hi dont no were to start i lost my soul mate my wife 13 weeks ago we have been together for 35 years she was only 52 years old and Anne passed away with Cancer after a long 2 years battling it i am struggling with this so much i have a wee girl here left with out her mum too she is just 16 and i dont no how to help her through this ,.when i cant get through this i dont no were to turn i no its early days but its so so hard thanks
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Hello @Gibby48 - I am so glad you found us, this community of friends and fellow-travellers, walking the long road of grief together. I am so sorry Anne has died - this is a huge blow and leaves a massive gap in your life and your daughter. My husband Tom died of cancer after a horrendous 18 months of suffering - so I know a little of what you have been through to this point, and what you face as you go forward. It is hard, really hard and first thing to say is you are doing really well to have got here. This is a marathon, but you have got this more than you may think. You have got to here, to today, to posting this message and to finding lots of new people here who understand and who are with you. There is little to feel good about, I know only too well but maybe think about a walk in this Spring Sunday that we have, with your daughter. Talking is the best thing you can do together. Maybe tell each other exactly how you feel and/or talk about Anne, to keep her close to you and to share the load of grief that is unique to you both. You and Anne loved each other so much and there will be many stories to remember and things that, despite the tears, can still make you smile. I talk to Tom a lot, and draw strength from his example of courage and grace as he faced his diagnosis. As the days, weeks and months and the first year have gone by since he died, I have got stronger, more confident, more calm, more aware that while Tom has gone on ahead, his love for me to continues and that one day, we will meet again. It keeps me going. I am walking along the same road as you and many of our friends on here, and that too, helps as I am in the best company, with friends who are always around if I need to share something. So hold tight, my friend, look how far you have come and look forward to the warmer days to come - both in terms of the weather and in terms of the grief changing shape, which it will. It did for me and for so many of us on here - from freezing howling despair, to a warmth for me, a sense that death cannot break us, cannot ultimately win. Love wins, and you have so much of it from Anne in your heart. Take care, take a breath, and my advice is always to take a chocolate biscuit from the tin. We are with you, my friend, keep talking to your daughter and know that we have got you on here x
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Dear @Gibby48
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, there are no words to describe the pain of losing a loved one.
Sue Ryder have some useful resources which may be of help to you which I have listed below.
- Grief Guide is a self help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS. This service is also useful for family and friends
The following blog Supporting A Bereaved Child may also be of help to you for you to support your daughter. It would be worth having a read when you feel ready.
Grief is a horrible rollercoaster ride of emotions and there will be good days and bad days, all of which are normal. It is a journey to be taken at your pace, please do not compare your journey to anyone else. Everyone’s journey is different and we all react differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
There is a blog on How Long Does Grief Last by Sue Ryder which may be of help and support to you at this time.
Please continue to reach out here, we all understand the pain of losing a loved one and we are all here to support one another, you are not alone and it helps to talk.
Take care.
Peppers
@Gibby48 I am so sorry for the loss of your Anne. I lost my wife of 47 years in October and the grief in the first three months was overwhelming. I can’t tell you it gets less painful quickly. I have adult children and we all grieve together but your daughter is still young and I wondered whether her school might be able to access or at least identify specialist counselling appropriate to her age as it will be so difficult for you as you have to deal with your own deep grief. All of us here know the awful emotions that overtake us as @Vancouver says we are all travelling the same unchosen path. Post when you need as there is mo judgement here and you can talk about things without upsetting others on your family.
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thank you i will look at all these and the one for my wee girl to one day at a time i just keep saying to every one thanks again
thanks for the message i will try the school again they said it was still a bit early for Holly to have counselling but its been 3 months so i will give them a call again thanks for the advice .and yes it is very hard trying to deal with it may self i feel that i need to watch the way i am round them all so i grieve in silent so i don t upset any one thanks
well its been a few months from being on this it will be nine months on sunday the 24 .09,23 has things changed in this 9 months yes and no i am not crying as much as i was at the start i still cant get away from the cemetery 3 times a day i have a routine now but it is still so very hard still i just keep asking why her so i keep busy all the time i maintain 32 graves at the cemetery now cut the grass once a week. just things like that i get loads of comfort out of it for my self and the other families that are up visiting loved one love that i am taking care of the place they tell me my wife Anne would be so proud of me for helping others but it is still hard leaving still i hate coming home now my home is not a home any more its so empty nothing has changed in my home from the day Anne passed away i am thinking of moving i just dont no what to do and for my we girl she is still struggling she has been going to grief counselling as well she is . at college now and she has a part time job to but i still here her crying at times so some things have changed but the pain of Anne passing has not some days are so so hard then you have a good day then some thing just a simple thing just puts you back to the day she left me and my children it was Anne birthday the other day she would have been 53 it was such a hard day for all the family my Anne is a twin and her mum birthday are all on the same day her Anne,s mum was 80 on the same day as them but there was nothing to celebrate there was a big peace missing and it was my beautiful Anne .so i think what helps me every day is just to keep talking about Anne to every one all the time as if she was still here and i stay busy night time is still the worst the loneliness is the worst but i take one day at a time thanks
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@Gibby48 - thank you for checking in with us x Taking it one day at a time is the right way to do this - I am sure we all agree on that. 9 months is a long time and yet no time, all at once. Facing Anne’s birthday without her must have been very hard for you. There are good days and bad as you write so wisely and you are navigating it all. It is hard. For me, tomorrow it will be 20 months since my husband died. I still miss him, talk to him and say out loud to the empty house “I wish Tom was here” about 15 times a day. But it is getting more bearable and my life is full now - family, friends, work and volunteering for 3 charities. And not just to fill time but because I both get and give so much from it all. You are doing really well and you will figure it all out about whether to move or stay. If you are uncertain - stay where you are. I found that if I couldn’t decide something, then I would just do nothing until the answer came. Hold tight, my friend, your family on here have got your back, and are with you.
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