I lost my Jean in May last year from Severe Alzheimer’s and frailty. To say I am still devastated and cannot accept the huge,huge loss is undeniable. I’ve known Jean for 56 years and we were married for 51 years. This so horrible disease started 7-8 years ago, slowly at first but after 3 years gathered pace. I became her sole carer, and to say it was hard work looking after her needs and everything else was unimaginably difficult. To deal with all her needs medical, emotional, anxiety, agitation, delusions etc was very hard but I coped somehow. At the end of April I had to go to the Hospital with heart problems, which turned out to be blocked arteries, but my main concern was who was going to look after Jean, but luckily my Son & Daughter stepped up and came to our house to look after her. They not only looked after her but also took leave from their jobs to do so. A week later my Jean was in Hospital, she was not eating, not taking her medications etc. My Son & Daughter took her up to A + E and she was immediately admitted. I came out of hospital after a week and my wife was in but gradually she deteriorated and passed away. I was absolutely inconsolable at her passing. I was devoted to her and miss her so much. This is where my guilt comes in, if I hadn’t have gone to hospital, would Jean still be here with us.
Nearly 10 months on and I’m still desolate at her loss. I feel lonely and alone. I have pictures of her everywhere, the sympathy cards are still up. I shed tears for her everyday, I get easily emotional thinking of her or hearing certain songs. I read somewhere that tears are words we cannot express. It’s so true. I’ve had 3 lots of counselling. People I meet often say “How are you”, I feel like saying how do you think I’m feeling, but I don’t.
I almost feel that I would have liked for both of us to have gone together, but I know that somehow I have to carry on, for my children and grandchildren.
It will take a long time for my grief to dissipate.
2 Likes
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife.
How your feeling is absolutely normal, you were together for a very long time.
In respect of your health, try & think what your wife would have said to you? I think she would have said you must have your operation, you put your children in place to care for your wife, they would have looked after her with the same excellent care that you did.
Guilt is part of grief & we all find something to torture ourselves with, over time you will know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
You upheld your wedding vows to the end, be proud of yourself.