I lost my mum in October. I was 12 weeks pregnant when I found out my mum had cancer I hadn’t told her yet as I wasn’t sure how far along I was, I wanted to have a scan first. She was given 3-6 months they thought the longest amount of time was the start of December. My baby was due in the middle of December. She had been so excited when I told her I was trying for a baby. I had taken a long time to find the right person and I was still unsure if I could even have children due to a PCOS diagnosis.
I was with her when she died which I am so thankful for. She was amazing so strong all the way through. I miss her all the time.
Its a strange feeling as I Love being a mum and I am so happy he really is my everything and my partner is incredible. When I feel overwhelmed I am so angry she isn’t here, that she was so excited to be a grandma and she didn’t get the chance it seems so cruel that her and my baby missed out. She would have been amazing. I am selfishly angry that she isn’t here to guide me, so I could listen to her advice and her stories. She was an amazing woman and so supportive I want her here for all the sad and happy things ahead.
I push my partner away which I hate as he has been my rock but when I feel so overwhelmed with grief, having lost a lot of people in a small amount of time I think I’m scared too.
I don’t think I’ve faced it either the majority of the day I don’t really believe she has gone. I feel I am going to see her again. I don’t know if this is just due to not wanting to be upset as I don’t want my baby to feel it from me.
I had time with her she managed four months of fighting but there is so many things I wish I had done and said. Becoming a mum makes you see your own mum differently. I will tell my baby all about her when he is old enough and I am trying to support my Dad I just wondered if people felt the same having such amazing happy news and then losing someone so important loved. Thank you for reading.