Hi new on here. I’m just really feeling lonely lately with my grief so I thought id pop on here and maybe gain some comfort from others experiencing the same pain.
My childhood was a rocky one to say the least, my parents were seperated and I lived majority of the time with my mum and stepdad and would visit my dad on the weekend. Unfortunately my mum drank a lot and just wasnt motherly to say the least. I saw and experienced stuff a child never should. However my Grandma who is my mums mum was the most loving gentle person ever. I stayed with her a lot during childhood right up to early 20s. Yes I had a mum but my Grandma emotionally was my mum. I told her everything, we had the best bond anyone could wish for. I would sleep over days on end and it was just me and her. We cooked, gardened, talked for hours on end. We got pets together, I had my own room. She didnt have the best relationship with her daughter my mum, she understood why I wasnt close to her too so I could go to my grandma and confide in her whenever needed and it never ever got back to my mum or anybody else. She loved me and I truly felt it, she gave me the affection, time and patience I needed. We have always been close even now at 30 years old I would still see her a lot and call her as soon as anything good or bad happened. I was the first to get a call if she was ill or hospitalised. A lot of family didnt like our bond but it never affected us.
My grandma in her very younger smoked a little but then stopped, then around 40 she got breast cancer and went through a lot of radiation and chemo and unfortunately even though she survived the cancer at age 51 she was diagnoised with COPD. Now there is a stigma around COPD that it is self induced but not always. Radiation can cause it, exposure to fumes, smoking, many different things.
I noticed the small changes from us doing a food shop and her having to sit down every few aisles to eventually having to use oxygen during the day just sat in her house.
As years went by my grandma stopped leaving her house all together. She caught pneaumonia a few times just by going outside so the fear was too much as every time she caught it, her condition worsened.
As she got worse I would cry when alone as the realisation that im going to lose her to this awful disease would kick in.
Then on Saturday 7th December I recieved the call id always dread. My mum rang me, I was on a train on the way to Manchester as I had won a competition worth £2500. When I picked up she said your Grandma is in hospital, she really isnt well… I said how bad? And my mum replied, just get here when you can love. I jumped off of the train at the next stop, burst into tears in the train station, I couldnt believe it. I knew there was something as we text every single day and that morning I hadnt got a reply from her, I also just felt I wasnt meant to go to Manchester that day but ignored my gut.
I rushed to the hospital and as soon as I got there and saw her laid flat with the biggiest mask on her face I just knew. She grabbed my hand instantly and I sat next to her. She relaxed once I had got there, half an hour or so passed and I told her I needed to pee so I’ll be back. I went into the visitors room, closed the door and broke down. She didnt look good at all. The next 7 days just got worse. Nurses prodding her trying to do whatever they could to improve her condition. People visited everyday on and off but me and my mum stayed all day, and I did into the night on my own.
They told my grandma they couldnt do anymore, her eyes bulged and she looked so scared. It was a look I dont think ill ever ever forget. She looked at me with pure fear. I told her its ok we are all here. I told her everyday I love her and she said she loved me too and that she didnt want to be so poorly. She was fighting and fighting the whole week. I couldnt sleep I just wanted to be with her.
Then on the 13th of December she passed away with me and my mum with her. She seemed to go peacefully as they eventually pumped her with a lot of pain relief but she was pretty much still communicating right till the end.
Nearly 4 months have passed by. Im not coping at all. She was my go too person. I miss her so much its getting harder.
Life seems meaningless now.
1 Like
Hello @Lisa93,
Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story here. I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandma.
I can see you’ve already reached out to @Hannah2 on her thread. Please do keep sharing - you are not alone.
You might find it helpful to read our coping with the death of a grandparent page, which can walk you through some of what you may be feeling. If you need any extra support, you can explore our website at sueryder.org/support
Take good care,
Seaneen