My dad died a few days ago. I am only 22 and have never experienced such a loss before. I find that my emotions fluctuate a lot and I end up just walking around the house feeling lost. I am terrified for the future because he won’t be there for big life events or family events which is going to be so strange.
The strangest thing is that I don’t feel too sad about his death because he was in a lot of pain and suffering before he died, and he went as peacefully as he could. However, the lack of his presence feels wrong and the knowledge that we will never be able to share special moments or memories together is extremely sad.
Some moments are starting to feel normal again such as watching TV and reading, and going about daily tasks, but doing big things like working and exercising are a huge struggle and feel wrong. So, I feel like I am stuck in limbo not knowing what I can and can’t do, and what will set me off, or how to feel. Some moments I feel incredibly upset, but others I feel like life is normal. Currently, I feel lost, and find myself walking around on autopilot, and I keep coming across things of his around the house and it reminds me of all of the memories we shared which is beautiful, but really hard to emotionally navigate.
His death was very sudden as he was only diagnosed 2 months ago with stage 4 colon cancer, and in that time went downhill very quickly. This short time makes grieving harder because I am still in disbelief, and it feels like its not real.
One of the hardest parts is dealing with the small things that you don’t think about straight away such as seeing things of his around. His food that he bought was still in the fridge, and his gloves were still sat by the phone. All of these things just remind me of how quick it all happened and how healthy he was 3 months ago.
I miss him so much. For 22 years, he was always there every day, and now suddenly he is gone. Unless I go into his bedroom and see that he is not there, I cannot believe it or comprehend that he is gone. Without seeing his empty room, I still feel like he is in the house. I am constantly thinking of all of the memories we shared and I am finding it hard to distract myself and think of anything else.
No one prepares you to lose a parent so young so any advice from people who may have gone through the same thing would be very much appreciated. I just feel like I have so much time in life left and the thought that he won’t be there scares me.