Today I have to take my sons ashes and put the in a hole in the ground and go home without him. I dont want to leave him there on his own. I feel I am abandoning him.
Its silly, I know its silly.
He grew up in a lovely little village in the lake district. He played in the fields around the village, he cycled the little roads, he fished in a nearby lake. At heart he was at home in the countryside.
I am lucky, although we moved from that village I kept a small field and planted it up with native trees leaving a place in the middle for him and his friends to camp in if they wanted a break. He had his stag night there.
I lost my son 5 months ago, today I am planting a tree for him in the centre of that field in a clearing of its own and putting his ashes in with the tree and planting english bluebell bulbs around the tree.
The tree is a variety of silver birch called Greyswood Ghost. It has the whitest bark of any silver birch. In the Spring the bluebells will flower and spread out carpeting the clearing. In the Autumn its leaves will turn golden. His ashes will nourish the tree and it will live for a hundred years.
A friend of his ( a sculptor) went and sourced a sandstone slab from a nearby quarry and is carving his name on the stone to go next to the tree.
Another friend (a carpenter) is making a bench to sit on in that clearing in the small wood.
I know it all sounds beautiful and a perfect place for my son.
All I can feel is I that I am abandoning him
You will never do that my darling, he will always be with you . A love for your child is always apart of you wherever they are in heaven or on earth .
Sending love and peace to you 
The field you describe sounds like a wonderful place to sit and reflect . Child loss brings so many feelings I’m glad you can express them abl.
That is so beautiful, your son will rest under the tree and it will be so peaceful for him.
We are finding it difficult to decide what to do with our daughter’s ashes. She was 33 when she passed away 10 weeks ago.
She loved the beach which is only down the road from our home.
I feel it’s the last thing as a mother I will do for her which breaks my heart having to let her go to her final resting place. But if we can organise that her ashes be spread over the sea in a quiet location then she will be finally in her favourite place, as will your son.
It’s going to be so difficult for both of us, I feel your pain, you are not alone.
We will never let them go from our hearts and our minds, we will always think about them. They will always be with us wherever their final resting place will be.
Hi @abl
It does sound beautiful and hopefully one day you will come to feel a sense of peace when you are there but if that’s not right now then that’s ok. Grief is a lonely path because we all feel it in different ways and we journey that path at a different pace.
I lost my daughter 1year and 1 week ago, I am still very much in denial because my brain and my heart cannot cope with anything more.
Some people may find it strange, some people actually recoil but I don’t care, my daughter is buried here with me, in my garden. I had promised her she would always be here, no more hospitals, she was 21.
I feel abandoned her too because I didn’t die with her.
So sorry not under a tree like I said. He will rest in his favourite field I meant to say. He will be so proud of you for choosing such a beautiful spot for him.
Your description sounds so like my own. I laid my daughter’s ashes in our field and have planted fruit trees. But I feel as if I have left her in a cold lonely place, even though I know that she’s not truly there.
Your love for her will keep her warm.
I felt terrible leaving the ashes at the field. It seemed wrong to leave him there but I knew it was a step in this horrific journey we are on.
I know it was the right thing to do, he grew up around there, played in the fields and the woods, cycled the little roads, fished in the lake. An echo of him is there now, reliving those moments.
Tough times Talisker x