing okay, I’ve recently reached out the the counselling with my university and start on the 14th. I’m actually heading home today, and I’m very excited to see my family and just be around people who know how I’m feeling so when I am down I can go and speak to them.

I’m sorry for your loss.
How are you doing ?

#14

That’s good that you’ve got counselling sorted and that you’re headed home. I really hope you’re doing okay - your first post really got to me.

I’m okay, struggling along. I miss her so much and I feel this year has robbed us of precious time together. I’m not quite sure how to move forward just yet.

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