Hello everyone, the grief is killing me, my heart hurts and I don’t see any future without my boyfriend. Everything we ever planned was for two of us not just me. Now he’s gone, it’s been 9 days now and I don’t see any point in living. I feel numb and alone, blaming myself for not being more persistent and make him see the doctor. He was very strong and independent man before, after suffering cardiac arrest last year his heart became weak and it failed him again 9 days ago. People say at least I was with him when he passed away in A&E and he was not alone but he shouldn’t have gone yet!!! We had plans, our relationship was very strong, I wasn’t ready to lose him…
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I’m sad for your pain.
Being with him as he passed must have been very tough. My Steve also had heart failure but I think he knew what he was doing, as he took himself off to do a job and died alone in the street a few minutes after leaving me at home.
I dont know which is worse, what you went through or what I missed.
We can’t torture ourselves that we didn’t make them seek medical advice or look after themselves properly. They were men, and did what they wanted to do. We were not their mothers.
We, on this site, are with you. X
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Alan died just before Christmas of a massive cardiac arrest. We only came back from holiday 48 hours before and I have wasted many hours scanning the photos looking for signs and wondering maybe if we hadn’t travelled he would have been OK. It was me who booked the trip and worrying that I contributed to his death has been torture. I was also unable to help him with my pitiful efforts at CPR. But, after the post morgen the coroner told me that even if Alan had been in hospital with a doctor by his bed he still wouldn’t have survived it. It wasn’t my fault. And I couldn’t have done anything to change the outcome. What I did do, however, was enjoy an amazing week away with my boy which was full of love and laughter. Soon after we met he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And he did. We all did our best in dreadful circumstances but, ultimately, they knew they were loved and what is more important than that? Take care x
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Thank you for your kind words, I am just living day to day now, his funeral is next week and I don’t know how I am going to get through it. My mind is constantly thinking of him and I don’t want to eat or drink that much. I know he probably wouldn’t want me to be sad and just live my life but how can I go on without him? I go to hospital chapel every evening to pray and talk to him, I feel close to him as his body is still there. I want him back.
you just went through major loss. you cannot expect to be normal. what you are experiencing is appropriate. not eating drinking sleeping etc., all normal.
the bereaved try to stop themselves from going through grief. nine days is nothing. very sadly, you must endure this process and it is terrible. I so very sorry but allow what you feel.
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I went to chapel of rest to see my boyfriend today, spent few hours with him just talking to him and holding his hand. He was never this still or quiet before I found it hard. His funeral is on Friday and I am dreading it, how can he just disappear from me like this? I told him today that I am going to live my life for the both of us and make him proud xxx
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a hard moment for you. you are being brave. life is a gift so he would encourage you to live it. life is for the living. 
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